No Shadows To Hide In
by sugarXcouture
Summary: Sara and Grissom. Serious stuff in this story, not a fluffy, hotcuppacocoa story unfortunately. Aiming for lots and lots of Chapters, but its my first fic, so lots of support is appreciated...please please read!
1. Chapter 1: Prologue

**Prologue**

**Warning!- Story has lots of adult themes, and several unpleasnt situations, so please don't read if you think it will bother you...**

**Disclaimer- don't own nuffink. i.e. CSI it isn't mine.**

Present Day

It was half two in the morning, and the rain was pelting down on Catherine Willows' umbrella. Waiting at the Crime Scene for Grissom to arrive, she sighed irritably, tapping her foot. Where the hell was he?

"Cath?"

She whirled around as she saw the so-named 'bug-man' push his way past two of the police officers br

"Why the hell have we both been called to a B&E?"

Catherine suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. Ever since CSI Sara Sidle had gone missing, Grissom had been in a foul mood.

"The cops were called by a neighbour, who heard someone breaking in...they found...him..." she pointed to a teenage boy standing by the doorstep, currently getting soaked by the rain, he was seeing if there were any valuables he could sell for drug money...good luck with that in this neighbourhood is all I can say."She looked around in disgust at the squalid houses.

"Why do we have to be here? You should have sent Greg." Grissom snapped. he had one frayed nerve left, and Catherine was wearing through it very quickly.

"well, they heard a noise in the, um, basement, and went down...they thought that they should call us...three bodies...they're in dcomp, and from what they could tell, all three are female."

"How could they hear a noise if the bodies are dead?" Grissom was nit-picking, and not focusing on the topic at hand, the topic of three murdered bodies.

"Shall we do our jobs? Or shall we ask inane questions all day?" Catherine beckoned to Nick and Greg, who were currently standing off to one side, not wanting to get involved.

"Fine, go ahead, I'm not stopping you" Grissom followed the cop who was leading the way through the house, down to the basement.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"I hate decomps"

Greg pulled a face at the stench in the air. The three bodies that were on the ground, smelt rancid, and the cop who led them to the basement was now outside, retching for all he was worth.

"Stop making such a fuss Greggy boy" Nick smirked at him.

Grissom agreed with Nick silently. How could Greg expect to move up another CSI level if all he did was make a fuss? Sure, he knew that Greg missed Sara, which was why he was acting up so badly, but he should be bottling his emotions, not expressing them in other forms! If Grissom and Nick weren't on the floor crying, then Greg shouldn't be complaining! He and Nick had known Sara longest!

"Griss...no bugs..." Catherine looked at him. "It must be fairly secure down here, no cracks or holes anywhere."

"Any larvae or flies of any sort found on the bodies, bag them" Grissom ignored her

"Uhm...Grissom?"

Grissom ignored Greg, he wasn't in the mood for dealing with him.

"Grissom...I hear breathing.."

Grissom snapped "Funnily enough Greg, that is what we living humans must do to stay in our current state"

"No...Grissom...in the wall..."

"Boy watches to many horror movies," Grissom heard Catherine mutter

"Grissom, I'm not kidding, there's breathing...mabye its a hollow wall"

SHIT SHIT SHIT! the words fired off in Grissoms head. "has this scene been secured?" he asked Catherine, "have the cops checked to see if the perp is still here?"

Catherine bit her lip, then drew her gun from her holster. Nick and Grissom did likewise. Greg looked like he was about to wet himself.

"Is there some sort of opening, or crack in that wall? Grissom asked Nick, who had started running his hands down the side of the old-fashioned wallpaper

"Got one...its a latch"

Nick slid the latch off, however, the door stayed firmly shut.

"Count of three, nick, open it" Grissom quietly grwoled, "Damn rookie cops"

"One, Two, THREE" The CSIs pointed their guns at the previously concealed door, which now swung open with an ominous creak.

Nothing.

"It's just a cupboard." Nick said in relief, glad to not have to deal with someone who had recently murdered three people and left them to rot.

"N-n-n-ick..." Greg pointed to the far corner of the cupboard, which was now illuminated by his flash light.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Grissom and Catherine simultaneously swore at the sight of the girl huddled in the corner, trying to somehow get away from the glare of Gregs' flash light.

Greg handed his flash light to Nick, then bounded up the stairs to phone the ambulance on his cell. Grissom started to step forward, but was stopped by Catherines' arm in font of him. "Let me?"

Grissom nodded, realising how that this girl wouldn't want a man near her in her current state. Her hair a mass of dirty tangles, white bra and underwear smeared with splotches of blood, dirt, and god knew what else. Catherine took a step into the cupboard, closer to the girl.

"I'm here to help you" she began in a calming sort of voice, trying to keep the girl calm

At the sound of a voice so close to her, the unidentified girl huddled closer into her self, and started rocking

"no, no, no, I didn't, please, I won't...don't...please...nonononononononoNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Catherine turned to look at Grissom, scared, and completely unsure of what to do. They had never had an alive victim before. But she didn't see what she was expecting to see. Grissom was staring at the girl on the floor, mouth open, eyes wide. Catherine wheeled around.

There on the floor, chained to a wall, and blind-folded, was not the skinny teenage girl she thought it had been.

It was Sara.

**OOOOOOOOH! See what I mean! adult themes...so, what happened to Sara? dun dun dun**


	2. Chapter 2: Run Rabbit

**Chapter 2: Run Rabbit**

**For warnings and Disclaimers, see Prologue**

"I don't see why I need to be removed," Sara glared at Grissom from across the desk, "this is my case, my hard work has gone into it, and if you take me off it, the recipient will have to spend too much time looking over the details to make any progress. Then the father will get away with it. I know that I'm so close to finding the missing puzzle piece, I know I am."

Grissom looked steadily at the younger CSI, who was sitting tensely in the opposing chair, fingers balled into fists, voice tight with anger.

"Sara, do you think swearing at, and threatening a suspect is a good idea?" His voice was serious "You are far too emotionally invested in this case, and you need to be impartial. You obviously cannot be fair in investigating everyone, and the department sees this as unacceptable..."

"HE DID IT!" Saras' face was white, and her dark eyes were glittering. "he did it. I know he did. I can prove it, I can. The 'department' shouldn't be about stupid politics. It should be about catching killers, like Andrew Sherpe.I don't give a SHIT about the department!"

"SARA!" Grissom was shocked at her outburst "You need a break. Go home. Sleep. How many shifts have you worked straight without sleeping since this case began?"

"Sleeping won't help getting Nicola Sherpes' father put in jail. Should he be able to get away with raping and murdering a fourteen year old, his own fucking daughter, just because I had to 'sleep'?"

"Sara, you are off this case, you will go home and rest. I don't want to see or hear from you until tonight. Don't come in until three-thirty."

"fine." Saras' response made him stare at her. "fine." He didn't expect her to agree after her little outburst. She obviously was exhausted, he could see the rings under her eyes.

"I'll see you tomorrow." Grissom said in the most gentle tone he could manage. She just looked at him, then turned around and strode out the office on her long legs.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Nick Stokes normally hated women crying on his shoulder. It was irritating, for a great majority of the time, or it made him feel guilty. The former was much more common than the latter. Nicky was a nice guy, he usually never had anything to feel guilty about.

So, since he was such a nice guy, when he found Sara sitting on the bench in the middle of the locker room, with her face in her hands, and the sound of soft sobs emanating from her, he immediately ran to her side. Not irritation, or guilt. Concern and worry.

"Sara?" he put a hand on her shoulder, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing" Saras' red eyes indicated what she said was saying was utterly untrue.

"Of course" Nick raised an eyebrow

"I'm so tired." Nicky was the only person Sara could confess her sins to. At least, the things she considered sins, the things normal people would say were, well, normal. "This case...the evidence makes no sense, but the theory does. I don't know what to side with, my instinct, or my brain..." Nick laughed softly, humourlessly. "I would go with the evidence for now Sar. It may just agree with the theory. You'll find new evidence, don't stress"

Sara blew her breath out in a puff. "I know. I hope...urgh, I just know that something in that family is fucked up. Its just a feeling." she smiled ruefully at Nick. "I need slee-eep"

"Do you want to grab something to eat before shift?" Nick asked her, still concerned "We can go to that veggie restaurant you like"

"Sure. What time?"

"We shall meet at...hows...ahm...seven-thirty for you?"

"yeah."

"I'll get Greggo and Warrick to come. Just the 'family'" he gave her a toothy grin, which she responded to by giving her own gap-toothed grin back, feeling a lot better.

"Does the, ahem, 'family' agree to this arrangement? Are you telepathically asking them?"

"Go home Sar." Nick laughed as she walked out

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

**Run, rabbit, run, rabbit, run, run, run  
Run, rabbit, run, rabbit, run, run, run  
Bang, bang, bang, bang! goes the farmer's gun  
Run, rabbit, run, rabbit, run, run, run**

**Run, rabbit, run, rabbit, run, run, run  
Don't give the farmer his fun, fun,fun  
He'll get by without his rabbit pie  
So run, rabbit, run, rabbit, run, run, run **

**"Hits of The Blitz"**

Sara heard the doorbell go as the water drummed over her head in the shower. Cursing she jumped out, nearly slipping over, shoved on her robe and underwear, then went for the door.

"Ms. Sidle?" a man of about 45 peered at her from sharp green eyes. "I have a, um package?"

"Excuse me?" Sara felt vulnerable, standing at her door in only her robe and underwear. "I didn't order anything"

"You did" the man moved his arm forward, and Sara looked down, only to see him point a gun discreetly at her ribcage. The man smiled, seeing her eyes widen, then seeing her mouth going open to scream he quickly murmured "you make any noise, and I'll fucking shoot. Don't think I won't. Now let me in"

Sara nodded showing her agreement, and stepped to the side to allow the man to pass her.

"No, you walk in front of me. I'm not an idiot, you're not running out"

Sara turned around, terror gnawing at her. What was she going to do? Oh shitshitshitshitshitshit shitshitshitshit. Where was her closest gun? Sara had guns positioned strategically around the house, being a CSI made one feel rather paranoid and utterly aware of the evil humanity inflicted.

The man behind her pushed the butt of the gun into the bottom of her spine.

"Into the living room"

She walked in, feeling a sense of detachment, seeing herself standing before a stranger with a gun pointed at her. The closest gun, after the one jamming into her, was about three metres away, behind the bookcase.

"you do have such pre-teey legs, Sara." the man whispered wetly in her ear, and she flinched. The thin cotton robe only covered her to mid-thigh. She wished she had thought to put more clothes on. Or just not answered the door.

It was now or never.

Turning around she jammed her knee into the man's groin, moving towards the bookcase faster than she could have imagined. She was nearly there when she felt something smack into the base of her spine. Winded, she tripped, but determinedly started scrambling to the bookcase on her hands and knees. She heard him chortle above her.

"Sara sweetheart, its not there. You really think I'm stupid enough go to a CSI's home when they have guns readily available in every room?"

Sara grabbed for the nearest weapon, a vase on the bottom shelf. Turning around she expected to find him close enough to hit, but not so close that they were practically nose-to-nose. The next thing she saw as she raised the vase, was his fist coming towards her stomach. She collapsed on the ground.

"You know honey, you really are paranoid. So many guns in this house. You, uh, even had one taped to the underside of the bathtub."

Sara shivered. The pain in her stomach was making her queasy and the revelations made her even more nauseous. This guy had been in her house, had gone through her things. And she hadn't even noticed.

"No, no, you haven't been neglecting your little guns babe, I only just took them away earlier today, when you were at work. All 7 of 'em, so don't think you have a chance. By-the-by, hows Nicky and Greggo?" Sara felt her heart give an extra beat as he said the names of her two best friends.

"What do you want? Get the hell out, I'll scream." She was surprised at how calm her voice sounded.

"You won't scream Sara." He placed his foot on her throat, and exerted a small amount of pressure. "You won't scream"

Sara waited for the opportune moment. Twisting his ankle around and making him fall, she scrambled towards the living room door, ignoring the pain still stabbing at her stomach from his unexpected sucker-punch. She was so close to the door, she was so close, only a few centimetres, when she heard a whirring, almost whining metallic noise directly behind her. She recognized the sound from the lab, and tried to move even quicker.

But quick isn't quick enough in some cases, and this was one of these cases.

He pulled the trip wire tight around her throat, causing the skin to break, and her body to be deprived of the oxygen it so desperately needed. Sara saw dots dancing in her eyes, and began to claw at the wire cutting her neck, now realising just how bad the situation was. She heard a roaring in her head. The dots dancing turned from black to red. She only saw red.

Then she passed out.

"_That was pretty damn easy" he thought to himself. Stupid bitch thought she could get away. She actually tried to hit him with that vase! He knew she'd be harder to subdue than the others, but not that hard. He liked a bit of spirit though. Made it more of a challenge. Too skinny, he thought as he effortlessly picked up her unconscious form, and carried her towards the bedroom. Less effort for me._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"Jesus, where is she?" Greg frowned at his watch, "and is Warrick going to be here any time soon either?"

"Warrick phoned me to say that he can't make it," Nick said worriedly "but I don't know about Sar. I've tried phoning her, but no answer on her cell or home phone, and there's nothing from her pager."

He was worried. Sara was never late, and certainly never half an hour late. And she always, always answered her phone. He bit his lip, wondering what to do? Should he go round? But she would go mad, thinking she was being checked up on. He would give her another ten minutes.

Then he would go.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"_oh my goodness, what's under there?" Sara heard a voice penetrate her dreamland._

"_just my little sister, she's very, very unwell." he replied to the old lady's quavering voice. "I'm getting her down to the hospital."_

_Sara groaned_

"_It's okay Jenny, you'll be okay" he said, and covered her face up even more with the blanket._

"_I hope she gets better."_

"_I have to get her to the hospital. It's like the flu, but worse."_

_Sara wanted to scream or cry out, but couldn't. She was stuck in the dreamland. She was standing at the top of the escalator. DownDownDown she fell. Would this fall ever come to an end?_

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Nick banged his hand on the table.

"Something 's not right Greggo. Let's check up on her."

Greg's face brightened, he still had that sweet, albeit irritating crush on Sara. "I've never been to her apartment! Won't she be pissed at us though?"

_'I really fucking hope so' _Nicks silent thoughts rang through his head, as he led Greg out to the Tahoe.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_Sara could feel the man moving across the car park. The rain permeated the blankets she was covered in, the ones hiding her from view. She shivered and groaned, trying weakly to roll out of his arms. Her head throbbed._

"_You awake babe?" she heard him chortle. She immediately woke up a little more, and started fighting to get her hands out from under the blankets, only to realise that they were somehow tied together. Her ankles too. She was terrified. She started to thrash about when she felt him pinch her thigh and breathe "Stop it. I still have that gun." as he dropped her carefully into what felt like the back of a car. She opened her mouth, ready to scream, when a funny, sweet-smelling cloth was clamped over her mouth. She began thrashing again, trying to get away from it. The effort was fruitless, and within thirty seconds she was unconscious again. Her captor chortled, and after pinching her thigh again, got into the drivers seat, and drove off._

_No-one even noticed him drive off..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Greg knocked on the door and as it swung open, he called out "Sara?"

No answer.

He and Nick exchanged worried looks, and both drew their guns out of their holsters. Proceeding into the apartment, they repeatedly called her name.

"I hear running water, maybe she's in the tub." Nick offered. Normally Greg would have smirked, but he just look frightened.

Nick walked cautiously down the Sara's hallway, towards the bathroom. "Sara?"

Pushing the door open slowly when he heard no answer, he saw the taps in the sink running full-blast, and he moved to turn them off.

"NICK...FUCK...NIIIIICK!" he heard Gregs voice calling him frantically from the living room, and he hurriedly moved out the empty bathroom towards the living room "What is it..."

His voice trailed off as he looked inside the room. Blood in the middle of the carpet, blood at the corner of the bookcase, and in a trail across the floor, where it stopped, near Gregs feet, where Sara's blood-spattered dressing gown lay crinkled on the floor, like a sad, sick ghost of its owner.

"Oh god..." Nick heard Greg say as he ran past him into the hall. Nick stared at the sight before him before following Greg out of the apartment. He was standing at the door, retching, while he dialled a number into his cellphone. Nick recognized Catherines' number, and gestured for Greg to pass him the phone.

"Cath? It's Nick. We're at Sara's place, and, oh god, she's not here, there's blood, she's not here, what do we do, should I phone Grissom?"

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Catherine Willows hated relying on her neighbour to babysit her daughter at nights. But this time, as she hurried out the house, after leaving instructions and gushing thanks to Mrs. Woletski, she had no time for self-recriminations as she sped to Sara's apartment in her car. She was focused solely on the task at hand.

When she had phoned Brass, he had got the multiple squad cars out there in under a minute. Then she phoned Grissom. She knew that he would go mad, but she wasn't prepared for him demanding that the night-shift process the scene. However, Ecklie was fine with it, any unpaid overtime was fine by him, and it meant that the day-shift could spend another hour working their cases.

Catherine ran up the stairs to Sara's as quickly as possible. Pausing at the top of the staircase to catch her breath, she opened the door to the stairwell, and saw the utter chaos outside Sara's apartment door.

Four cops were standing outside the apartment, with worried looks on their faces, while another put "Crime scene- do not cross" markers outside the door. Nicky was standing next to Gregg, who had a plastic bucket next to him. Greg look very...green...

"what the hell?" Catherine broke off, as she approached Nick and Greg "is Grissom here?"

"he'll be here in a second." Nick replied

"he wants us to process the scene."

With Catherines revelation, Greg bent over, and retched into the bucket. Nick answered Catherines raised eyebrow. "there was a lot- I mean a lot of blood. And uh- Sara's robe was on the living room floor. Covered in blood, I mean."

Catherine tried to be optimistic. "She fought with the assailant. It's Sara we're talking about here guys, she probably broke his nose, and punctured several vital organs."

Her optimism did nothing. Nick cleared his throat, then said quietly. "there was...there was...what looked an awful lot like semen on both the bathroom and bedroom floor"

The sound of Gregs retching intensified to their ears, and Catherine was dumbstruck. "uh, uh, was Sara seeing anyone?" she tried to put the question as delicately as possible. But was responded to with an emphatic "No" from both men.

"Catherine? Why aren't any of you in there processing?" Grissom strode up to them the anger over-sketching the worry in his eyes. The three CSI's waiting for him saw this and silently moved into the apartment.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_'mmmmmmmmm' she was so warm and snuggly. Sara burrowed deeper into the duvet. Not duvet, blankets. Blankets? Was she on the sofa? She didn't remember going to...Memories assaulted her mind. Nonononononononono. This wasn't happening. No. She was safesfaesafesafesafesafe. Oh god. She cracked her eyes open a tiny bit. She was alone. Sitting up, she looked around. She was in a small, bare room, only furnished with very basic necessities. She climbed out of the bed, noticing she still only had her underwear on, and so yanked a blanket off the bed to keep herself warm and covered. She looked out the window, only to see other dilapidated, possibly abandoned houses in a crumbling corner of Las Vegas, where the very poor lived. She had been to a couple of crime scenes in this area. She knew it vaguely. Yanking on the bottom of the window, she tried to haul it up, only to realise that it was nailed shut. She hit it with her fist hoping to break the glass._

"_So you're awake then?"_

_she stared at the man with fear in her eyes. Inside his head he smiled. 'so maybe she's learning the lesson.'_

"_Please...let me go. If this is against the lab...we can talk it out. This isn't necessary."_

"_this isn't against the lab. You're not going anywhere. This is definitely necessary...unless...well, perhaps I could get someone to take your place...there's that girl...what's her name...your colleagues daughter...is it Louise? Lana?"_

_Sara's eyes grew wide, and she unconsciously moved backwards, away from this man, who was scaring her so much._

"_LYNSEY! I knew it was an L!" his eyes sparkled as he laughed cruelly "oh, Sara, you would sacrifice an innocent child just so you can get out of here...tut tut."_

"_leave Lynsey alone, she's a little kid," Sara assessed the situation, where he was standing in relation to her, if she could get past him._

"_I think you should think a little less of yourself Sara, and more of others...hmmm? You really are a selfish person, aren't you? Under that caring personality that you put on, your just selish. A selfish, nasty girl who should be taught better..."_

"_Let me go"_

"_After all, if you weren't selfish, you wouldn't have let mummy slice up daddy, would you? You should have stopped her Sara. You should have saved those children at the foster home from foster daddy...but you just stood by..."_

"_how the fuck do you know this?" tears were running down sara's face_

"_Then, when foster daddy came after you, you just let him...you didn't tell anyone...think how many people you could have saved...how many children...it's your fault, you know."_

"_let me go"_

"_Now Sara, what else do you write in your diaries? I know all about Gil Grissom, but I mean, that was only one, I didn't have time to read the others. What other secrets have you been hiding?"_

_Sara's mind exploded into stars. All she knew was that she had to get away from there, had to get out. She saw him look at her with confusion as she swung her knee up to his groin. Wow...Deja Vu...but this man seemed to have balls of steel... "Not a clever move Sara, not a clever move"_

_he pushed her down onto the floor, and bit her earlobe. Sara went mad, bucking around like a frightened rabbit in the jaws of the fox. She scratched and punched and clawed at him but he started punching her in the stomach, chest and arms. She curled into herself, trying to stop him, but he stood up over her, and gave her a couple of good kicks in addition, even though she was in no state to move, much less run away. Sara ached. Her arms throbbed, and her breathing was incredibly erratic. He figured that he'd cracked a couple of ribs. She was too busy concentrating on her pain that she didn't hear him rustling in a drawer, and returning. He flipped her fully onto her back and sat on her aching stomach... "Now...what shall we play to-dayah?" his accent was different.Sara looked at him, utterly petrified_

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"So what I'm seeing is...she opens the door to whoever it is... he gets inside somehow, and he attacks her in the living room...she goes for the bookcase...mabye a weapon? Nicky and I foun a gun holder taped to the inside of the second bottom shelf...very hard to notice..." Catherines words were echoing around in Grissoms head. Of all people, why Sara? Why his fierce little alley-cat, prickly with a heart of gold? Why her?" Grissoms head hurt. All he could hear was Sara's words from earlier "The department should be about catching killers...he did it...should he be able to get away with raping and murdering?"

"...but there's no actual spatter at this point...so I'm assuming that he maybe cut her...small cut? Maybe she scratched him...anyway, he drags her over behind the armchair and beats the shit out of her...next stop is the bathroom... most likely to clean himself and her up...taps were on...and as far as we can make out...that's where the first rape happened."

Grissoms head jerked up... "So definitely not consensual?"

Nick, Greg, Warrick and Catherine all looked uncomfortable. "Gill know this is hard...but we need to be realistic..." Catherine spoke up. "There was so much blood for it to be...you know...and there was no birth control inside the apartment...no rubbers, nothing... There was also a lot of semen in the hall leading to the victims room, which most likely wouldn't have been there if it was consensual. We also found trip wire with our vics epithelials and blood on it...I think he strangled her before, after, or even during the rape..."

"It isn't just a victim Catherine!" Grissom suddenly shouted at her. "it's fucking Sara! Not a nameless faceless woman, its Sara that you work with and talk to every day!"

"JESUS GIL, DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT? I'm trying to cope the best way I can, but you're making it very difficult. I hate the idea of this happening to Sara as much as you do, but you need to face the facts that this DID happen, and we need to stay calm so we can do this for Sara, and she might just have a chance of coming back"

They all stared at Catherine. She was red, with tears in her eyes, they could see how worried she was about Sara. They had a strange, messy sort of friendship, very cool on the surface, but it was obvious that Sara meant a lot to Catherine over the past four or so years.

Nicks pager off. "Labs done with results" he said sombrely "I'll go collect and look"

The room was silent as he left...


	3. Chapter 3: I Leave A Light On

**Chapter 3: I leave a light on**

**Warnings and diclaimers on the prologue**

_Nicks pager went off. "Lab's done with results" he said sombrely "I'll go collect and look"_

_The room was silent as he left..._

"Hey Nick!" One of the new lab technicians, a short redhead called Andie, smiled at him, "I got the results on the blood!"

"Hit me"

"Well actually, it was weird, because I ran it through the database, just to check for you, less trouble, but it came up with Sara's name...maybe it got contaminated?"

Oh, how Nicky wished he could use that excuse. But he knew that everyone around the lab was going to find out in the end so he told Andie the truth "No, the blood's Sara's."

"ohmygosh, what's happened? Did she get cut at the scene?"

Nick sighed in his head. Everyone would have to know, after the semen was processed, it would have Sara's name and address on the plastic bag, under 'Name of Victim'

"We think that...uh...Sara was abducted from her place at...at, uh, gunpoint, and ahem..." Nick cleared his throat, begging for Andie to understand.

Andies blue eyes grew wide, and Nick knew she understood. It was impossible to take in...It hurt so bad that this would, and could happen to one of them...

"But she's safe now?"

"No...I-I don't know...she's not here...we have to find her..."

Andie realized what Nicky was trying to say, and she felt a churning sensation in her stomach. This was one of their own. It was bad when it was just a person off the street, or someone they didn't know, but this was...well, a colleague...

Nick, thanking Andie quickly, turned and strode out of the lab.

Andie stared after him as he left the lab. Where in the world was Sara Sidle?

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

**I seen myself with a dirty face,  
I cut my luck with a dirty ace  
I leave the light on**

**Daddy ain't that bad he just plays rough  
I ain't that scarred when I'm covered up  
I leave the light on  
Little girl hiding underneath the bed was it something I did  
Must be something I said  
I leave the light on, better leave the light on.**

**"I leave the Light on" Beth Hart**

"_Now...what shall we play to-dayah?" his accent was different. Sara looked at him, utterly petrified "perhaps a lesson in manners are needed? After all it's not polite to attack your host, is it Ms. Sidle?"_

_Sara was frozen in fear...memories, and smells assaulted her mind...ohgodohgod...she thought she was going to puke..._

_He slid off her, but Sara couldn't move...It was almost like she was a child again...she couldn't get away, no matter what she did...and the only person to blame was herself..._

_Her eyes were bright with fear, as she saw him lean over her again, but this time supporting himself on his hands._

"_Whats wrong, honey pie? What do you remember now?"_

_It was familiar to her...that was so wrong...this shouldn't be familiar...NO!_

_He started to move his hands down her body...nonononono I'm sorry, please don't it wasn't my fault...he pulled her hair...she just lay there...let me go,please...I'm sorry...I didn't tell, I never told..."you told you little slut."...Where's Griss...ohgod get off...someone help..."you asked me to do it"...nobody helps, ever...its cold...no...it hurts...let me out please...I'll do anything...pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease... its so dark in here._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"The blood's all Saras" Nick confirmed, as he walked back into the lab, "none from our perp."

They were momentarily distracted as Greg rushed in "WE HAVE AN EYEWITNESS!"

Grissom took the second to delegate, "Cath and Greg, interview the Witness. Warrick I want you to check out CCTV footage after working on fibres with Nick. But speak to Cath before you do so."

Optimism crackled. They would get Sara back!

"Ma'am we're from the Las Vegas Crime Lab" Catherine showed the elderly woman her badge. "Can we come in?"

"of course, of course. Is this about Jenny? The policeman said that it was. I have to say, he wasn't very clear, was he?"

"Jenny?" Greg and Cath exchanged puzzled looks.

"The girl who was carried out of here. He said, the policeman, she was being abducted...was she?"

"Ma'am would you maybe just tell us what exactly you saw, and when exactly you saw it."

"Of course. Well, I had just taken my trash to the shoot, and I bumped into a young man-"

"how young?"

"perhaps 40 or so? Anyway, I bumped into him, and he was carrying a bundle of blankets. But there was a girls leg hanging out of the bundle and-"

"how do you know it was a female's leg?"

"it was thin, and not really as muscly as a mans, I mean a proper big, strong man, that we used to get in my day, and her leg was quite tanned. But it also had pink toes. I don't know about you, but when you get to my age, colours don't stand out. But it was such an unusual pink, sort of shimmery warm colour that I noticed it. And I said to the man 'goodness, who have you got under there?' and he told me it was his little sister Jenny, and she was very sick, and she had flu. And then the girl made a noise, and he told her she would be fine and he would take care of her. But I thought he should have just called an ambulance,she looked very ill. And he should have at least put a pullover and trouser on her, no wonder she had flu! I actually thought it was a wee bitty inappropriate, just carrying her around in a big pile of blankets and nothing else-" here the woman paused "-but she looked very pale and sort of glazed, so I thought she might have the cold sweats that you get when you have flu, which was why she was dressed like that."

"What time was this?"

"It must have been about...oh...lets see...7pm, the news was starting."

"Thank you. Is there any other information of relevance that you have which could help our investigation?"

"well, its funny you asked, actually. When they got to the lift, she started having...I don't know if it's asthma attacks? Anyway, she was breathing very funnily, and talking. Why, what did that man do? Did he abduct her? Oh my goodness."

"Thank you for your help Mrs Thomas. We may be in touch, and if you have any questions or, any other information, please phone this number" She gave the elderly woman her card.

On their way out, Greg quickly asked the woman, "did you hear what ,uh, jenny said before she started wriggling?"

"No...she was mumbling more than speaking to be honest with you."

Stepping outside the apartment, Greg looked at Catherine with confusion etched across his baby-faced features. "what the hell?"

"Sara's claustrophobic, so I suppose she wouldn't have gone willingly into the elevator...she was definitely concious at that point..." Catherine tailed off.

"Jesus...this sick fucking bastard...he's going to fucking kill her, carrying her about, like some sort of personal peep-show. She'll get hypothermia."

"I think so...that was some information I could have done without...she said she could remember what he looked like"

"Brass is getting the sketch artist to come in and work with her"

**Ahem...****I feel so guilty for putting Sara through this ...but she'll get better...hopefully (dundunduuuuuuuuun) Anyway, just wanted to put this note in to say that the next part of the story is a bit fuzzy, but all shall be revealed next chapter...xoxoxo**

_Where was she? Sara opened her eyes to find crushing dark pushing in on her...it was too familiar, he must have got her...where were the walls? They were closing in, she was going to die...ohgod...the air was running out_

_Sara started hyperventilating._

"_You're awake? Jolly good." _

_The voice came from one of the walls. Sara squinted at it, while trying to regulate her breathing. A door! She could get out! Sara threw herself at the door, banging on it with her fists "PLEASE, LET ME OUT!"_

"_Now Sara, you know that isn't how we play the game...that's not how it works is it?"_

_Sara couldn't breathe. It was happening all over again._

"_What do you need to say Sara? Hmmm?"_

_Sara slumped down the wall trying to breathe normally. It was so small, this little cupboard, it was too small. "no, I won't"_

"_You will. I know you. I'm in your head. And you know that this is all your fault."_

"_no..."_

"_Just say it Sara. Just say it."_

"_no..."_

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

After speaking with a shaken up Cath and Greg, Warrick left Nick to his fibres, and went to look at the CCTV tapes of the halls and the car-park. He felt incredibly apprehensive of just what he might see on the tapes but he knew it had to be done. He also knew it was absolutely imperative that he didn't miss anything, so he got Greg, who only had general pointless lab-rat work to do, to come and watch it with him.

"Okay" Warrick looked at Greg, who was moving his knee up and down quickly "calm it down, we won't see anything we don't know about."

As Greg stared resolutely forward, Warrick pressed the play button.

An hour later they had flicked through the majority of the videos in the messy pile the security guard had given them, but had come across nothing. Finally Warrick found the video with the 4:30pm-6:00pm label, and shoved it in. They watched the view from the camera that faced Sara's room, and at 5:00pm, according to the camera, they saw a man approach Sara's door after looking at the edges of the ceilings and walls for cameras

"He knew what he was doing." Warrick muttered.

"Why didn't he see the camera? He obviously looked quite thoroughly for it."

"Because," Grissoms voice came from behind them, "it's hard to see that which you don't know what you're looking for, is it not?"

"huh?" Greg looked confused.

" The camera, it was installed directly into the wall. He couldn't have possibly seen it from Sara's apartment. Play the tape."

Warrick obligingly hit the play button. They saw the man going through his pockets, patting the inner one and smiling. "Pause it!" Grissom thundered "Go in times 25"

The camera zoomed in to show the tall man stroking the butt of a gun. "times another 25, we need to see what make the gun is"

Warrick rolled his eyes. He knew how to do his job, thanks all the same. Grissom didn't notice. This may just be that clue to finding his Sara!

However they were unable to see the make of the gun, as it was at the wrong angle to the camera.

"fine, play" Grissom said resignedly, despair sinking in.

Warrick pressed play. The man knocked the doorbell, and about forty or so seconds later, the door opened. "PAUSE" Grissom thundered

Sarah stood in the doorway, eyes widened in fear, wearing a robe so short, it looked like it was made for an infant.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING?" Grissom was mad at Sara now. "Why is she answering the door in that? Does she seduce everyone who goes over there? Jesus, why wasn't she more careful?"

Warrick noticed Greg cradling his head in his hands. "what's wrong?"

"I bought her that!" Greg groaned.

Grissom was purple. Greg noticed, and said quickly "no,no, it was a gag gift...like a joke, at Christmas...Sara said-"

"I don't care what she said at Christmas. Play the tape" Grissom deflated and de colourised slightly, and Warrick pressed play again. They heard the man and Sara speak, so Warrick rewound, and turned up the volume

""I have a, um package?" "Excuse me?I didn't order anything" "You did" Here he showed her the gun, and Sara's eyes got impossibly large, flickering side to side searching for a way out "you make any noise, and I'll fucking shoot. Don't think I won't. Now let me in" that was the man again.

Grissom, Greg and Warrick all saw Sara move to the side to let him in. "She's going to run out." Grissom said, sitting forward in anticipation "please Sara, please honey run out. Run out"

Warrick paused it "Griss-uh-we-we can take it from here."

"Excuse me?"

"Me and Greggo, we'll watch it...you seem a bit, uh..."

"I supervise this shift, I will watch what I please, whenever I please. So play the tape" Grissoms voice was deadly serious. Warrick pressed play for what seemed like the millionth time.

"No, you walk in front of me. I'm not an idiot, you're not running out" Grissoms eyes watered...she had been so close...and now they had no idea where she was, and what the fuck was happening to her.

On the screen, mini-Sara shut the door...they could only here a murmur of voices for a few seconds after that, then the neighbours turned the volume up on the T.V so loudly that that was the only sound they could possibly hear was the news being read in an irritating voice.

They fast-forwarded through the next hour and ten minutes, then Warrick pressed play.

The man appeared with what looked like a bundle of blankets in his arms. Well, if it didn't have the very human, very female leg hanging from it.

The leg hung over his arms as he carried Sara. Adjusting her weight in his arms, he carried her thin frame with no effort, until he almost banged into a tottering old lady.

"She's our eyewitness." Greg stated the obvious

"Yes, We're aware of that." Grissom was horribly focused on the video

Warrick turned up the volume, so that they could hear what their eyewitness and their perp were saying

"oh my goodness, what's under there?" The old lady tried to peer, but she was far too short.

"just my little sister, she's very, very unwell." he replied to the old lady's quavering voice. "I'm getting her down to the hospital."

Sara groaned.

"Stop, rewind, make it higher." Grissom and Greg were both staring at the screen like it knew the meaning of life.

Play:

Sara's voice "It huuuuuuuurts"

"It's okay Jenny, you'll be okay, I'll take care of you" They saw the man pull the blankets over Sara's face

"I hope she gets better."the old lady was till trying to peer at the bundles, to see how old the sick 'Jenny' really was

"I have to get her to the hospital. It's like the flu, but worse."

Sara was wriggling a little. As they got closer to the elevator, she started mumbling."

Warrick slid forward in his seat and turned up the volume and the pitch, as Greg excused himself, and moved very fast towards the door.

Warrick pressed rewind, then played it again.

Screen Sara moaned out "No, let me go...please...not in there"

They could hear the man responding "shut up whore"

"you hurrrrrrrrrt meeeeee" Saras voice tailed off as the man shifted around. Grissom saw him slide his hand up Sara's blanket covered thigh, and wanted to hit the screen

"uh Grissom? The offer still stands...if you want to go and...check on Nick, Greg can watch it with me." Warrick was worried about the expression Grissom had on his face

"why was she so against the elevator?" Grissom wondered out loud, ignoring Warrick

"Claustrophobic. I asked her after we she refused to do the DB in the cupboard two cases ago."

The man got out the elevator, carrying Sara.

"Warrick, switch to the car parks camera. We need to see if we can get a license plate."

Warrick silently slid another tape into the machine, and fast forwarded past all the irrelevant daytime footage till they saw Sara being carried towards a white van. They saw her shiver as the rain soaked her, and then try to roll out of the mans arms, trying weakly to get away. He said something in a mocking voice. Warrick turned the volume up, and adjusted the pitch.

"You awake babe?"

Sara immediately started moving about in his arms, but couldn't do much, the blanket were now wrapped around both legs too tightly. Grissom saw the perp pinch Sara thigh and chuckle, as Sara tried to get away.

Grissom stood up, and swung his foor, hard, into the metal desk. His big toe started throbbing right away and he winced.

"Grissom?"

he turned to face Warrick

"He put something over her mouth when she was put in the back-seat. Maybe chloroform?"

"we need a list of licensed people to buy chloroform. Then narrow it down to the vans. I'll get brass to run plates."

Grissom was speaking in a disjointed voice. Warrick quietly left. Gil Grissom, boss of more than 4 CSI's, supervisor of the Las Vegas Night Shift, a most accomplished entomologist, put his head on the desk, and felt tears leak from his eyes...

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"nothing Nicky?" Cath checked up on him

"I have, some green fibres, what look like polyester. Could be some sort of smock?"

"what, that some shop workers have?

"sure"

"No prints in the system. No recognition of his face though..."

"So we have his prints, we has his fibres, his face, everything, we just don't have him or his identity?Plates"

Warrick quickly stuck his head round the door. "you're not going to believe this cliché. Brass ran it, woman had her car stolen three months ago. Trouble was, it wasn't a white van that she drove, it was a SAAB. So, he changed the plates."

Nick and Catherine exchanged glances, then settled down to work harder, and join up the dots on the case of missing Sara Sidle puzzle piece.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_Sara woke suddenly. When had she fallen asleep? Was she still there? Sara knew she was still in the god damn cupboard surrounded by fear and terror...she started sobbing and banging on the door, screaming and pleading to be let out."_

"_Sara dear, if you want out, you have to say it. Say it and I let you out..."_

_Sara swallowed, and backed away from the door._

"_Okay, if you don't want out, I'm going to get something to eat. I might come down later..."_

"_NO! Please! Let me OUT! Don't go! Please! PLEASE! LET ME OUT!"_

"_all you have to do is say it Sara. You've only been in there for three hours. You know what you want. You're too weak Sara. Too weak. You can't stay there for long, the air's going to run out soon..."_

_With those last seven words, Sara sobbed harder. Scratching at the door, hyperventilating, she said the words that he knew she would..._

**A/N**

**Oh no! What will happen with Sara? Will Grissom get his broken foot checked? And will Nick and Catherine ever get kinky together? (no I'm just screwing with ya! Sorta...) oooh.**

**Anyway, I just wanted to say, one of the ideas that I'm using is pretty similar, to another fic, so in the next chapter, if you object to me using this idea, just tell me and I'll take it down! I would ask the author of that fic, but i don't know their name, or the fics name! Okey-doke, that all for now! Sugar, xoxoxo**

**BTW THANKS TO PEOPLE WHO REVIEWED ME! ITS SO ENCOURAGING! AND THANKS FOR READING MY STORY! **


	4. Chapter 4: She Screams In Silence

**Chapter 4: She Screams In Silence**

**Disclaimers and warnings- See Prologue**

"_NO! Please! Let me OUT! Don't go! Please! PLEASE! LET ME OUT!"_

"_all you have to do is say it Sara. You've only been in there for three hours. You know what you want. You're too weak Sara. Too weak. You can't stay there for long, the air's going to run out soon..."_

_With those last seven words, Sara sobbed harder. Scratching at the door, hyperventilating, she said the words that he knew she would..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"Where do we go from here?" the team was gathered around a table in the break room. One of the seats was oh-so-obviously empty, and it made Sara's absence more sharper a cut to the night-shift.

Grissom looked at Catherine as she spoke. He heard defeat in her voice. Defeat? Sara had only been gone under 48 hours, but Catherine was ready to let it go. He shook his head.

"We know that we can't get the vehicle. Copies of his face are being shown to members of Sara's apartment building. Fibres just show that he wears something green and polystyrene. However, we have the list of...chloroform dealers. The ones with the white vans they _bought_ are in the clear, but this van is most likely stolen. We need someone to investigate the chloroform buyers within this state."

"gil, what if he was from out of state?"

Grissom looked at Catherine in despair. "Then we're screwed. Just narrow it down, and work from the top."

"We need to back to the apartment." Nicky's voice was monosyllabic. "We need to-uh-uhm-Sara has diaries..."

They all stared at him. Irritation was evident in their eyes. "Nick, why didn't you say anything before?" Catherine asked "we might have found her by now."

"It's-it's-not something that Sara would confess to, but I think those diaries are very personal to her..." Nick tailed off, as Catherine raised an eyebrow.

"Nick's right, although you should have told us sooner." Grissom said unexpectedly. Nick and I will go over to the apartment, and see if there is anything of importance to the case."

"Grissom, I don't see why you can't bring them back here, and we can all-"

Grissom cut right through Catherine "because that would mean invading through all of Sara's private and personal life. Would you like us to go through _your _possessions, read _your _thoughts? That's what we'll be doing to Sara, by reading these diaries."

Catherine admitted defeat, and ran her manicured fingers through her hair.

"Warrick and I can go through the list of the chloroform buyers while you do that then"

"What do I do?" Greg asked, an anxious look on his face.

"You go and help in the lab." Grissom's tone called for no protestations on Greg's part.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_Sara was cold. She was freezing cold as she lay in the dark, dingy basement, atop a camp bed that was most likely built in the 1920's. He had laughed once he had finished with her, then pushed her towards it, without giving her any clothes or even a blanket to keep warm. Still, Sara would rather be out here, freezing cold but with plenty of space, rather than crammed into the tiny cupboard with the walls closing in on her. She felt disgusting. And worthless. He told her she'd been in there for 3 hours, but as he pushed her, he grinned "Only lasted 45 minutes sweetheart. And isn't this a more fun alternative?"_

_She hadn't even held on for one hour. When she was younger she remembered spending upto days in the 'room' determined not to give in...As the time at the foster home increased, so did Sara's fear of the tiny, enclosed space...when they moved her to a new home, she was only managing 15 minutes, then hyperventilating till she asked him to..._

_Sara tried not to think of it, and instead rubbed her icy limbs to try and keep warm. Sooo cold. She tried to think of tactics to escape. Whether she had to knock him out, or kill him, she would get out._

_She would._

_She got off the camp bed, and started running he hands over the walls, over the few objects in the room. She felt what seemed to be the edge of the banister leading out of the basement. She moved to run up the stairs quickly, but settled for a slow climb after the pain in her ribs intensified. _

_Finally reaching the door. She pulled, pushed and even banged her shoulder against it, to try and make it open. It didn't work, it stayed solidly shut._

_Sara crumpled to the floor, wishing that she could sob, but her eyes stayed alarmingly dry._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"Grissom, which one do we start with?" Nick asked as he gestured to the pile of notebooks placed neatly on Grissoms's desk . They had found about 20 or so notebooks, one for every year since 1988, the year Nick knew Sara had been taken into foster care. It made sense to him that she would start recording her memories at this stage, any kid in foster care could tell you how upsetting and confusing it can be. Nick figured, since Sara never verbalized her feelings, she would have written them down.

"I think we should start with the oldest, then make our way to the newest."

Nick wanted to argue, to say that the older notebooks weren't relevant, that they had nothing to do with the case. He didn't want to invade Sara's privacy any more than what they were already doing. But he knew that they were relevant, that any information they could get would help. Sara's apartment held few photo's and next to no memorabilia, so this was the next best thing.

He glanced at Grissom, then they both took a notebook each, Nick with 1988, Grissom with 1989, and sat down with coffee and paper to make notes of things of significance.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_She was climbing a hill, covered in turquoise lilies. Whoever did see a turquoise lily? Sara asked herself. 'Ah well, it is only a dream,' the white terrier running along beside her reminded Sara in a deep voice._

_The hill was too high, she knew. She couldn't get to the top. So she turned around and started running down it, making her way back to the bottom, where she saw a wooded forest._

_Somehow, she arrived at the edge of the forest, only seconds after being at the top of the hill.'Do I have wings?' Sara felt her shoulder blades. 'No, nothing there.'_

_She saw something in the woods. Peering into the trees, she saw Debbie Marlin running towards her, picking up speed._

"_YOU KILLED ME SARA!" Debbie shrieked, digging her nails into Sara's shoulders "YOU KILLED ME!"_

"_no, I didn't" Sara was crying hysterically. "I didn't, dad, I didn't."_

_Her fathers dead eyes peered at her from Debbie's face. Only, it wasn't Debbie's face any more, it was her fathers. _

"_YOU KILLED ME YOU LITTLE WHORE!" _

_He turned away from her_

_Sara turned to try and run away, but fell into a rabbit hole. She wriggled and scrambled, but couldn't get out._

_She heard a noise above her._

_It was the man. But it wasn't him. It looked like him. But Sara knew it was really the beast, ready to devour her whole._

_He looked down on her, grinned, then unzipped his fly. Sara screamed._

"_What's the problem honey-pie? You asked me to do this."_

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

**She...  
She screams in silence  
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind  
Waiting for a sign  
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control **

Are you locked up in a world  
That's been planned out for you?  
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?  
Scream at me until my ears bleed

**I'm taking heed just for you**

"**She" by Green day**

Nick had read through Sara's experiences, had been there with her as she watched her mother stab her father to death, as she remembered going to the E.R's, testifying in court against her mother, finding her brother hanging from a rope in the garage, her first few foster homes where she was looked at like a murderers child, a mini-murderer. Why had she never told him? He could have helped her. Her words screamed in his head, she had suffered and had no help...Her eloquence, and articulacy scared him, Sara, even as a 12 year old, was frighteningly intelligent and perceptive.

It was easy to get lost in her world, easy to imagine the suffering. And finally Nicky felt he understood why Sara was so committed to her work, why she was so ruthless in cases involving domestic violence or child violence.

Grissom's sharp intake of breath made Nicky also realise that maybe Sara's childhood was even worse than he had read in her first year of foster care...

**OOOOOOOH! I wonder what they find out! I think we all know that Sara had a VERY bad childhood, but we're going to figure out how bad...oh no!**

**So, the next few chapters are actually going to just be Sara's diaries, which will hope fully clear things up a bit, and maybe a little splash of Nick and Gil's reactions to the diaries...I also sense a conflict with either of ecklie or catherine...and just as a warning...the diaries will be pretty gruesome and all that jazz, so please don't read if you will get upset, cos I don't want people to get upset by my story! Ok, well take care peeps, Sugar xoxoxoxoxo**


	5. Chapter 5: Diaries Part 1 Haunted

**Chapter 5: Diaries - Haunted**

****

**Warning and Disclaimer : see chapter 1**

_Grissom's sharp intake of breath made Nicky also realise that maybe Sara's childhood was even worse than he had read in her first year of foster care..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Nick flipped the first diaries page open:

"_January 19th 1988:_

_I don't know what I'm writing...the child-psychologist said that I needed to write what I thought, if I couldn't say it. I hate her. She says that i must be sad about mom and dad, but I'm not. I hate moving around, and people look at me so funny, but I never have any pain any more. I haven't been to the doctors in like, five months. Edd says that I should be sad, he is, but I don't care. He's mean to me, he always hits the back of my head and calls me 'rug-chewer.' that's not even insulting. He's an idiot._

_Illeana isn't really my friend at school any more, she said to Kate that her mom doesn't want me mixing with her. And Kate said I was a geek. I hope she spontaneously combusts."_

Here Nick smiled. He could hear Sara's voice saying that. Only she would say she wasn't a geek, then use a geeks threat...

"_my teachers in school are all nice to me, I don't like it. Before, when I argued, they'd give me into trouble, but now they just smile...its so annoying. My current foster person (i hate saying foster-mom, how stupid is that? They say 'we're not trying to take your mommy's place Sara darling, then expect me to call them 'mom' whatever.) she is really nice. The other girls here though, they annoy me. They all leave me out because I'm younger, and they say I'm immature. HAHA. They'll ask me for help soon, Carlie failed her Chemistry exam and needs tutoring. HAHA. Why are all foster kids so dumb? It's stupid. All they do is party. Tommy told me I had a nice smile today, but then asked if I was going to get braces. Yeah right, I don't think anyone would pay for me to get braces. I heard they're really expensive."_

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Nick read through Sara's days, noticing that only days of significance were written about. He read about her first crush, her first period, her favourite jeans, and the multiple science experiments. He read how much she hated moving around but how she preferred it to "beatings. Using my hair as an ashtray. Hearing mommy cry. All of it." then he flipped to one entry, one that chilled him to his bones.

"_November 12__th__ 1989:_

_Today was a bad day. Aunty Nikki brought me back to the house, then realised that she had to pick some milk up at the store. Why do they always run out of food at these foster homes? She gave me the keys to the garage, and told me to let myself in that way, because my shoes would make a mess in the hall. So she drove away, then I went into the garage. It felt funny even before I got in there. When I pushed the door up, it wouldn't go all the way. It kept banging into something, so I went in and turned on the light switch. Edd was purpley-blue, and he had a rope around his neck. I thought he was joking so I went over and hit his foot. He had Nike's on, the ones Dad bought him. He was warm. I tried to pull him down, but I couldn't. In Sports lesson, everyone laughed because I had puny thin arms. Edd was swinging a bit. I didn't know what to do, so I went inside and phoned 911, and told them my brother had died._

_Then Aunty Nikki got back and she started screaming...I don't remember what happened after that until a lady came round. She told me she was my new social worker and she was moving me. Aunty Nikki said to her "I can't have that child here. She gives me the creeps, and while its bad her brother did this, I can't have her upsetting all the other children." then Therese said something, and Nikki shouted that I was weird, and I wasn't even sad about Edd doing that._

_I am sad. But not very. Edd was mean, he always hit me, and I don't think he was very happy any ways. He got into lots of trouble. I want to know what foster home I am going to now..."_

Nick recognized the disassociation technique that Sara had used when she found her brother. However, he was willing to bet that the social worker and the foster mom didn't. Calling Sara weird within her earshot though, that was inexcusable.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"_November 13th 1989._

_I'm at a really nice place this time. Mrs and Mr Bounton, their son, and three other girls. Their son is quite old and he is not there a lot, I think. He doesn't like me, I saw him glare at me when I arrived. Mrs Bounton is very quiet, but she told me that I could call her Annie, or Aunt Annie, which ever I prefer. Mr Bounton was really nice too, He told me to call him 'pops' and he kept smiling at me, which i found a little bit disconcerting, but I think that's how he makes friends with people. I don't know. I have my OWN ROOM, I don't have to share! Leya and Elizabeth have to share, those are the other two girls, 'pops' made them share a room when they found out I was coming. Sandra the other girl, also has her own room, but it isn't as nice as mine. It smells really weird. Like really weird. A bit like mom and dads room, which I don't think is good. I think she cuts herself, which is why it smells funny, because I saw her reaching for bread at dinner, and her sleeve slid down. Her arm was all cut up, but Annie and Pops didn't notice. Jayden, their son, just laughed at her. She's the one who is closer to me in age, she is fourteen, and I think I will be better friends with her than with Leya and Elizabeth as they are pretty young, 8 and 9. Sandra doesn't like Annie, and she is scared of pops. I don't know why. _

_Pops is a bit odd though. He smacked my butt when we were going off to bed, but he was just joking because he laughed when I jumped, like 4 foot in the air! He did it to Sandra too, but she didn't do anything. I was really confused when Annie came and gave me a hug when I was in bed, because she was crying. I didn't see her, but she made my shoulder all damp. I think that she and pops have arguments, because I heard him shout at her. But they don't hit each other, so i think they are normal. Pops came and gave me a hug too, I think this family is good because they care about each other. I like people caring about me and hugging me. Maybe they'll adopt me and I can stay here forever."_

Nick frowned at the diary. To him, it sounded like the foster home was a little, well, odd to be honest. He read on after this entry, seeing things that the teenage Sara did not, the things that flew by her. He could sense the under-current of the foster home, the one Sara was happily surfing atop of. When she described Sandra's attitudes, and after school, walking in on her and a craft knife, Nick felt queasy. He knew what was happening, and he could gaze into the crystal ball, the diary in his hands, and almost predict what may have happened...

"_December 16th 1989_

_Okay, things here are pretty cool. Pops is so awesome, I wish he was my dad, my real dad. He takes me out on 'date days' like to ice-hockey games, or movies. Once he even took me clothes shopping, and told me what he thought of all the outfits I put on! I normally hate stupid clothes, but he made it fun! He is so nice! Elizabeth and I both go to dance classes, which I hate because I always fall over myself and i have no co-ordination WHATSOEVER. But Elizabeth is so cute, she does it all so perfectly! But when I say I want to quit, pops gets a really sad look on his face and goes "please keep it up princess, it is all worth it in the end." and he says since I want to get a college scholarship to Yale or Harvard, a good background will make me look better. So I'm going to stick to it!_

_I'm a little bit worried about Sandra. I know she is cutting herself more and more, and she never talks any more...when she does, it isn't really her, its all monotone, and stuff. I think she doesn't eat enough, because she has gotten more and more and more thin. At her birthday party last month, she only had a tiny slice of her cake. And I think she hated all her presents. I got her this book on stars and stuff, cos she loves space and all the things about it, and she barely smiled. I thought she would be crazy happy when pops gave her a mini telescope thingy, but she looked sad. She acts so weird around pops, I think she might be a bit scared of him...hmmmm...Annie is getting more fluttery by the day, she is always hanging around me (which I know is mean of me to say) and it really annoys me when I am doing homework or reading. I swear to god, I'm surprised she lets me go to the bathroom alone!_

_I love school so much! Physics sciences and Chemistry are so good this year, my teacher is so cool. He's kind of cute too...All the guys in my year suck, they are either jocks, or weird (i mean they have runny noses, and wear their pants really high on their waists and stuff.) some guys are kinda cool, my friends Brian and Sean are great. We always sit in the library for lunch, which everyone makes fun of us for, but I don't care. This awful jock, Laurie, who pinches girls butts and makes dirty jokes, asked them if I was their "whoe" (i think thats how its spelt) right in front of them. I didn't get what he said, so I asked Sandra and she told me. Thats disgusting. Do I look like a prostitute? I hate Laurie, he's such a jerk. He said he wants to kick Brians ass after school, for like no reason. I hate boys. Urgh."_

After this, the diary was finished. Nick looked up to see Grissom staring into space, a look of semi-catatonia on his face.

"Grissom?"

"Nick, I think- I think its really best if I read these, you can go and help Catherine and Warrick."

"Uhm, o.k..."

Nick was non-plussed as he agreed to Grissoms suggestion. He turned and looked at the entomologist as he walked out the lab, and Nick saw a look of pain shoot across Grissom's face.

Nick knew what was in those diaries from that second onwards. Grissom was trying to protect him. And Sara. He knew Sara would rather Grissom read them than he did. Nick left the office to join Warrick and Catherine.

"Hey Nicky, whats up?"

"Grissom asked me to help..."

"ok...god we're so lucky that the lab's pretty slow tonight, we only had one DB! Greg went out to the scene, so maybe you could go out and check up on him?"

Nick knew Catherine wanted him out of the way, but he happily obliged to go. Grabbing a kit, he made his way to his car.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

**Long lost words, whisper slowly, to me  
Still can't find what keeps me here  
And all this time I've been so hollow inside  
And I know you're still there**

**Holding me  
Killing me  
I won't let you hold me down  
Saving me  
Raping me  
Watching me**

"H**aunted" by Evanescence**

Grissom couldn't believe the things he was reading in the diary of 1989. He knew people did these things to kids, how could he not, when working in forensics? He had, however, never really thought on what it was like for the child, what it would have been like. It made him ache to think of his Sara going through these things.

"_January 28th 1990_

_I'm freaked out. Really freaked out. I was having my shower before bed, and when I stepped out from behind the curtain, pops was there. I was so embarrassed, I didn't even have my clothes on, and he was just standing there staring at me. I couldn't even reach the towel, it was behind him, I sort of screamed and covered myself as best I could. He was just standing there, looking at me. I thought maybe he wanted past so he could get in the shower, but he knew I was in there, I told everyone so they would come in. there are no locks on the bathroom door. He grabbed me and pushed me on the seat, and I started screaming, then he put his hand on my mouth and said if I didn't shut up, he was going to belt me. I saw him do that to Elizabeth once, when she had stolen the cookies, and I was so scared, so I didn't make any noises, and nodded my head. It was gross, he stuck his slimy tongue in my mouth. I felt so sick. Then he moved his hand, and I said no, but he said that he needed to check that I hadn't done it, which I hadn't cos I'm only thirteen for gods sake, and I said that but he hit my face so I shut up. It was so sore. He left when I started crying. I feel so dirty and gross. When I came out of the bathroom, Annie was standing down the hall. I was about to speak when she looked at me and shook her head, then mouthed 'no' at me. Then she went into her bedroom. So now I'm in bed, and I wish that I could get away from here. I think that Mr Bounton is a Paedophile. But no body would believe me, would they?"_

"_March 5th 1990_

_I wish I was dead. I think I've just been raped. But I know I haven't, I asked him to do it. What do I do?" _

Grissom froze when he read this short diary entry. What did she mean, she asked him? No one asked for that. Oh god, little Sara. He couldn't breathe, his chest was getting tighter and tighter. He dry heaved into the waste paper basket next to him. Sara. He knew she had a rough childhood. He knew about her parents. But why hadn't she told him about this? WHY? He didn't want to go on reading, but at the same time, he did.

"_March 18th 1990_

_He tried to do it again. He locked me in the cupboard when i pushed him off, and said no. he told me he would let me out when I said it. I was in there for ages. But I couldn't breathe. I need to tell someone about this. I tried to talk to Annie, but she just muttered something and walked away. Sandra has left. That means it's just me. I hate him I'm so scared. Jayden knows about it. He was home when I was locked in the cupboard, he heard my screaming. I know because he spoke to mr Bounton when he was standing outside the door, and Mr Bounton told him to fuck off. I hate them. Mr Bounton says it turns him on when I scream, so I try to be calm when he locks me in there, but I can't. I really can't. I need to get away from here."_

"_July 3rd 1990"_

_It's been happening for months now... at least twice a week. I can't do anything, no one will believe me. I have awful bruises all along my hips. I tried to tell my physics teacher that something was happening, but Mrs Clements just said that she would talk to me after lunch. I knew from that second that no one would really believe, and that I shouldn't say anything. So i didn't do anything. Corey Browns was flirting with me in class, but when he touched the edge of my jumper, I literally threw myself away from him. It scared me so much. I know that if I don't say anything, he will keep doing it to other people after I leave and me until I leave, but I can't say anything."_

"_July 20th 1990"_

_My stomach really hurts. I told him that I had a really bad period, so he would leave me alone, but he just laughed, and pushed me against my dresser. I haven't had my period for three months. Annie took me to the doctors when I told her. I don't know what it was, I was scared, because I though I might have been pregnant. We did a video on it in biology last week, and it says that what happens if you are pregnant. But I amn't thank god, the lady doctor was so nice, she told me that I had prinmary amenorrhoea because I was too skinny. She asked me if I had an eating disorder, but I said no because I don't. She saw the bruises on my hipbones, and asked me if I needed to tell her anything, but I said no. I just couldn't do it. I could keep my top on though, during the exam thingy, so she didn't see my cuts."_

Grissom had suspected that Sara had self-mutilated when she was younger. He remembered seeing faded scars all over her arms when she wore short sleeved tops, and he had felt the tiny ridges when he hugged her after she told him about her family, but he had never asked. He had always subconsciously wondered why she had done it, if she truly had done it.

"_September 19th 1990"_

_My birthday was good, I guess. I got a lot of presents from Him, but I know that it means I will have to repay Him later...I was put in the cupboard four times last week. I hate it._

"_September 25th 1990_

_I saw Therese today. She said that I was moving homes, as there was one closer to my school than this one. From here, I have to spend half an hour travelling in the car with Him, while he feels me up through my pants, or under my top. I can get away. I'm going to be safe."_

Grissom breathed out in relief. He wanted to cry, but to punch somethingat the same time. He knew it wasn't so much for a happy ending, but at least she had escaped her paedophile foster 'pops'...


	6. Chapter 6: Diaries Part 2 Sullen Girl

**Chapter 6: Diaries – Sullen Girl**

**Warnings and Disclaimers- See prologue**

_Grissom breathed out in relief. He wanted to cry, but to punch something at the same time. He knew it wasn't so much for a happy ending, but at least she had escaped her paedophile foster 'pops'..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"_September 26th 1990._

_New foster home. New life. I feel so alive. I feel empty. I don't know what I am: I feel so confused, so conflicted. Haha, mybe I'm going mad. My real mom's in a psych ward, I went to see her...being around crazy people makes me feel crazy..._

_The place I'm at right now, its only tempoary. I'll only be here a week. I don't see much point in talking to these people. People just fuck you, then fuck you, if you get what I mean. Aha. First sexually, then, well, I don't really know what I mean by the second. I mean they screw you over. Why is it all about sex?_

_I love my school right now. I can read in peace, study, learn. I want to know everything about everything._

"_We have a hunger of the mind which asks for knowledge of all around us, and the more we gain, the more is our desire; the more we see, the more we are capable of seeing." My favourite quote right now, Maria Mitchell._

_I want to know why we do the things we do, the how and the where. I love physics, I love to toy with the idea that in places what may go up, may not come down. If I know enough, maybe I will be whole again. I could twist things to suit me, to bend the rules. _

_But...aha...in addition to this, there is a nice guy in my physics class, he's new this year. I don't know what he's like, but he sits next to me and he seems shy...he seems so pure...he has a lopsided smile, and grey eyes that crinkle. We ate lunch together. I don't eat much anymore...but when I'm with him, I feel safe."_

Grissom's heart tugged as he thought of teenage sara in love. It seemed so helpless, but he was amazed at how she pulled herself away from her old situation, and applied her mind somewhere else.

"_October 16th 1990_

_New foster home. Not worth mentioning._

_Jamie, from my physics class, he's amazing. I think I'm in love with him. He walked me home, and we made out for about an hour behind the hedge in front of the house, where no body could see us. It feels so pure. My friend, Jess, says that we're too young to be in so deep, but it's so consuming. I can't go a day without seeing him, he can't go a day without seeing me. He held my hand when I was getting my tatoo done. I love it so much. It's a tiny symbol on my left thigh, it's arabic for 'escape' I have escaped, I feel renewed. We haven't slept together yet. I know I'm too young, but hey, I thought I was too young for a tatoo! I only recently turned 14, but Jamie's 15, and he's never done it with anyone...I haven't told Jamie about 'him', I know he would think that I was a dirty slut if I did. It was my fault anyway, so its not like I can go scream 'rape!' to the police anyway..._

_October 31st 1990_

_It's Jess's halloween party tonight, her mom and dad are going out to a resteraunt for a full evening dinner, so we all have the house to ourselves for like, six hours. Jamie can't go, but I sorta don't care, I feel to hemmed in, too claustrophobic...I'm going as a fairy. It's gonna be so much fun!"_

"_November 1st 1990_

_What did I do? Oh god, I feel so bad. I woke up this morning in Jess's basement sofa with a random guy ontop of me. I hate myself. I think I slept with him, because I couldn't find my panties when I got up. I crept through the side door to the foster home, the foster mother saw me, but she just nodded at me. No one cares if I come home at 7am with booze on my breath, and my make-up smudged, because, well lets face it, why should they? I'm a mess. I feel so empty._

**Is that why they call me a sullen girl - sullen girl.  
The dont know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea.  
But he washed me shore and he took my pearl -  
And left an empty shell of me. **

And theres too much going on.  
But its calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion.

"**sullen girl" by fiona Apple**

"_November 29th 1990_

_I'm at a new foster home. The old one said that they couldn't cope with a, and I quote, "tearaway teenager" The mother here seems nice, she calls me honey. The dad is very twitchy and quiet, I think he's scared of me. Their son, is another matter altogether. He's tall, sexy, and he has the biggest stash of coke I've ever seen. He's about 17, and his name is Baz...how unfortunate...I aced the physics test, it was too easy. I think the teacher might like me, he put his hand on my lower back when he cheked my experiment. I know I'm not an utter dog, I've slept with like five guys, but the term 'slut' comes to mind. He was right. I am a slut. I don't care, what else have I got to live for? Sex, drugs and Nirvana. It all runs into one...I cut my arm so deeply, but I think I understand why Sandra did it. It's such a buzz, the feeling that you're doing what goes against the laws of all human nature, that its wrong but so right."_

"_December 3rd 1990_

_It's a record, they threw me out after four days. The mother caught me in the bedroom with her son. She found the drugs, he blamed it on me. Whatever. She marched me down to the kitchen once I had got all my clothes on, then hissed in my face "You're so out of here, you can rot in the streets for all I care. I WILL NOT have you corrupting my son, you little Jezabel." Jezabel? What is this, the 1900's? I laughed in her face and told her I'd be happy to leave. Packed my stuff, gave Baz a great wet smooch on the lips, and told him I'd phone him...I've never done coke before last night, and I think that I'd like to do it again. I have like, no money though, so i guess I'll just have to sleep with him until I get some."_

"_January 27th 1991_

_Aced exams again. Duh. I got my belly button done last week, it hurt like a fucking bitch. Since then I've been drinking to numb the burn in my stomach. It got infected, so I cleaned it out with vodka, I was crying by the time I had finished! I look like such a rocker-esque punk now, since I have my tongue and my ears and my belly button done. Even though I don't look the part, I am sooooo the dorkiest kid in school...the teachers mostly love me! Mr sanderson, my physics teacher, has held me back like three times after class to discuss moving up a physics class, but I know that's not what he wants. They all want the same thing. He was standing behind me, and breathing on my neck. I could sense him smell my hair. I wondered if we would just fuck right there and then, or if he'd wait. He's not that old-maybe about thirty, but he's hot for thirty! I bet he's like a closet phaedophile, but they all are really. Look at the runway models. Long skinny legs, big eyes, soft hair, pouty lips, and without make-up they'd probably look like very tall children! All their attributes, physically, are not disimilar to kids. It makes me fucking sick._

"_February 14th 1991_

_I fucked him. He asked me if I wanted to go over any notes with him since I've started taking the higher classes, and I said that I would. Then I was really coy, hinting about this and that, then he looked at me and said "You're a very pretty girl Sara. Do you have a boyfriend?" I said to him "Nope, just crushes and fucks. I don't believe in emotions" I knew we would do it, what guy would say no to no-strings-attached-sex? I just want to fill the hole that He left. Anyway, Mr Sanderson just kissed me right there. He tried to get me to go into the supply cupboard, but I went mad, and told him that if he really wanted to fuk me, he would do it where I wanted to. So we did it on top of my desk. Then, in the backseat of his car when he drove me home to the foster family."_

"_February 28th 1991_

_We did it again. He's the best guy that I've ever slept with. He told me, aftter we'd finished, that I was too young to be so adult. I just lay in his arms and cried the rest of the night. Whats wrong with me? He asked me why I was crying and stroked my hair. I felt so loved, so cared for, but so empty. I told him, I couldn't stop myself. Once I'd finished, he hugged me stiffly and said that it would be okay, then he went to the bathroom. I left then, he didn't love me. I loved him. He loved fucking, not me. No body would ever be interested in the real Sara Sidle, in my personality. I guess I'm just good as a whore."_

"_May 12th 1991_

_I saw Elizabeth. She was down at the movies, I was there with Callie and Jorje, and I heard this little voice behind me go "Sara?"_

_I whirled around, and it was Elizabeth! God, she was was pretty now._

"_ELLIE! Wow, you look so different! So grown up!" she was only 12 years old, but she looked like she'd seen too much. _

"_So do you Sara." she smiled "are you still in care?"_

"_yeah. Are you still with, uh, them?" I couldn't say the name._

"_No I was moved just after you."_

"_right. Um, good. Do you ever hear from Sandra or Leya?"_

"_No...Sandra, I heard she, uhm, tried to kill herself..."_

"_Oh. thats too bad."_

_I said goodbyes and turned away to leave._

"_Sara?" she pulled the corner of my leather jacket "I'm sorry I never...I never stopped him...I'm so sorry...we didn't understand."_

"_He didn't...to you?"_

"_No...He was, uh, pretty pissed after you left...he just hit Annie and Jayden around a bit. He left me and Leya alone..."_

"_thats good...I'm glad that you were okay."_

_I walked away from her, I went to my friends._

"_June 2nd 1991_

_I got a job down at this car mechanic place. Basically, I'm the till girl. And the stock girl. And the one that occasionally entertains the customers if toby, the owner, is late in, and no-one else is around to fix the cars. All these guys come in, like punky guys, they're all cool. They usually have pot on them. This totally awesome guy, Mike Madden, I've met up with him a couple of times with him and his friend Brian. Mikes pretty hot, he always has drugs or alchol. He asked me about the cuts on my arms. My eyes were prickling, he actually cared. I really like him. _

_August 30th 1991_

_I don't have a foster home right now. Therese can't find anywhere with space, and no body wants to take on a "tearaway teenager" I have to stay at this hostel place, it's so gross. I'm surrounded by other teenage fuckups though, so there's always drugs and alchol. And at least everyone here is fucking interesting, y'know? I'm such good friends with this girl Esme, she's really similar to me. She doesn't go to school though, so when I off fucking packing my bag like a good little girl, shes off smoking a joint, or fucking one of the so called 'staff' I feel really bad for her, she can't get anything to do with school, it just doesn't go in her head. She's one of the few people that I told about Him, and she totally got what I said when I told her about nobody caring about what He did. I don't know. Es is cool."_

"_September 3rd 1991_

_FUCK! I think I'm pregnant."_

At this point, Grissom slammed the notebook shut. He couldn't read about Sara destroying herself any longer. He didn't think that Sara was the typical screwed up teen junkie-lush. He just didn't think she would have such a low opinion of herself. He couldn't read the story of little miss Sara Sidle, the girl who grew up too fast. It hurt him. But he felt so proud of her. Sara had been to hell and back, she had pulled herself out of the sinking sand. He needed to get her back, so he could tell her what she meant to him, he could help her. He loved her. He wasn't one of those people that would use and abuse...

Yes he was.

He knew, HE KNEW, that Sara had fallen or him several years ago, and since then he had been awkward round her, brushing her away like she didn't matter. Then when she dated Hank, he was intentionally cruel to her, and rejoiced within himself when Hank hurt Sara so much.

Grissom may not have used, but he had certainly abused...he had just done it in a way that didn't leave the bruises and scars.

He opened the book

"_September 4th 1991._

_I'm not pregnant anymore. I did the test, and it was positive. So I fell down the stairs and landed on my stomach. On purpose. I'm a murderer."_

"_September 20th 1991_

_WOO! I'm fifteen! One year until I can graduate, hopefully, I can get early acceptance...I have aced every test I ever did. Therese has a home for me too! She says that I'll be happy there, that I need to be, or else, I'll just have to stay at the hostel for another year. I can't do that. I can't. I will stay at this home."_

"_September 21st 1991_

_I'm back with the Bountons._

_Therese's car stopped in front of their house, and I froze. I couldn't get out. Therese shouted at me to hurry up, and I got out the car. I was frozen in time. I don't know how to explain it any better. I knew I was walking straight into Dante's seventh circle, special admittance, but I couldn't turn away. Therese knocked on the door, and seconds later, it was flung open by Him._

"_PRINCESS! I knew you would come back to us!" I heard the undertone in his voice. He knew I hadn't told. He knew. Therese smiled, then hurriedly said goodbye._

_I didn't even have time to reply before she was down the path and in her car. I turned and faced him. He grabbed my arm._

"_soooooooo nice to have you back, little miss sidle. Why you have grown up." he leered at me, and I felt him slip his hand down the backside of my jeans, and pinch my ass._

_He tugged my arm with his other hand._

_I walked forward into the jaws of the beast._

"_September 22nd 1991_

_Cupboard. He said I'd never get away. Then when I asked, he came in. I tried to punch him, and run, but he squeezed my throat until I passed out. When I woke up, I was still in the cupboard, but without my clothes."_

"_September 23rd 1991._

_He saw me making out with a guy after school, in the play-yard. He put me in the cupboard. Then he belted me. He saw my cuts, and told me how much he missed 'Sandy.'_

"_September 24th 1991_

_Cupboard"_

"_September 25th 1991_

_Cupboard."_

"_Spetember 26th 1991_

_He didn't bother with the cupboard this time. He didn't even have to. This is my fault."_

Grissom read through many entries taht were almost Carbon copies of this. After about three months, he felt numb with sorrow, and anger. He read of Sara's acceptance of the situation, her fear, her self-hatred, her self-recrimination. He read it all.

Gil Grissom had never felt so sick in his life.

Finally, he reached the date, July the first, 1993

"_I'm out. I was accepted to Harvard early. Im away. I want to leave and never look back. They have stripped me of my personality. I have to start from the the roots, and grow a new one now..."_

Grissom was just glad to reach her university years, seeing erratic updates, mostly notes on physics.

He read on quickly, seeing nothing of relevance to her situation.

He read until his eyes were tired, and his head throbbed. Then gil grissom fell asleep, his head landing on a pile of written emotions, the emotions of the person he loved with all he had, his heart, his soul, his everything...

**I doubt that I'll update before saturday...mabye friday night... Im sooo fucking tired, I've been writing two chapters a night. Ridiculous. Im such a dork. please review me, I have literally like, 25 times more hits than I do reviews. please feed me with more revies! Im HUNGREE! haha, well will update on fri! take care, xoxoxoxox **


	7. Chapter 7: I Treasure Your Love

**Chapter 7- I Treasure Your Love**

**Warnings, et Disclaimers- see chapter one.**

**K, on with the chapter...**

_He read until his eyes were tired, and his head throbbed. Then gil grissom fell asleep, his head landing on a pile of written emotions, the emotions of the person he loved with all he had, his heart, his soul, his everything..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

**He was walking towards her, as she knelt on the hill. "Sara?"**

"**hey Gil." That's when he knew it was a dream. Sara always called him Grissom, or Griss when she was in an especially affectionate mood.**

**She looked up at him with youthful eyes. He noticed that she looked at the most relaxed he'd ever seen her. No furrowed brow, no biting her lips. Just Sara.**

**She offered her hand to him, and he pulled her up. "Sara, how are you? Where are you?"**

"**You need to fit the puzzle together, I can't do it for you." her eyes were dancing with light and humour.**

"**Sara, please help me find you."**

"**Gil, come dance."**

**Music was playing from nowhere. Grissom recognized it as the Pezzo Capriccioso, the melodramatic music twirling through the air. Sara grabbed him.**

**They danced around the side of the hill. Grissom couldn't speak, he wanted this dream never to end. But Sara pushed him away.**

"**Sara?"**

**She was walking down the hill away from him. He ran after her and touched her shoulder. "Sara, don't go."**

**She whirled around to look at him. Her eyes were open caverns of fear, dismay, and sadness. Gil could see no hope there. Suddenly she stepped towards him.**

"**I did it Gil. I did it..."**

"**Sweetie, what, what did you do? Sara? Sweetheart, please. What?"**

"**I DID IT. I DID IT. IT DOESN'T STOP."**

**Gil looked at the arms she was pushing in his direction. Cut's ran down them, red gashes lying open on the pale white skin.**

**Gil saw the blood run down her arms and her legs, spreading over the white dress he hadn't noticed she was wearing.**

"**I DID IT. I DIT IT. I DID IT."**

**She was screaming now, bloody tears ran down her face. "I DID THIS"**

"**Sara...sara...please."**

"**No, don't"**

**He was in a dark enclosed space**

**Grissom looked down on Sara, lying semi-catatonic beneath him. He laughed hysterically and cruelly as tears ran from her eyes, and her blue-tinged lips uttered. "Please. Don't"**

**Grissom wanted to stop himself. He wanted to grab her and run out of the hell-hole they were in. He wanted to save her, show her that there was love for her from not just him, but almost everyone who knew Sara.**

**He grabbed her by the shoulders and thrust into her.**

**It was almost like Gil was fighting himself, but not himself. He could see Sara under him, her eyes focused on some distant point in the ceiling. She wasn't really there anymore...**

**Sara had tripped and fallen in the dirt, and he couldn't pick her up.**

"Griss? Gil! Gil! Wake-up! GIL!"

Grissom could feel someone shaking him.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"**Rock and Roll dreams come through" Meatloaf**

"I COULDN'T STOP MYSELF" he grabbed the wrist shaking him and twisted it.

"Let go, you're hurting me!" Catherine's voice plaintively drifted towards him, and he dropped her wrist like it was on fire. "Gil, what's wrong?"

"I'm- I'm fine. Nothing."

"couldn't stop yourself doing what?" Catherine was curious to see what the night-shift supervisor had gotten into such a state about.

"Nothing, I didn't do anything. It was just a dream."

"uh, ok. What are we going to do with these?" She gestured to the notebooks littering the desk. The ones on the left side had been read, the ones on the right side hadn't.

"leave them. Nick- No, I'll read the rest of them."

"you've been holed up in here for at least two hours. Can't the team help you? We all know Sara, it's not like we'll be giving them to a stranger..."

"No, I'll be done in four hours max."

"'Kay. I think Ecklie wants to speak to you, by the way."

"thank you." Catherine knew she was being dismissed, and she watched from a furrowed forehead, as Grissom picked up the unread notebooks and left the lab, after placing the read ones in his locked fiing cabinet.

Catherine exhaled slowly. What the hell was in there? Was Sara an ex convict? An ex drug dealer? An ex-prostitute? What? Cath knew that Sara had had previous problems with a DUI, but hell, who didn't have one of those in Vegas? Cath had to know what was in those diaries. Everyone at the lab knew she had an insatiable hunger for gossip...she did know where Griss kept a spare key...

The devil on her shoulder urged her : "Go on Cath, we won't tell..."

The angel : "We? You mean you, you shizoid fire-crotch!" even angel Cath had a bit of an attitude problem...

Devil: "C'mon, it won't do any harm..."

Angel : "What about Sara? You'll hurt her by invading her privacy..."

Devil : "She never needs to know...it's not like whatever is in there is gonna be that bad, it's Sara for Chrissakes!"

Angel : "Fuck off. Cath's not going to listen to you..."

"The hell I'm not." Catherine was halfway through the office, and was retrieving the spare key from underneath the formaldehyde 'Miss Piggy'

Cathine Willows walked quickly, and authoritavely from Grissoms office to the locker room, where she would be found thirty minutes later by Greg, vomiting into one of the bins...

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"Cath, Cath, are you okay? Catherine!"

Greg ran to her when he saw her bent double over the garbage bin. "What happened?"

"jesus Christ! Oh god. Sara."

Greg snapped his head toward her, paying close attention. "What, what about Sara?"

"oh Greg. I knew people did this, but, oh, Greg."

"What? What?"

"She was only thirteen. Jesus. Younger than Linsey. That could have been my baby!"

Greg noticed the notebook in Catherines lap, and recoiled backwards. "Cath, is-is that Sara's diary? Please tell me it's not."

"Fuck. I just wanted to know if there was any way I could help her. And I read it, I didn't think stuff like that, had-had happened. I mean, I figured maybe some family problems, but not, not anything like that. And she was so young Greg...only a little girl..."

"Cath, I-"

Catherine seemed to get a hold of herself. Drying her eyes, and wiping under them to rid herself of smudged mascara and eye-liner, she straightened her jacket.

"I'm putting this back in the office, then- then I'll come help you."

"Ummm...'kay...you know that the shift's over? What about uh, Linsey?"

"It's fine...I have a sitter in for her. I'm not leaving till we find something."

"'kay" Greg wanted to ask her about the book, but knew he couldn't.

_Why, oh why do the cruelties of men__ fascinate us so?_

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"Gil, come in"

Ecklie's voice interrupted his thoughts. "Any news on Sidle?"

"Nothing."

"Gil-I think we need to get CSI's off the case, and missing persons on it. Even though she's one of us, we cant afford to le-"

"What?" Grissom could feel the bubbling violent side of him urging to punch Ecklie there and then.

"We cannot afford to let the day-shift take on every responsibility. I'm sorry Gil, but Sara is no longer priority. She has been missing for over 48 hours. There are bodies coming in by the hour. Crime scene's are not preserved which you damn know"

"NO. WE ARE WORKING SARA'S CASE. WE HAVE TO FIND HER."

"No Grissom. That's missing persons job."

"NO, THATS MY FUCKING JOB! LET ME DO IT!"

Ecklies eyes suddenly shone in malice. "Gil, is there some inappropriate attachment between you and CSI Sidle?"

"No." said Gil, turning around to walk out the door, knowing he couldn't argue his way out of that corner. "I was too late."

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_When Sara woke up, the first thing she noticed was that she wasn't leaning against the basement door. She was in a chair. Sitting in a chair. With straps attaching her to it. And a blindfold over her eyes. She was freezing cold, so so cold._

"_Hey princess. How was your nap? Did you sleep okay?"_

"_Fuck you."_

"_C'mon Princess that's not nice. You know, I couldn't even take a wild guess about the amount of times that you've said that to me."_

"_I'll say it again. FUCK. YOU."_

"_Princess, I think you need a little lesson in manners..."_

_She froze. That was too familiar to be coincidental._

_He saw her stiffen. "Ah-ah-ah, PRINCESS. A blast from the past?"_

"_who are you?" she was terrified. He could hear it in her voice, smell it in the air. Jayden Bounton saw himself as a great hunter, one with the base skills, but with more honed talents in addition to this. He could smell his 'prey's' fear, he knew what direction they would take, why, he even knew what they were thinking. He knew what she was thinking, he knew her through and through. Inside out. Well, he knew her inside out, he chuckled at his own disgusting innuendo. _

"_Princess, you know who I am."_

"_b-b-but, you're in jail. I know, I saw. Someone told."_

"_Did you tell Princess? Did you?"_

"_I didn't! I promise I didn't! I swear...I swear...please, believe me, I swear...I promise..."_

"_Princess, are you lying?"_

"_no...please...I never told..."_

"_You are lying. You know what happens to liars?"_

"_You're not Him."_

"_Oh, but princess, I'm close enough. And he will see you, I guarantee."_

"_No...please...I never told, I promise..."_

_He traced his finger lightly over the tattoos she had. The 'escape' symbol she had on her left thigh. The flower on her ankle. The quote across her lower back- "A prayer for the wild at heart kept in cages." he flicked her belly-button piercing. He loved that. So sexy. He figured that she had it done when she was at least fourteen, it was like that when she was at the house a second time. His eyes went back to the 'escape' symbol._

"_Escape? Really?"_

_Sara couldn't stand him trailing his hands gently all over her, a mock of a lovers caress. "I hate you"_

"_Princess, they say talking to yourself isn't a good sign."_

"_It wasn't you before. Why now? Why now? You didn't have to do this."_

"_princess, I think I'm going to tell you the truth. It's just-well, I don't see you leaving here, do you? I'm going to keep you here forever."_

_Sara took in an unsteady breath._

"_No, no, I'm not going to kill you. You'll just live down here...My own personal fuck-toy. I like that idea...hmm, I think you do too."_

"_no. stop-"_

"_Sara, no matter how many times you scream 'rape', no one will believe you. You were begging for it. And the only way you managed to get my father put away, was by telling that stupid fucking social worker, who was so fucking stupid, she'd believe that a goat laid eggs."_

"_No-I never told"_

"_Don't bullshit me. I know you told. Don't fucking lie, you little whore. My father is getting out soon. He'll come see you, I know he wouldn't miss this opportunity for anything..."_

"_Why are you doing this? You never did it before..."_

"_Ah-but that doesn't mean I didn't want to, princess. I've wanted to fuck you ever since you stepped through that front door as a naïve little 12 year old, with so much...I dunno...purity. You've lost the purity now, Sara, but there's still something...it's a spark I suppose..."_

"_You fucking sicko. You hunted down me, after your father raped me repeatedly as a child, and now, you want to do the same? Go screw yourself." Sara's confidence was spurted by his recent confessional. Usually when they told you what they thought, they either killed you, themselves, or made a big fucking mistake, allowing you to escape._

"_you should consider yourself special Sara. You know I went after so many other women, did to them what I so longed to do to you. But nothing filled the void that you put there..."_

"_what others? What others?"_

"_why, you may have processed the scenes precious. I know, I saw you. I evenm have some photos if you'd like a lo-"_

"_Who? Tell me. Who?"_

"_Ah, but to name a few. Amy" Broken in door. No blood. Sara remembered. "Geneiva Kanes." Same method. No fibres. "Louise Reynolds." Some fibres. Lots of blood. She put up a big fight. "Alyssa Henders." suspected run-away. 17 years old, empty bank account. "Daniella Marconi." police found her burnt body in the woods, half decomposed. "Susanna Dawes." still missing. "Siobhan Meadows." also missing. _

"_where are Alyssa, Susanna and Siobhan?" Sara had noted the names of the women whose bodies they hadn't found. She always remembered unsolved cases, even if they were day shifts. _

"_Why, I thought you'd have know. Don't CSI's have good intuition?"_

"_Where?" Sara was scared to hear the answer. _

"_why, princess, they're here! That's why you haven't been getting all my attention!"_

_Sara couldn't breathe. Blood pounded under her eyeballs. It was her fault. Ohgodohgodohgodohgod. Her fault. Her fault._

"_of course, if you're jealous, I could...dispose of them for you."_

"_no..."_

"_That's my princess. So compassionate. Will you show me how compassionate you can be?"_

"_no."_

"_yes, you will."_

_Sara didn't cry. She couldn't anymore. She couldn't say no. She couldn't say stop. She couldn'tshe couldn'tshe couldn'tshe couldn't._

_Body over body. Skin to skin. It shouldn't be this way. A coldness that wouldn't leave her bones. No ache in her heart, no tear in her soul._

_Sara Sidle had nothing._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"stop." Grissoms weary voice interrupted the team, as they yet again checked the facial recognition database.

"stop?" Greg was puzzled. Catherine shot Grissom a look of surprised, and he was surprised to see how large the shadows under her eyes were, the pain that they seemed to hold.

"Stop. Ecklie's getting in missing persons."

immeadiately : an uproar. "No, Saras one of us." "It's only been 2 and a half days!" "Griss, if we can't find more evidence, they can't find Sara"

"Missing persons is taking the case from now on." Grissoms voice was dead.

They all knew what that meant. Missing persons was frantically over-run, more than 1000 in a year ion Nevada. Children were priority. Sara had been missing more than 48 hours. If she was lucky, her picture would be given to a new employee, who determined to make their mark and further their career, would pull out every effort to find her. Without success. Or worst case scenario, if she was unlucky, her picture and details would be tacked to the pin board, put on the website and left there till maybe three months later, a new missing person would take her place.

"please gil. They won't find her." Cath's voice was quiet, subdued.

"What the fuck can I do?" Grissom's voice was quiet too, but with more than a hint of despair, which was currently missing from Catherines. "What can I fucking do?"

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"_Please, I never-"_

"_Bitch"_

_He brought the leather cracking down on her back. "You did. Who else would have? You were the last one."_

_Her hitch of breath showed her surprise. _

"_yeah, my pops wasn't a dirty old pervert, princess. It was just you he liked. Before you, sure, he had a couple, but he didn't put in half the effort with them as he did with you. You were, well you were special to him."_

"_please-"_

"_Shut up." it was his hand across her face this time. "When you left, he hit me and mother around more. Said it was our faults you'd gone."_

_The leather snapped on her back._

"_You know, he said he didn't like them old to me and mother. Imagine your father telling you his sexual preferences! But I could relate, It was the same with me. Even when I was 28, I could relate to him. I saw you as a twelve year old, princess, and let me tell you, I do miss it..." he ran his hands down the back of her legs and her spine, trailing the blood. "but, even though I liked you young, now you're still- how old are you now princess? What, 27, 28?"_

"_please-"_

"_You're 28, I read your date of birth on foster papers. You still have that spark."_

"_please."_

"_It doesn't go out. Sure, it flickers now and again, but it'll only go out when you die Princess. Till then, you'll stay with me."_

"_fuck you"_

"_you did. Would you like to again?"_

"_fuck you, asshole." Sara's voice was dry and her lips were cracked after hours of screaming._

"_you will. I think, though, after a brief spell in the cupboard. Perhaps longer than a brief spell. We'll see how long it takes you to learn some manners."_

"_please, no-"_

_He laughed, then dragged her along the ground and pushed her into the cupboard._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Grissom took Sara's case file home with him, along with her diaries. He had to find her. He missed her laugh, her smile, her easy way of joking, and messing around with Nicky, giving Greg hugs, and giving him chaste kisses on the forehead, which made Greg blush, and gave Grissom a swirling feeling in his stomach. He missed her long legs striding through the lab, missed her blush whenever Doc Robbins sniggered "here comes calamity sara." after she bumped into things. He missed her wincing when she saw his formaldehyde pig, missed her munching down her veggie burgers in a casual way in the break room. He missed seeing her fallen asleep on the break room couch after pulling 2,3,4 double shifts : missed being able to pull the blanket over her, and lightly stroking her silky-soft sleeping face. Missed seeing her bite her lip when she was worried, missed her tugging her left earlobe when she was angry with a suspect. Missed the way the sun caught her hair, and illuminated it, so it looked like a halo behind her head.

Grissom just plain missed Sara Sidle.

Why? He asked himself

The answer was easy. Because he was in love with her, of course.

AWWW! next update may just be tomorro, if i can scrape more than 28 reviews. HINT HINT! no I'm kidding! I'm not a review whore yet, just a review lover! luv you readers, keep reading even if you don't review me!


	8. Chapter 8: Simply Nothing More To Give

**Chapter 8: Simply Nothing More To Give.**

**Warnings and Disclaimer- See Chapter One**

Life it seems, will fade away  
Drifting further every day  
Getting lost within myself  
Nothing matters no one else  
I have lost the will to live  
Simply nothing more to give  
There is nothing more for me  
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be  
Missing one inside of me  
Deathly lost, this cant be real  
Cannot stand this hell I feel  
Emptiness is filling me  
To the point of agony

"**Fade To Black" Metallica**

"Missing persons department, Alanna speaking, how may I help you?"

"This is Gil Grissom. Put me through to Jack Cadden."

"Uh- I don't-"

"This is involving a CSI. Please put me through immediately."

"Uh, ok."

Every time he phoned over the past two weeks, he had this problem. It seemed Missing Persons were doing their damndest to make it impossible for him to find out about Sara, and it made his blood boil.

"Hello Gil." Jack's voice came wearily down the phone.

Gil didn't bother with any niceties. "Jack. Any news?"

"Nothing. Listen Gil-I'm going to be straight with you here. Sara has been gone for over two weeks. Your lab has no evidence. My department has nothing to work with. We have a very small chance at finding her."

"But the notes I sent over-"

"Gil. The old pedophile is locked up in California State Prison. The mom moved over to the UK, and the son moved to Quebec. We got nothing."

"But he could want to get back at Sara. She put his dad in-"

"No she didn't Gil. Tobey pulled up the records this morning. It was a" Gil heard paper shuffling "Sandra Van Der Woodsen who turned him in, when she was in her late teens. Said she was too scared to do it any earlier."

"Sandra Van Der Woodsen?" Gil wrote it down.

"Gil, watch your step with this. You can't interview that girl. She was freaked out enough when I asked her about Bounton. She flipped when I asked her about Sara. You can't-"

"Bye Jack" Gil flipped his cell shut.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"Gil? Can I talk to you?"

"Come on in Cath"

She made her way into his office, sliding past the tarantula, and slumping down in a seat.

"Gil, I-I-I just thought-"

"Are you okay?"

Catherine bent her head. "I'm so sorry Gil. I read her diary."

Silence.

Catherine looked up slowly at Grissom. He was leant back in his chair, eyes shut. Finally:

"Did you tell anyone?"

"No! God, no!"

"Why Cath?"

"Grissom, you need to understand. We all want to help. She's like a sister to Nick and Warrick. Greg's totally besotted with her, you know what he's like." here Grissom rolled his eyes. Even the cleaning staff knew what Greg was like. They were the ones who had to wipe saliva off the floor, after he finished gazing at Sara. "And Griss, even though we didn't get on at first, I love Sara. I swear to god, she's like a daughter to me or something. God, that makes me feel so old."

Grissom hadn't really taken into account how his team members had felt about being left in the dark about Sara. He knew Nick was more than a bit suspicious, he was very intuitive, but Greg and Warrick were both totally clueless, and probably felt resentful, and useless.

"I think they need to know." Grissom looked at Catherine. "But how do you tell people something like that?"

"We don't tell them." Catherine was incredibly relieved he wasn't mad. The angel on her shoulder was currently doing the hula. "We tell Sara we know-when we find her. Then she can decide if she wants them to know."

Grissom concurred with the plan, and got Catherine to agree to go out to Sandra Van Der Woodsen's house with him. After all, she'd answer more questions if there was a woman there, opposed to just Grissom.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Grissom and Catherine both stood expectantly outside the apartment door, waiting for Sandra to open it. They heard a woman inside call out "Hold on! Just a second!" in a warm bubbly tone. Seconds later, after checking through the peep hole, a skinny redhead opened the door. "May I help you?" she asked, looking at the CSI badge Catherine had in her hand.

"CSI. We're investigating the disappearance of Sara Sidle"

"Oh my goodness. Come in."

They followed her into a warm, homey living room. "Gosh, I'm sorry it's such a tip. My two year old has yet to learn the value of tidiness" she laughed, showing white teeth. Catherine and Grissom glanced at each other. This woman certainly wasn't what they were expecting.

"Mommmmmmmmmmy."

"One minute Joey." she turned to the CSI's. "I'm dreadfully sorry. I'll be a second."

They heard her run towards the room don at the bottom of the hall, and shush the child in there.

"Um." Catherine didn't know quite what to say for once.

Grissom was similarly confused as well. Sara was nothing like the typical poster-girl for child abuse, but that was Sara. This woman had a similar, but less frenetic energy than Sara had, she was more maternal.

"Would either of you like anything to eat or drink?" Sandra offered them.

"No thank you Ms. Van Der Woodsen"

"Oh, it's just Sandra. But Sandra Thomms now." she smiled at the medium sized diamond on her hand.

"I am Gil Grissom, and this is Catherine Willows. We would like to talk to you, as we previously mentioned, about CSI Sara Sidle."

"So that's what Princess is doing now."

They exchanged confused looks. "Princess?"

"That's what she used to get called at their house. Annie called her it a couple of times, then we started calling her it. She suited the nickname. She was so full of life, so full of happiness, before him."

"I assume you are referring to Mr Bounton?"

She nodded "You know, before I got married, before Timmy told me to go to the police, I couldn't even stand to hear his name. But I've been married ten years, and every day, it gets easier, you know?"

"You went to the police, was it ten years ago?"

"Don't judge me. I know that going to the police at seventeen was a bit late, but I thought that any help I could give would make a difference."

"We are not judging you, Sandra. If anything, I know I think that you helped a lot of young girls escape the same situation that you and Sara did."

"No, not really. He stopped after Sara."

"He stopped? I hope you don't mind us taking up your time, but we would deeply appreciate it if you could tell us everything you can about what went on in that foster home."

"Sure. Listen, are you positive you don't want anything to drink? I mean, this might take a while, and if you need to take notes or anything..."

"Uhm, a coffee would be great. Cath?"

"Sure. Thank you. Coffee would be good."

They heard her banging about in the kitchen for a few minutes, then come back in with a tray of cookies, two coffees and one herbal tea. After taking a sip she began:

"I was taken into foster care when I was nine years old, and I went to the Bountons when I was thirteen. They were such an amazing family at first you know? Annie was lovely, if not a little quiet and stuttery. But a lot of women who have marriages to men like Mr Bounton tend to be. Jayden their son, he wasn't such a nice guy, he was in his twenties when i was there, he was always glaring at me, and the other kids, you know? Anyway Mr Bounton was fantastic at first, bought me all these toys, joked with me, even took me clothes shopping once. All the other kids were jealous, except from Carrie. She was like, this 16 year old girl there, she was ready to leave like, three months after I got there. She was always so quiet, and she flinched when anyone got near her. She was so quiet. Too quiet. I remember seeing her going into her room, and Mr. Bounton following her, but I reckoned he was just saying goodnight. But when she left, he started coming into my room."

She swallowed. Catherine moved forward and took her hand. Sandra's eyes opened in shock.

"Thank you for telling us this. Every extra piece of information helps us find Sara. But you can stop whenever you need to."

"Thank you, Ms Willows. But I've told this story so many times that I'm sure telling it once more won't give me that many psychological scars." Sandra smiled at Cath as she sat back.

"Anyway, as I was saying, Bounton started coming into my room. He was very good at scaring you into not telling: most foster kids can't bear the thought of being chucked out of the family they've settled into so well. It's really a catch-22 situation. Do you tell and get thrown away from yet another home? Or do you stay silent, but wish you were gone? He was pretty bad to me, but I know for a fact he was worse to little Princess. He wouldn't hold my head under the shower, or anything, he'd just rape me." Grissom started to interrupt, but Sandra smiled then shushed him.

"Yes, I know there's no such thing as 'just rape' but trust me, it could have been a lot worse for me. You will understand how.

Anyway that went on until I was about 15 or so. I was starving myself, cutting, and drinking too much. Mr Bounton didn't care, Annie had been beaten into submission by that point, and Jayden thought it was hilariously funny. He was a creep, that boy.

But then Princess came. I swear, on the day she arrived I just knew. I wanted to scream at her to get back into Therese's car and get the hell away, but I was too scared to say anything.

That night at dinner, Bounton was staring at her like a cat would at a canary. They ordered in food especially. I remember reaching for a slice of pizza, then my sleeve slid back, which showed off this huge scabby cut I had on my arm. Jayden saw, and sort of laughed, but I saw Princess look at my arm, and give me this sad little naive look, like she was terribly surprised and shocked. She had that innocent spark, the one that we all did, until him.

After that, he would leave me alone more. He used to take Princess on "date days" as he called them. I remember thinking how Carrie must have felt, I wasn't jealous at all, but Elizabeth and Leya were. But he never went near them. Too young. I remember he used to take her to hockey games, and made her do ballet classes."

She saw Catherine's look of surprise at 'ballet classes.' "No princess didn't like them. She managed to persuade him to let Elizabeth do them with her so she wouldn't be, and I quote "in a class of silly little pink puffballs."

Catherine smiled. "Yeah, sounds like Sara."

"She and Elizabeth used to do dancing shows for us, when they would put on their leotards and tutu's, and run about the living room. Princess had such long gangly legs, she was forever crashing into things. It was sweet, really, well, if he hadn't been there, taking photos of her, and staring. In fact, I think I have one."

She stood up and went over to the bookcase. Grissom and Cath didn't mind spending lots of time at this woman's apartment talking about Sara. It made them feel like they were helping, and anyway, it was their own off-the-clock time, so Ecklie wouldn't say anything.

"Here."

Sandra offered the book to Grissom and Cath. A photo of Sara in a tutu, giving a piggy back to a child similarly dressed, but a bit younger. Cath smiled. "Cute. I find it hard to believe that's our Sara!" they flipped the page. Sara with Sandra, Sara smiling toothily, while the older girl hugged her with a sad look on her face. Sandra with Sara, and an older man with a pot belly, who had his hand over Sara's waist , and looped over Sandra's shoulder. Sara was laughing in this one, but Sandra had a look of fear plastered across her face, the cheesy smile doing nothing to hide it. A last photo, with Sandra and Sara on some sort of slide together, sliding towards the camera, with smiles of pure, childish joy on their faces, and hair flying. Along the bottom was scrawled 'I can't believe you're going! Miss you Sands. Love Princess. Xxxxxx'

Grissom felt his eyes prick at the last photo.

"I want to throw the one of us with Bounton out, but I think that I have to look at it sometimes. It's not good to cover-up and forget, it inevitably leads to breakdown." She took the proffered album from Catherine's hands and placed it back on the bookshelf.

"As I was saying, before I forced you into looking at my old photos," Sandra smiled "he was forever snapping photos of her, which I knew he didn't do for either me or Carrie. And he put so much effort into doing things with her, gaining her trust. It was awful.

I remember one night, I heard Princess shouting her usual notice about going into the shower, bathroom didn't have a lock," she added, seeing Catherine's confused face "and then about 20 minutes later, the door opening and closing again. I thought she might have left the bathroom, so I was going to go in for a shower. But I opened my door, and I saw Jayden listening at the bathroom door, through the crack at the side. When he saw me, he raised his fist, so I ran back to my room. About three minutes later, I heard Princess scream, then cry, but I couldn't do anything. Jayden stomped off down the hall after this, you could always hear his stupid boots thundering about. And Princess came out after Bounton did, crying. After this, he stopped messing around with me so much. Princess got quieter, and quieter. Although, sometimes she would scream and shout at him, so he normally waited till Annie went out with Elizabeth and Leya."

"How old were you whe-"

"I was just fifteen. I left about three months after the bathroom incident. It was partly because of what he was doing to Princess, but it was also partly because I saw a chance, and I grabbed it. I felt so guilty for month's, years after."

"But by telling the police, you saved other girls-"

"No, I told you Sara was the last." perhaps it was the urgent tone in her voice, or perhaps it was her using Sara's real name that made Grissom hear the urgent tone in her voice.

"Last?"

"Princess was different than us. He took so much time, which I know I've said, but he used to do so much with her. He used to pray on the fears she told him about back when he was good to her, and use them against her to make her beg. He never did that for me or Carrie."

"I'm not sure I quite understand." Grissom said carefully, looking confused. Catherine bore an identical expression.

"It's hard to understand why someone would do this, so I don't blame you." she flashed them a weak smile. "Did you know Princess was severely claustrophobic?"

"Not severely..."

"Yes. She used to be really bad, she wouldn't go in the van, although she'd be more than happy in the car. I think it was the dark that she really hated. Anyway, he used to lock her in this tiny little cupboard they had, that was used for storing coats before Princess came along, and he wouldn't let her out till she begged him."

"Oh my god." Catherine felt sick. She hadn't read this far in the diary.

"Quite." Sandra said, her eyes now full of tears. "I believe the term she had to use was 'Please come and fuck me pops.' Sometimes he wouldn't let her out until she was screaming it and screaming it, he would stand and smirk, and Jayden would laugh as well, if he was in the house. I can still hear it sometimes when I sleep, and just thank the gods that my baby is safe in the next room."

Catherine let out a strangled sob, and looked at Grissom, whose face seemed to be set in a creaseless, serious position.

Princess said that it was her fault, and the only person she could blame was herself, whenever she got out of there. She believed that, because he'd made her say that, it wasn't rape. Bullshit! That man was evil, and knew how to manipulate people in a way I've never seen and never hope to again. Princess still had her spark, but it was flickering. And one of the few times she was able to put up a fight, he whipped her with a leather belt until she was unconscious. That house- it was unbearable. And Princess, what was happening to her made it darker.

I remember in the last months, we were so close. We used to talk about how we'd get away, have our own place, with no guys at all. Lots of ice-cream, and microscopes for princess, telescopes for me, and lots of room for foster kids to come and stay with us too. She came to me three weeks before I left and told me she thought she was pregnant, I told Annie. 12 days before, she told me that she was cutting herself, I told her to use a clean razor, plenty of band-aids, and not to make deep cuts. It was the best advice I could give, I was still doing it myself at that point. One week before I left, she told me about her real family, which broke my heart. Five days before, she asked me how long until we could get that flat together. 3 days, she gave me one of her ballet shoes, I still have it. Two days she gave me that photo, and wouldn't stop crying. She stayed with me all night that night, because she was so terrified. On the last day, when my social worker came, Princess wouldn't let go, and Annie had to drag her off me, which was no mean feat, since that girl had limbs like a damn limpet! I only really realized that she was trying to subconsciously ask for help until years later, after Bounton was put in jail. Carrie, and two other girls testified, but when I asked them if they had experienced anything similar to the cupboard experience, they all said no.

I spoke to Leya about three years ago and we went for a coffee. When we got round to talking about Princess, she told me that Bounton had actually missed her, and he had been beating up Annie mostly, but Jayden as well, since she left, and that he had never 'gotten over' princess, even when he went to prison. He had photos of her. Leya told me Princess was back there for a while, before she went to Harvard, but I thought that was just a rumor..."

"No, not a rumor." Grissom said softly.

"God. How long was she there for?"

"Two years. She left just before you brought Bounton to justice."

"I need to know, what's happening to her now? Where is she? Is she o.k.? Why are you searching for her with missing persons?"

"We, had a uh, an interesting crime scene at Sara's house, and we thought it may be relevant to her past..."

"Is she dead? Please, please say she isn't"

"Honestly? We don't know" It broke Grissom's heart to say this in such a cruel heartless voice, a voice that didn't care.

Sandra put her head in her hands and cried. After about three minutes or so, she raised it and smiled waveringly at them with red eyes.

"I always figured that it would have been years ago I had this discussion. I could see the cops coming to my little college accommodation apartment and asking if I knew this girl, showing me a picture of Sara. She told me when she was old enough, she would put me as her next of kin. But I never got the call, and I figured she was okay. I really thought something would happen to her at that home, I swear to god, that freak wanted to like, possess her." Sandra's voice sparked with brittle hatred. "But she got out, and she got into freaking Harvard, became what she always wanted to be, then it all got fucked up. It's too sad."

This was spoken with such an air of sadness, of misery, that Grissom could hardly bear it. Pushing himself off the sofa, he mumbled his thanks before running into the hallway. He could hear Catherine say: "...so sorry. If you can think...here is my card...worry...find her..." then She joined him outside.

"Where now Gil, back to the lab?"

"No. We can go home."


	9. A Note

**WRITERS NOTE:**

**okay, so I just wanted to reply to a flame that I recently got, because I really pissed me off. So I am really sorry for interrupting everyone reading the story and enjoying it, but this review really pissed me off:**

hi.

I've readall of your story, and i was more than a bit disgusted and sad at some parts.

you have captured Grissoms and sara's emotions pretty well, but don't you think that you're story glorifies rape? you make it seem like Sara isn't suffering mentally from a rape, but she must be. I personally, haven't had anything like that happen t me, but i can guess how the victim must feel, and it obviously isn't the same way as Sara is feeling.

I hope that ou can improve your story from my criticism, and I look forward to reading a bettered version...(you also might want to get a beta, as your grammar and punctuation is terrible)

**First of all, I am glad that you were disgusted and sad at various points in the story. Things like rape and child abuse should make you feel that way. I'd also like to thank you for saying that I capture Sara and Grissoms emotions 'pretty well' **

**But as for you claiming that I make it seem like Sara isn't emotionally suffering? Yeah, thats crap. I have spent so much of this story trying to put across the point of how awful Sara feels, and how dreadful the situation is. My story doesn't glorify rape in the slightest. One of my friends who was reading it, told me she'd never thought about rape and child abuse closely, and contemplated how awful it is, but she said after reading some of my story, she wanted to go and kill every child abuser and rapist out there. Yeah, so if my story really glorifies rape, and makes it seem okay, how come I got a reaction like my friends?**

**I don't appreciate you saying thats not how a victim feels. I think i know how a fucking victim feels, so don't you dare accuse me of getting Sara's emotions wrong. People deal with things like this happening in different ways, so who are you to say that we should all cope in the same way. You obviously don't understand what you're preaching about...**

**And as for my grammar being terrible, yeah, okay I'll confess to that. But when you proof read a chapter that you've just spent two or three hours straight writing, you tend to jump over the small errors and not see them. But i have a beta now, so hopefully my grammar and punctuation will improve.**

**I'm not going to rewrite my story, just because I get one bad review. I personally think that all the people who like my story, and are nice about it with constructive criticism, count more than one person who doesn't. I am sorry you didn't like it though...**

**oh well. Sorry for my rant. I would sned a message directly, but i dont know how to do that. My god, i soun like a mad psycho in that writers note:o**


	10. Chapter 9: The Sweetest Perfection

_**Chapter 9**_

**Warnings et les disclaimers dan Chaptero Uno.**

**This is dedicated to my awesome beta, JallynJ, and to all you lovely reviewers, thank you so much for the encouraging reviews!!! I hope you like this chapter!!! Sugar, xoxoxo**

"_Where now Gil, back to the lab?"_

"_No. We can go home."_

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_Sara felt queasy. She had eaten two pieces of bread, and had a glass of juice earlier, and had paid the price for it..._

_She had been so hungry and thirsty. He hadn't fed her since the third day, and it was now the seventh. She had only drunk perhaps two glasses of water a day at the most, and she was having the most painful cramps in her stomach. _

_Sara's head was swirling with the thoughts that there might be other women in the house, being treated more or less the same as her. They had never seen the parallels between the missing women and her. Well, to be fair not all of them were taken in the same way. The bodies were found in different ways. And only perhaps four of them were tall brunettes, four in seven wasn't exactly earth-shattering odds. Sara could remember every minute detail of the cases:_

_**Amy-Ann Cairngores.**_ _Female 23. Blonde, petite, green eyes. Went missing from her own home. Door had been kicked in. The police had found Crystal meth in her kitchen. Suspected Ms. Cairngores was a drug addict. Found in the woods. No evidence of sexual assault. Died from asphyxiation, pattern consistent with a large rope._

_**Geneiva Kanes. **__Female, 28. Chubby brunette of average height. Same method as Amy-Ann, except fibers were found. Found behind a dumpster. Evidence of repeated sexual Assault. Died from three stab wounds, one to the chest, two to abdomen. She had two children._

_**Louise Reynolds. **__Tall, pretty brunette. 34. Owned a horse riding stables. Went missing on her way to the stables, car found abandoned at the edge of the road, with several blood pools. Some from the perp. Louise's battered body was found in a field several miles away. Evidence of repeated sexual assault, and wounds consistent with being beaten badly. Cuts and abrasions all over her back, and the tops of her thighs. Grissom found the similarity between her and Sara disturbing, and took Sara off the case._

_**Alyssa Henders. **__Intelligent 17 year old, with a bright future. She had no money in her bank account, she had gone missing on her way home from school. Police suspected run away, as they found no suspicious evidence. They suspected she'd cracked under the pressure of being a pre-Yale student, with a buzzing social life, and an alcoholic mother. Her boyfriend had moved away two months before Alyssa went missing, and he too, was also missing. Alyssa went missing perhaps three months before Jayden came to Sara's home._

_**Daniella Marconi. **__Beautiful Italian girl, who had moved from a small village in Southern Italy, to the U.S. Hoping for a piece of the American modeling industry. Tall, 5"10. Police had found her body, semi-burnt in a dumping site. She had died previously to the burning, gunshot wound to the head. She was dead at least three weeks before she was found. No evidence of sexual assault. She had, however, been ten weeks pregnant. When they spoke to her fiancée, police found he had been out of the country at the time. He was now on a major dose of anti-depressants. Catherine and Nick had spoken to him when he was in a psychiatric home, after attempting suicide from finding out about Daniella._

_**Susanna Dawes.**_ _Tall redhead. 37 years old. Two sons, one 3 year old daughter. Disappeared after dropping her daughter off at nursery. Police never found the car. They never found Susanna. The husband, who was immediately cleared told them "Susie will still be alive. She used to be a psychiatrist. She can get the kidnapper to relate to her. You have to find her. She's so full of life."_

_Police never found Susanna Dawes._

_**Siobhan Meadows. **__Brunette of average height, 5"5. Fiercely intelligent, scarily pretty. Only 25 years old. Went missing some time during the week end, she lived alone. No one could pin point the exact time of her disappearance. She still hadn't been found. Police had stopped looking. There was no evidence at her home, or her car. _

_Sara saw that there was next to nothing linking these women together... They all had different physical attributes. Nothing in common. Nothing linked them to Jayden, except the fact he had told her he was the one who kidnapped them. Sara remembered Louise Reynolds, and shuddered. It was another Debbie Marlin to her. She wondered if her back looked the same as Louise's. She wondered if he had really thought it was her he was hitting, instead of Louise, when she was kidnapped from the riding stables. He had killed Louise. Why? If he wanted a replacement Sara, why had he killed Louise?_

_The cogs clicked and whirred in Sara's mind...she added up the days between the Dawes case, and her going missing...17 days...did he see Sara? Did he_ _realise_ _he could get her, the real her, instead of a replacement, so he killed Louise? She had been out to Louise's car three days before she was found in the field. Maybe he saw Sara, then came back to wherever he had hidden Louise and killed her...the thought was disturbing to the extreme. But Sara couldn't help regurgitating it through her mind..._

_She felt her mind slow down as she dropped off to sleep...he must have drugged the food and water with something that made her sleep...Sara didn't really care, as long as she got to eat and drink...and sleeping meant she didn't have to think about where she was, what was happening..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"Catherine!" Nicks voice shouted to her as she was walking past. "Have a look at this!"

"What?" She hurried into the lab

"All the practicalities point to Andrew Sherpe, yeah? But is then conflicted by the DNA evidence."

"Soooo..." Catherine was puzzled.

"Look at Andrew Sherpe's medical records. He had Leukemia. Then a bone marrow transplant. Which means...?"

"Change of DNA...so the DNA from Nicola won't match the DNA samples we have in the system for him that we had done five, or so, years ago."

"Why was his DNA taken then?"

"Suspect in a race-hate crime. He was cleared though, the real perp confessed"

"God. Sara would get such a kick out of this."

"I know Nicky...I know"

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_She needed to get out. She needed out! Howhowhowhowhowhowhowhow? It ran through Sara's head, a thousand miles a minute. She had woken up maybe four minutes ago, lying on the rotted old camp bed, with a glass of water near her right elbow. She didn't drink any though, she smelt it: a funny metallic scent was rising from it. How could she escape? Sara needed a plan. A plan. Yes, a plan would be good. She heard a scream. Had he killed one of the others? Who? It was coming from above her though. Sara was jealous, it wasn't fair. She had to stay in the basement. He was always spending more time with her than the others..._

_NO SARA, YOU SELFISH BITCH! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!_

_She shook the guilt from her. She was basically longing for another woman to get tortured and abused, just so she didn't have to..._

_It was her fault those other three were being kept...they were replacement Sara's, he had even said so himself..._

_How could she? How could she want him to hurt the others instead of her? Alyssa, only 17, practically a baby. Susanna with three children, who all needed their mom. Siobhan, who spent so much time giving back, working as a pediatrician. Sara could value their lives as well above her own. Yet, she wanted them to be hurt instead of her? It was like when she was back with...Him. Then , she had also wished it could have been someone else. Not all the time, but at least some of the time, having him do to them what he did to her...NO SELFISH BITCH!...having to beg, plead, ask...no don't think about it...think of an escape plan...no. _

_Sara curled up into a ball on the camp bed, and sobbed..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"Andrew Sherpe, I sentence you to a life sentence to be served in Nevada State prison. You have not only committed an evil act upon a young and innocent child, but you have committed a series of offences similar to this. Only a person so evil and..."

Grissom and Catherine left the court room. Catherine had been called on to give evidence, and Grissom just wanted to see the evil bastard go to jail. It was like it brought a small piece of Sara back to him. Once they had entered the new DNA into the system, they had come up with three other cases similar to Nicola's, and had linked Andrew to them. Finally, Nicola, Caidence, Denise and Jane had a bit of justice brought to their unfairly cut-short lives.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_A month. She had been there a month and three days to be exact. She hadn't come up with a plan. He had come up with new tortures though._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_On her third week, she had woken up inside the little hole he put her in. She was so cold. She cried._

"_Do you want out Princess?"_

_Sara wasn't going to give in any time soon, he __realised__...So he taunted her._

"_Aren't you curious princess, as to why nobody has come looking for you yet? They don't care. They're glad that you're gone. You're damaged goods."_

_No. it wasn't true. They would find her. Sara rocked back and forward. _

"_Oh yes princess. I'm all you have. Don't you want to spend time with me?"_

_No. Oh god, she was so cold._

"_I'll go now princess. Be back later."_

"_No! Don't leave me in here alone. Please."_

_Sara scratched at the door. She was so scared, so cold. She just wanted out._

"_When I come back maybe I'll bring pops..."_

"_NO. Please. I'm sorrrrrrrrry"_

_She heard him thunder out the basement._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

The sweetest perfection  
To call my own  
The slightest correction  
Couldn't finely hone  
The sweetest infection  
Of body and mind  
Sweetest injection  
Of any kind

I stop and I stare too much  
Afraid that I care too much  
And I hardly dare to touch  
For fear that the spell may be broken

"The Sweetest Perfection" Depeche Mode

Z**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_Christ, he was bloody glad to get out of that basement. He liked her screaming, and crying. He liked her saying sorry. But he didn't like it when she begged to let her go home, away from him. She irritated him when she did that. It was so bloody pathetic, it wasn't what he wanted her to do. He remembered how, after he'd beaten her almost unconscious, and she'd looked at him, eyes wet and wide like an abused puppy. He remembered what a kick he had gotten out of that, till she said_

"_Please, let me go home...let me see Griss..."_

_He reasoned with himself. He shouldn't kill her. She would realize that 'Griss' didn't care when he didn't come looking. So Jayden didn't kill her._

_God, he just loved her so much. He normally only liked kids, but she was so fucking special. He wished he had been able to get near her when he was younger, but he knew his dad would have thrown him out. He had to be content perving at her, but not doing anything._

_Now he had her. And the old man couldn't interfere. It still bugged Jayden though, that the old man had more of a hold on her, was more frightening for Sara, than he himself was._

_He went into his study. He had rigged up a camera in the 'hole' so he could see when she was really ready to come out. She had to say it at least five times for him to release her. Oh, he just loved watching her. He took the currently fully recorded DVD out, and slid in another. He placed the fully recorded one on the side of the desk, where it then proceeded to fall off, and become wedged in between the wall and the desk..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Five weeks.

"Nothing on Sara, Jack?"

"Sorry Gil. We're doing everything we can. But the department's pretty tied up with the Heidi Anderson case."

"Thanks. Bye"

Gil was numb. She had been gone for five weeks. He had to move on. He knew the next time he would be seeing Sara, would be on a cold slab in the morgue.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_She had been in there for five weeks now. She had been in the 'hole' for three hours. She had a plan._

_She called to him, her voice rising and dipping hysterically. She said what he wanted to hear._

_After all, she had a plan._

"_Princess? Are you feeling more...agreeable?" She said nothing as he opened the door. "Princess?"_

_She brought her knee up, and he collapsed to the floor. She kicked him hard in the head, then ran as quickly as she could to the stairs. Panting and gasping for air, she tugged and tugged at the door. It was locked. She scrabbled at it, trying desperately to open it? Why wouldn't it open. No! She heard his boots come up the stairs behind her._

"_You stupid little bitch." he grabbed her around the waist, then practically threw her down the stairs._

_Sara could taste her freedom ebb away as he dragged her back to the 'hole'_


	11. Chapter 10: If I Could Fall

**Chapter 10- If I Could Fall...**

****

**disclaimers, warnings etc- see chapter 1.**

**Okay before you read, this chapter is my baby... It may have taken longer to write, but I tried! please, please, tell me what you think of it, I have the next chapter written, but if this one sux, I will change the next chapter (maybe!) Thanks to my awesome readers and reviewers, the encouragement keeps me writing. So thanx! lots of hugs, n smooches, sugar couture**

If I could fall**  
**Into the sky  
Do you think time  
Would pass me by  
'Cause you know I'd walk  
A thousand miles  
If I could  
Just see you  
Tonight

It's always times like these  
When I think of you  
And I wonder  
If you ever  
Think of me

'Cause everything's so wrong  
And I don't belong  
Living in your  
Precious memories

'Cause I need you  
And I miss you  
And now I wonder...

"**A Thousand Miles" Vanessa Carlton.**

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_Sara could taste her freedom ebb away as he dragged her back to the 'hole'_

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Gill was called out to yet another DB. A very, very interesting DB. A man dressed in a grass skirt, and a coconut shell bikini-bra top. Found in a supermarket. In the ice-lolly refrigerator. God, what a kick Sara would get out of being here...

Every time Gil was called out to a Crime scene, he thought of her. What her thoughts on the events leading up to the death were, what type of murder it was, how they could get the maximum amount of evidence...

Grissom was running on auto-pilot...He was doing his job, doing the base functions, but he wasn't thinking...He couldn't, he was too numb...

It wasn't just him, Grissom had vaguely noticed. Nick had stopped messing around, and laughing. Warrick spent as little time at the lab as he could, opting to go home exactly on time to be with Tina. It was the same with Catherine, only, she was spending as much time with Lindsay as possible...once she had even brought her into the lab, as she didn't want to leave her daughter with a sitter anymore. Lindsay seemed to have picked up on the tense atmosphere, and didn't ask where Sara was, even though it was obvious she wanted to. Greg, well, Greg was acting similarly to Grissom, except Greg was throwing in hours of overtime, spending many extra hours a night looking at Sara's case files when he had a moment free, and Grissom had seen him taking the notes home with him. However, he didn't stop Greg, didn't wan't to tell him his efforts were pointless. Greg's hope was so naive but he was the only member of the team who had any...

Brass stalked up to him. "Gil. We already have a confession...manager said she backed over him on her way out the parking lot. BS is what I'm thinking. There's no blood in the parking lot."

Gil answered, but he didn't hear what his own voice was saying...

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_She had been gone for so long now. Why hadn't they found her? There wasn't enough evidence. She had been in the hole for at least two days. That meant she had been missing for six weeks. Six weeks. The CSI's wouldn't be on the case anymore. It would be a missing persons case. She would be down there forever._

_She heard his footseps bang around on the floor above her. He came down evry two or three hours, to torment her, to...to..._

_At first, Sara had screamed and screamed. Then he came down, did it, then just put her back in the cupboard. She had been hit with that leather snap, burnt along the bottom of her feet with matches, and numerous other things. He was till furious. Sara had stopped crying several hours ago. She was curled into the corner, praying for him not to come back..._

_God wasn't on her side. She heard the basement door bang open, and him taking a step into the dark damp outside her cupboards door. Sara froze. She could hear other noises._

"_Don't." the sound of a hand smashing a cheekbone brought whimpering, and Sara fel queasy. She knew what was happening out there._

"_get down the goddamn stairs." she heard thumping. He must have pushed whoever it was down the stairs._

_The whimpering continued, and Sara heard his footsteps come towards her._

"_Princess, can you guess who I have here?"_

_Sara shook her head, even though she knew he couldn't see her._

"_why, it's Susie Q! Say hello!"_

"_please...I have kids...don't..."_

_Sara heard the next noise. A click. When you worked in CSI, you were familiar with the sounds that guns made._

"_NO! PLEASE...My kids, my husband...don't, please. I won't tell anyone if you let me go..."_

"_Susie, didn't you used to be a shrink? Didn't you learn how minds work? You should have known that I wasn't ever going to let you go...well, maybe I would have..."_

_He spoke directly into the piece of wall Sara was currently enclosed by. "If the BITCH in there hadn't ruined everything, Susie, I would have let you go back to your babies. What, two sons and a daughter? I'll have Sara write them a 'sorry for your loss' card. After all it is her fault you're going to die."_

"_please..."_

"_See princess? See what you've done? You've ruined another family. You're real one, you're foster one, and now poor Susie's kids aren't going to have a mommy." _

_The gun fired._

_Sara's heart broke. This was her fault. She shouldn't have tried to escape._

"_Awwww, princess, are you blubbing for Susie? Don't worry" his voice was a sick parody of condolence. "She's gone to a better place now."_

_Sara was silent. _

"_Not talking? Good. Well, I'm going to get Siobhan, then I'll come and see you...Don't be jealous, you're still my priority. I just need to sort out a pressing matter."_

_Twenty minutes later, Sara heard the gun go off again, but Siobhan had made no noise as he brought her down to the basement. She was obviously unconcious. Sara heard him unlock the door to the hole. Then he stepped inside..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Six weeks and four days. She had been gone six weeks and four days. Her replacement, Sinnita, was nice enouh, but when she had tried to badger Ecklie into clearing Sara's locker for her, Grissom had wanted to kill her. That was Sara's. All Sara's things were to be left alone...

Sandra Van Der Woodesn, or to be correct, Sandra Thomms, had been humungously helpful to sara's case. She had witnessed 'Princess's' sufferings as a child, and wanted to do all she could now to try and make things easier. She sorted out Sara's apartment, went over there once a week to check on it, and make sure that the bills were paid from Sara's account. She had spoken to Grissom a couple of times, tried to harrass Missing Persons into taking more action, and had met up with Greg countless times to talk to him, after meeting him at the lab. She had a degree in counselling and phsychology, so she basically helped Greg keep his head on his shoulders. She had also spoken with catherine and warrick a couple of times, but they were mainly coping by avoidance, so she couldn't help much...

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_It had been seven weeks now, he had informed her an hour ago, as he bolted chains to the wall in the hole, and blindfolded her. Seven weeks. He had killed Alyssa, earlier, most likely by stabbing, Sara figured, as she had heard no gunshot, and Alyssa's pained breathing had gone on for sveral minutes before she died. It was curious, sara thought, how she was managing to detach herself from the situation. It was like she was somewhere else, bodiless, and weightless, and she was looking down on her beaten and broken self, chained to a wall in some god-forsaken neighbourhood, in a fucking cupboard. Somewhere else..._

_She heard him coming back. She tried to huddle into herself, get away from him._

_The door swung open._

"_hey princess. Well, I'm going away for a while. Guess Why?"_

_Sara whimpered._

"_yeah, I'm going to get pops. He'll be ever so happy to see you, miss sidle. He talks about you all the time. He's out of prison now. He's not going to be happy with you, since you turned him in to the cops. I expect he's got some sort of punishment lined up..."_

"_No please...not Him...please...I'm sorry, I didn't tell, I swear I never told...don't...no, don't..."_

_He grabbed her ankles, and pulled her towards him. "C'mon princess. Just something to sustain me while I'm away..."_

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Seven weeks, two days. Nothing.

Sara was gone. He had lost her.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_Seven weeks, three days. She had spent the last three days tormenting herself about thoughts of Him, coming back. Every creak made her cry out. She couldn't cry anymore. She was so dehydrated. And hungry. She was trying to make the relatively large bowl of water, and the pieces of bread he had left her, last as long as possible. Six swallows of water a day. Five small bites. She'd rather die than let Him near her again..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_For_ _chrissakes, of all the times his mother could have been in hospital, this was it. Princess was back at the house, and he would have to be without her for at least a week. He knew she could survive on the food he had given her...it was just enough and no more...as long as she paced herself...He sat back in his plane seats, munching on a packet of peanuts and a bar of chocolate..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Seven weeks, four days. Sandra had suggested getting in contact with her mother...

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_Seven weeks, five days...the water was running out. Sara knew he was coming for her...The small dark space didn't bother her as much any more, she would prefer that to Him..._

_Sara could smell the familiar stench of rotting bodies, of decomposing flesh. She knew it was the women who had died because of her. She could smell their death..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Seven weeks, six days. It was Grissom's day off. He collapsed exhausted on his couch, and immeadiately fell asleep, strange dreams of butterflies and dragons rolling around in his head.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_Eight weeks. She could hear a banging noise upstairs, followed by the smash of glass. Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod. It was Him. He was there for her. Shaking with fear, Sara whimpered quietly, then huddled even further into herself..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

**Mrs Ediey was used to weird noises coming from the house across the street. Shouting, screaming, god knows what. She reckoned either a bad marriage, or some idiot who kept the tv on too loud. She knew better than to poke her nose in though. However, when she saw a teenage delinquent throw a brick through the window, then climb in, she knew she had to do something to protect her neighbours...She phoned Las Vegas Police.**

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Aidan Stuart, and Nathan Kairnlie were used to B&E's. So when they were called to one of Las Vegas's worst neighbourhoods, they weren't surprised.

Getting to the scene, they found an idiot fifteen year old going through the kitchen cupboards, making a hell of a lot of noise. Aidan cuffed him and took him out to the car, while Nathan looked around the kitchen and the rest of the house, viewing the damage that had been done. Then he froze. He had just heard chains clinking together he was sure of it. Then he heard an inhuman sort of wimper.

"Oi, Stuart." his colleague came back into the house. "I reckon there's an abandoned dog in the basement."

They clattered down the worn steps into the basement. The stench of rotten flesh invaded their nostrils. Aidan switched on his flashlight, and gagged, running for the top of the stairs. Nathan, the older cop, surveyed the scene sadly. He had been to too many crime scene's like this. It still hurt him to think the atrocities humans could carry out on each other.

He stepped out to find Aidan calling for back-up, and CSI's.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_no! she could hear them. Nonononononononononononononono. Sara hyperventilated. NO! NO...oh god. She could smell the women outside her hole, she could hear Alyssa and susanna's screams in her head, she could feel Him getting closer...and closer...and closer..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"gil?" Catherines voice echoed through his ear. " break and entry." she rattled off the address before he had spoken one word.

"wha-huh?"

"Gil, please, just get here as soon as you can."

He couldn't believe Catherine had spoken to him like that. Ever since sara's disappearance, she had been prickly, but this was a bit much...he was her supervisor after all...

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_Closer...Closer...Closer. He was going to get her. _

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

It was half two in the morning, and the rain was pelting down on Catherine Willows' umbrella. Waiting at the Crime Scene for Grissom to arrive, she sighed irritably, tapping her foot. Where the hell was he?

"Cath?"

She whirled around as she saw the so-named 'bug-man' push his way past two of the police officers br

"Why the hell have we both been called to a B&E?"

Catherine suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. Ever since CSI Sara Sidle had gone missing, Grissom had been in a foul mood.

"The cops were called by a neighbour, who heard someone breaking in...they found...him..." she pointed to a teenage boy standing by the doorstep, currently getting soaked by the rain, he was seeing if there were any valuables he could sell for drug money...good luck with that in this neighbourhood is all I can say."She looked around in disgust at the squalid houses.

"Why do we have to be here? You should have sent Greg." Grissom snapped. he had one frayed nerve left, and Catherine was wearing through it very quickly.

"well, they heard a noise in the, um, basement, and went down...they thought that they should call us...three bodies...they're in dcomp, and from what they could tell, all three are female."

"How could they hear a noise if the bodies are dead?" Grissom was nit-picking, and not focusing on the topic at hand, the topic of three murdered bodies.

"Shall we do our jobs? Or shall we ask inane questions all day?" Catherine beckoned to Nick and Greg, who were currently standing off to one side, not wanting to get involved.

"Fine, go ahead, I'm not stopping you" Grissom followed the cop who was leading the way through the house, down to the basement.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"I hate decomps"

Greg pulled a face at the stench in the air. The three bodies that were on the ground, smelt rancid, and the cop who led them to the basement was now outside, retching for all he was worth.

"Stop making such a fuss Greggy boy" Nick smirked at him.

Grissom agreed with Nick silently. How could Greg expect to move up another CSI level if all he did was make a fuss? Sure, he knew that Greg missed Sara, which was why he was acting up so badly, but he should be bottling his emotions, not expressing them in other forms! If Grissom and Nick weren't on the floor crying, then Greg shouldn't be complaining! He and Nick had known Sara longest!

"Griss...no bugs..." Catherine looked at him. "It must be fairly secure down here, no cracks or holes anywhere."

"Any larvae or flies of any sort found on the bodies, bag them" Grissom ignored her

"Uhm...Grissom?"

Grissom ignored Greg, he wasn't in the mood for dealing with him.

"Grissom...I hear breathing.."

Grissom snapped "Funnily enough Greg, that is what we living humans must do to stay in our current state"

"No...Grissom...in the wall..."

"Boy watches to many horror movies," Grissom heard Catherine mutter

"Grissom, I'm not kidding, there's breathing...mabye its a hollow wall"

SHIT SHIT SHIT! the words fired off in Grissoms head. "has this scene been secured?" he asked Catherine, "have the cops checked to see if the perp is still here?"

Catherine bit her lip, then drew her gun from her holster. Nick and Grissom did likewise. Greg looked like he was about to wet himself.

"Is there some sort of opening, or crack in that wall? Grissom asked Nick, who had started running his hands down the side of the old-fashioned wallpaper

"Got one...its a latch"

Nick slid the latch off, however, the door stayed firmly shut.

"Count of three, nick, open it" Grissom quietly grwoled, "Damn rookie cops"

"One, Two, THREE" The CSIs pointed their guns at the previously concealed door, which now swung open with an ominous creak.

Nothing.

"It's just a cupboard." Nick said in relief, glad to not have to deal with someone who had recently murdered three people and left them to rot.

"N-n-n-ick..." Greg pointed to the far corner of the cupboard, which was now illuminated by his flash light.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Grissom and Catherine simultaneously swore at the sight of the girl huddled in the corner, trying to somehow get away from the glare of Gregs' flash light.

Greg handed his flash light to Nick, then bounded up the stairs to phone the ambulance on his cell. Grissom started to step forward, but was stopped by Catherines' arm in font of him. "Let me?"

Grissom nodded, realising how that this girl wouldn't want a man near her in her current state. Her hair a mass of dirty tangles, white bra and underwear smeared with splotches of blood, dirt, and god knew what else. Catherine took a step into the cupboard, closer to the girl.

"I'm here to help you" she began in a calming sort of voice, trying to keep the girl calm

At the sound of a voice so close to her, the unidentified girl huddled closer into her self, and started rocking

"no, no, no, I didn't, please, I won't...don't...please...nonononononononoNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Catherine turned to look at Grissom, scared, and completely unsure of what to do. They had never had an alive victim before. But she didn't see what she was expecting to see. Grissom was staring at the girl on the floor, mouth open, eyes wide. Catherine wheeled around.

There on the floor, chained to a wall, and blind-folded, was not the skinny teenage girl she thought it had been.

It was Sara.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_She heard the muttered voices. Then scrabbling. Then the door swung open. It was him. A light shone at her. She tried to huddle away from it even more. There were no shadows to hide in. He said something to her. She didn't, please don't, ohgodohgod, please no more, she wouldn't do it no leave me alone no, oh god, nonononono... the light was permeating the piece of cloth over her eyes. No, get away. Don't touch me. I never told. I swear. Please..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

It was Sara. Sara. Grissoms head couldn't process the fact. It was Sara. In front of him. Beaten, hurt, terrified. But it was Sara.

Nick vomited outside the tiny hole that she was currently chained up in. At the sound of this, Sara began whimpering and pleading.

"please. I never told. I promise. Don't...I can't...I'm sorry...pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease." she rocked back and forward, continuing her desperate pleas. "I won't tell...I won't tell...please...let me go...I won't say anything...please..."

Grissom and Catherine didn't know what to do. They heard Greg's voice say "in there, the basement...be careful...bodies...don't know who she is...no." then Nicks voice say something, and Greg's cry of "what the fuck?"

The EMT's came down the stairs quickly, each wrinkling their nose at the scent of death. They made their way over to Grissom and Catherine, who were currently frozen in shock.

"Sir, Sir." a handsome young man was tlaking to him, Grissom realized. "What exactly has happened?"

"You...she...Sara's been hurt." Grissom pointed at her. She was still bound in the corner, crying, terrified. It made him sick to think of someone doing ths to his Sara.

"okay. Sir, have either you, or the lady," he gestured to Catherine "been near her?"

"please...help her." Grissom couldn't say anything else.

The EMT approached Sara. "Sara? Sweetheart, you're safe now."

She didn't say anything just continued to rock.

The EMT reachyed behind her head to undo the blindfold. Sara screamed, and began to kick out, and try to wriggle away, even though the chains around her arms prevented her from moving much.

"Jesus Christ." he rubbed his leg where she'd kicked him. "I need a sedative over here. Hurry up!"

Someone handed him a syringe. Grissom looked away, and catherine ran away, up the stairs. He heard Sara's cries subsuide, and the EMT remove the blindfold. "What the hell happened here?"

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"_Sweetheart, you're safe now." Oh god. It was Him. It really was. She heard him. She couldn't do anything. _

_He touched her. She could feel Him touch the back of her head. Ohgodohgod. No. She'd rather die. Rather die than do it again. Rather, rather die. She tried to protect herself. She kicked out at him, trying to get Him to leave her alone, not touch her. NO! She was whimpering, and her teeth were chattering. She felt him grab her upper thigh, and stick something in it. A knife? No, a needle. She screamed, and started crying. Everything was getting slurry. Blurry. Slurry. She felt him undo the blindfold, and someone say "what the hell happened?" then she heard nothing. _

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Grissoms eyes were dry as he watched them wrap her up, and carry her out the basement. Why the fuck couldn't he cry? What the fuck?

"Sir? Sir, I think we need to get you to the hospital." a female EMT was pulling on his arm leading him up the stairs. "You may be suffering from shock. She was your daughter?"

"what? NO, no, Sara works with me"

"I'm sorry? How old is she exactly?" the EMT would have put her in late teens, due to the emaciated appearance.

"uh- 27, 28."

"okay. If you could just move into the-"

"No. I'm going with her, in the ambulance."

"sir, I'm sorry, but we-"

"NO. I. AM. GOING. WITH. HER."

Catherine tugged on his arm. "Gil, we'll drive up. C'mon. Nicky, and Greg are going in the hummer. I think it would be best. Warrick'll meet us up there, after he's done at his scene."

Grissom gave in, and went with Cath. The ride up to Desert Palms was silent.


	12. Chapter 11: Hey Baby, Can You Bleed?

**Chapter 11: Hey Babay, Can You Bleed Like Me?**

****

**Disclaimers- chapter one**

**Warning- K, this chapter has more than a hint of self-mutilation in it. Sorry if u don't like it, but I think it's important to get the issue out, and also important to the story. So please, please don't read if u ca\n't deal with this issue. Also lots of other angsty stuff. the full warning is on chapter one...**

**A/N: Phew, sorry for all this pre-chapter text...This chapter is really, really sad (well for me) I was cryiong when I wrote it...just wanted to say that even though Sara has been rescued, it doesn't all go smoothly n angst free...I'm sick of reading stories where rape victims recover in like five seconds...thats not what happens for the majority of rape survivors. Just wanted to say...so yeah, no happy ending just yet! Also want to say thank you to all of my reviewers n readers. thank you guys for the response to the last chapter, i hope y'all like this one just as much...Sugar couture, xoxoxoxo**

_...a needle. She screamed, and started crying. Everything was getting slurry. Blurry. Slurry. She felt him undo the blindfold, and someone say "what the hell happened?" then she heard nothing. _

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

_Where was she? She cracked open an eyelid. The light was bright. She quickly shut it. Ohgod. He had her, didn't he? It was all over. Someone shut a door. She heard murmuring outside wherever she was. Cool hands slipped something around her arm. "We need a kids cuff. She's emaciated."_

_  
Sara was so scared. Kids? Cuff? What was He doing? Was Annie there? Who was the woman? She felt someone wrap something around her arm again, and then beeping. "that's too low. Hypotension."_

_Sara groaned. "Miss Sidle? Can you hear me?" She was scared. She whimpered, and began to toss and thrash. "Ms Sidle? Sara? Sara?"_

_No. please no. She began to mumble out these words through incredibly chapped lips. She felt someone hold her down. A sharp jab in her waist. Nothing_

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Another nurse ran into Sara's room, following the one who had gone in minutes ago. They heard sara's whimpers, and repeated mumbling of "no.please.no." they heard one of the nurses calling her name frantically, and Sara groan out "Annie?" Then the nurse stepped out. "Are you here with Ms. Sidle?"

"Yes." Greg jumped to his feet. "can we see her?"

"No, I'm afraid not. Sara is under sedation for now, until she can wake up properly. We want to cause as little stress to her as possible. Is there a Sandra Van Der Woodsen here? I have her as first choice of next of kin."

"No. Who else is under next of kin?" Catherines voice was low, quiet.

"A... Gilbert Grissom."

"I'm Gil Grissom." He wanted to speak to the doctor about what medication Sara was under, when they'd be able to talk to her.

"Mr Grissom, if you'd step this way please. Dr Glyyn would like to speak to you about Sara's condition."

"he fell into step with the nurse, as they walked down the polished hall. Greg, Nick and Catherine fell into their seats, and prayed for news on Sara.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"Mr Grissom? I'm Ernie Glyyn, Ms. Sidle's doctor."

"What can I do to help?" Gil was dying to help Sara out of there as soon as possible.

"Funny, I thought that was my line." the younger man chuckled, and gil felt himself warming to the doctor immeadiately.

"As you know, Sara has obviously suffered through a terrible ordeal. Right now, she has a severly low blood pressure, multiple fractures and bruising, and several deep cuts. She is also suffering dehydration, malnutrition, and mild hypothermia. We're also very, uh, concerened about any internal bleeding she may have-"

"Internal bleeding?"

"Mr Grissom, I know that Sara was forcibly abducted. I'm not going to shit around here, dealing with the obvious, is it a fair assumption that we need to do a rape kit?"

"oh god-uh-yes-I suppose so."

"Well, therefore, I may be correct in assuming that she may hav internal bleeding from her- situation." He tried to express this delicately.

"What do you do? What do we do?"

"I'm going to order for a MRI, and she may need to go ino surgery. I also need to wait until she's awake however, until we can do the rape kit."

"how long is she going to be under sedation for?"

"only the next twenty four hours. Hopefully we'll have her MRI done while she's unconcious, as it'll be easier, and we'll have the dehydration under control too."

"After that?"

"After that, Mr Grissom, We'll see how it goes. I know Dr Maddison wants to speak to her but-"

"Dr Maddison?"

"She's a phsychiatrist. Very good one. Sara will most likely need help, mentally I mean. After what she has gone though I-"

Grissom snorted. "You'll have to deal with Sara when It comes to the shrink, Dr Glyyn. I'm too scared of Sara's tempers to do it myself."

The doctor smiled. "Please. Call me Ernie. Dr Glyyn is my dad."

Gil smiled, then asked "will we be able to in and sit with her? Until she wakes?"

"Sure. They've done studies, you know. About how people surrounded by loved ones get better faster."

"Thank you."

"but when she wakes up, only two in at a time!"

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"What did he say?" Greg was out of his seat the moment he saw Grissom.

"Hypotension, malnourished, dehydrated, hypothermic. They're going to do an MRI, then we can sit with her till she wakes." he sank into the chair, exhausted.

"why an MRI?" Catherine was confused.

"Internal bleeding."

Catherines face changed from confusion to sadness in the blink of an eye. "oh."

"when will she wake up?" Nick had been silent till now.

"twenty four hours. When she wakes up though, only two in at one time."

They saw Sara beeing unconciously wheeled towards MRI from her room. The wheels under her bed were squeaking, but she had a smile on her sleeping face...

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"_Hey babe."_

_Grissom came up behind her and squeezed her shoulders lightly. _

"_Hey Griss. Why are you here?"_

"_to keep you safe, butterfly. You're safe now."_

"_Griss? I love you."_

"_I love you too."_

_They sat down on the sand together. "You know, this is my favourite place ever." she told him_

"_Where are we?"_

"_Carmel by the sea. My mom and Dad used to bring me and Edd here when we were little."_

"_mmmmmhmm?" he gently prodded her into saying more._

"_When I was sixteen, I ran away for a couple of months. I came here. It's my refuge. The main beach isn't, but i love this little beach. Only the locals know it, none of the tourists do. So it's always wonderfully secluded. I got a room at Bertha's B&B, and waited tables for a bit. It was the summer that I got accepted to Harvard. It was the only place I could escape Him."_

"_Shhhhh baby, don't think about that now."_

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"She looks so...I dunno...young..." Gregs voice shook up Griss, Cath and Nicky. "I think it's cos she's not scrunching up her face. At the lab, she's always doing that..."

Grissoms worries jerked him from his silent observation of "non-scrunched-up" Sara. "Who's processing with the lab?"

"Relax Griss, Warrick said he'd help the day shift with the DB's at that...house, and they'de pull a double. Sinnita's helping him."

"I don't think that we all need to be here. Greg, go. Catherine, go."

Seeing their mouths open in protestation, Nick said "we'll call you when she wakes up."

"You go too Nick."

"Wha-"

"You've all been working for hours. I had yesterday off, and spent it sleeping. Go home. Rest. I'll call when she wakes up."

They trooped out, and Grissom called after them "Tell Warrick and Sinnita to rest too!"

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Sara cracked her eyes open, and looked around. Where was she? She felt a heavy weight on her hand, and across her stomach. She looked down at the man draped across her.

"Gil? Gil! Oh no." she started hyperventilating.

Grissom heard wheezing noises above him. He shot up, and found Sara breathing erratically, tears running down her face. "Sara?"

"He got you too! He said he would! It's my fault, I'm so sorry."

"No Sara, sweetie, you're at the hospital. Look."

She cracked open an eyelid and peered around. Grissom would have laughed, if it hadn't been so tragic.

"I'm alive? He's not here? You're alive?"

"Yes."

"I'm safe?"

"Yes."

She was silent. Then she turned over on her side, away from gil.

"Sara?"

"They're dead. Alyssa, Siobhan and Susanna. They're dead. I heard him. He killed them. He killed Amy-ann, Geneiva, Louise and Daniella too. Because of me. He said they were tempoaries till he got me. I killed them." Her voice was flat, broken. Gil felt a shudder down his spine. "No Sar, no..."

"I just wanted to get out. But he killed them. So he could spend more time with me. It's my fault." her voice shook. Gil didn't know what to do. He reached his hand out towards her, but she flinched backwards, staring at him, with huge eyes above disturbingly protruding cheekbones.

"Sar..."

"I'm sorry. I tried to stop him. But he just shot them. He stabbed Alyssa. I heard her breathing. I tried to talk to her. Make her hold on. But she didn't. She was only a baby, Gil. Only 17. Why?"

Grissom wished he could answer her. He had seen so many atrocities that his mind separated them from his emotions, but he would never understand how people could be so cruel.

Sara turned away from him, and put her head down on the pillow. Her sobs mutated into heavy breathing, and grissom realised she was asleep. Then he took her hand, and stroking the back of it, cried.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"urgh." Catherine stepped over the rotted bodies. Even though Grissom told them to go rest, they couldn't help but feel a sense of duty to help the women who had been brutally murdered in this house. They were all guiltily thinking the same thing: At least it wasn't Sara.

"How long do you reckon?" Nick asked her, snapping photos.

"At least three weeks, the ones on the left. The one on the right, I'd put at one week to ten days."

"Who's processing-that?" Greg pointed at the tiny cupboard.

They all looked at each other. "I'll do it" Catherine just wanted to get the hell out of there.

"Fine. Greg, do you want to go and help Warrick upstairs? Sinnita and I can finish this off." Nick nodded to Greg, and the pretty asian girl to his side nodded.

"Cool." Greg bounded up the stairs as fast as he could. He hated being down in that basement. As melodromatic as it was, he swore he could feel evil pulsing in the air.

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"shit." exclaimed Catherine. "how the hell did Sara survive in this shithole?" She shone her flashlight around the tiny room. The walls had furry mould at the top of them, and the air was damp. It was cold too, and catherine felt sick when she looked at the chains bolted to the wall. She photographed them, photographed everything.

She noticed damp spots on the floor, and stained patches. Swabbing them, she found semen, and human blood. "why am I not surprised?"

She couldn't even stand up straight. Glancing into the corners to see if she could spot a light, or a light switch, she noticed wires.

Wires attached to the wall.

Attached to the wires, a camera.

"Fuck." she breathed. "Holy fucking shit. NICK!"

Nick stepped into the doorway. "whats up?"

"We got a camera"

"huh? I dont-"

"Nicky WE HAVE A CAMERA. Therefore, there must be viewing equipment in this house. Find it, bag it, put it in my car. I don't want any other hands finding it, do you understand what i'm saying?"

Nick understood, and left the basement to find the video equipment.

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Greg found the study, the only room in the house with a tv. There was a shitload of other equipment there too, so Nick just bagged'n'tagged the lot. He noticed a something shining down the side of the desk. He pulled it out gently. A Dvd. Labelled 'Princess. Week five." He shrugged, then put it into another bag. The lab would check it out.

"Greg?"

Nick stood in the doorway. "is that the video equipment?"

"uh, yeah, think so."

"Help me lift it out to Cath's car."

Greg obliged with the unusual request, lifting the evidence bags, some heavier than others.

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"What can I get you for lunch?" the matronly nurse asked her, bustling around and fussing with her blankets.

"Nothing. Your vegetarian options suck." Sara muttered under her breath snidely. A raised eyebrow and a smirk from grissom showed he had heard her, and Sara blushed.

"_that's the first time in three days she's spoken like that," he thought to himself. "maybe Sara's coming back after all..."_

"I'm sure Ms. Sidle will be quite content with the food that is brought in for her." he said out loud "several friends will be dropping by later."

the nurse fixed him with a baleful frown. "No more than two people at a time! And outside food isn't supposed to be brought in here." she eyed Sara's gaunt frame "but I'll let it pass, just this once." she continued on to take Sara's blood pressure, and temperature, then left the room.

"how are you feeling?" he softly asked her.

"I'm fine. Please Griss, I need out of here."

"Sara, you are not getting out of here till the end of next week."

"But I-"

A knock on the door interrupted Sara, and she called out for the knocker to come in, figuring it was one of her colleagues.

A petite redhead stepped in. "Hey."

Sara was puzzled. Who was this woman exactly? "uhm-hi?"

Grissom caught her confusion, and nodded for the woman to come further into the room.

"how are you doing?"

"uh...fine. I'm sorry to have to ask, but who are you?"

"It's me! Sandra!"

"oh my god! Sands?"

"how are you?"

"uh-good. Wow...you look so...different."

"good to see you still have the gift of gab! You're still stunning Sara! How are you doing it?!"

For the first time in the months since her disappearance, Grissom heard sara laugh. No her usual joy-filled laugh, but it was a laugh.

"Oh you know...the old mustard and vanilla face packs." Sandra smiled at the inside joke. "Your hair's still red."

"I know. I couldn't bring myself to dye it."

"Good. It always annoyed me when you said you would."

Grissom sat unobtrusively in a chair, smirking behind his book at the sight of Sara so alive again.

"So...what happened? Where did you go?"

Sandra frowned a little, then her face relaxed. "I was at so many different foster homes after...afterwards."

"I met Elizabeth after I left. She said you tried to...?" Sara left the question hanging in the air.

"Yeah. I was in psych for a while. But it benefitted me in the long run. Got me interested in psychology and counselling."

"cool." Sara smiled at her friend.

Sandra brought her gaze down to Sara's arms, which weren't covered by the hospital gown. "oh, Sar..."

"I know...I hate them...I didn't think, you know, at the time..."

Sandra ran her finger over a particularly bad scar on the inside of sara's pallid arms. "Princess, if I could have helped-you know I would, right?"

Sara stared at her with huge, dark, whirlpool eyes. "What did you say?"

"Princess, if-"

"NO! DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Sara backed away from her redheaded friend, eyes widened in fear. Grissom sprang out of his chair, hearing the fear in Sara's voce, and quickly moved to her side, not think about how the movement would scare the shit out of her...

"Get away from me!" she hissed at him

he reached towards her, and she sprang out of her bed, and ran to the bathroom as quickly as if she had the hounds of heel on her heels.

He looked at Sandra with wide eyes, not understanding a modicum of what had just happened. "What the hell..."

The question hung suspended in the air.

"I think...I think it's best if you talk to her...I have to go pick Joey up from daycare anyway."

"But, I don't-"

"She'll talk more to you than me, Gil. Phone me when you think she's up to seeing me...I can bring Joey to meet her...maybe when she gets home." Sandra didn't wait for a response, and Gil watched her figure retreat from the room. What did he do now?

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"Then she takes the scissors to her skin...

and when she does relief comes setting in.

While she hides the scars she's making

underneath her pretty clothes-she sings

'Hey baby, can you bleed like me?'

Now come on baby, can you bleed like me?

You should see my scars, you should see my scars.

While you try to comprehend that,

which you'll never comprehend."

"bleed like me" by Garbage **(A/N:Fucking awesome song, specially if ure a cutter, and u feel really depressed.)**

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He walked over to the bathroom door, and knocked. "Sara, honey?"

No response.

"Sara? Say something."

She didn't.

"I'm going to come in Sar."

He pushed open the door, and spotted her skinny frame inside the bathtub. Not taking a bath, but hunched over, with her jutting spine poking towards him. He could hear her irruglar breathing, sometimes mingling with a shallow sob.

"Honey? Are you okay?" Tentatively he touched her shoulder and felt her stiffen. "Its me. It's Grissom." Still, she didn't relax. What could he do?

He knew what. Christ, the only person he'd do this for was Sara. He climbed over the edge of the tub, and sat with his back digging into the handrail, in the same poistion as Sara. "please. Sara."

He looked at her face. Her skin wasn't just pale: it was startlingly white. He could see the dark shadows under her eyes, the cut on her left jawline, the bruises all around her neck. Her lower lip was trembling, her eyes were shut. Gil could feel her shaking next to him.

"You better not tell anyone I made an ass of myself, clambering into a tub." he tried to make her say something, maybe even crack a smile. "I'm far too old for sitting in uncomfortable positions."

"You're not that old"

"Not _that_ old? Meaning I'm still 'old'? Thank you Sara honey."

She smiled faintly, and shifted slightly. Something caught Grissoms eye. Blood was trailing down her shin.

"Sara? Sara! What did you do to your leg?"

She looked at him, her eyes were filled with something he couldn't quite place.

"I didn't mean to. I di-I had- I just thought-" she stuttered through the words.

Grissom kneeled next to her, and slowly pushed the hospital-issued nightgown up, to just past her knee, looking at her face the entire time, making sure she wouldn't freak out.

Four huge gashes ran adjacent to her knee cap, on the inside of her leg.

"Honey, Sara, you need to get out of the tub. Please."

"It just- it hurts like you don't know-why did he ruin that for me too? Why?"

Grissom asked her slowly, while physically cajoling her to her feet. "What did he ruin?"

"My real father used to call me that- he said it meant 'princess' in hebrew. He ruined the one good memory of my dad. I hate him."

She was now standing on her feet, shivering, standing in the middle of the bathtub. "I hate him."

"I know you do. Honey, I need you to get out the tub." Grissom stood in front of her. She looked so fragile. He was getting worried: the blood was pooling at her feet. She would need stitches. "Sara, can you climb out for me?"

She stood there, staring at him like he had just revealed the meaning of life.

Grissom was starting to panic. If she stood there, just allowing the blood to flow out her leg, she'd collapse. He picked up a towel off the rack, and held it against the side of her knee. Damn, he wished he'd done that several minutes ago. Sara didn't say or do, anything. She just stood there.

"Sara? I'm going to lift you up. I'm going to put my arm under your legs then-"

He talked to her as he proceeded to lift her up, and carry her through to the adjoining room. He felt her sag against him, and looked down to see that she had passed out. He sat on the bed with her on his knee, and pressed the panic button for the nurse, all the while clutching the towel to her leg...


	13. Chapter 12: My Brown Eyed Girl

**Chapter 12: My Brown Eyed Girl...**

**Warnings & Disclaimers- see chapter one**

It had been three days since the 'bathtub incident' as Grissom remembered it. Sara had been saying she was 'fine', and had even agreed to see Nick, Cath, Warrick and Greg for a bit, even though their visits never lasted longer than fifteen minutes, as Sara had a tendency to fall asleep quickly, soundly and suddenly.

Her doctor hadn't realised that she had been given sleeping drugs by Jayden Bounton, and so by giving her a rather strong sedative in addition to that, made the finished result a combination of sleeping drugs that were enough to 'knock out a small horse.' and had sent her in to a sleep-filled dreamland. Although, she didn't have dreams...her unconscious thoughts presented themselves in the form of nightmares...

Grissom was worried for Sara. After the stitches were put in her leg, and she had woken up, she wouldn't say anything about Bounton, or talk about what had happened to her when she was abducted. She wanted out of the hospital, she wanted to go back to work. She talked about old cases non-stop when she was awake, and the only proper emotion she had shown, was when Grissom told her that Nicola Sherpe's father had gone to jail, then been put on death row for the various atrocities that he had committed. Sara had smiled and said. "I knew it was that bastard. I knew it. How did you get him?" but as Grissom had told her the case details, she had fallen asleep.

Currently, Sara was seeing the hospitals resident psychiatrist. She had protested and protested, but with both Gil and Dr Glyyn against her, with the occasional input from Nicky who was there at the time, she had dressed in her jeans, snorting at Dr Glyyns suggestion that she just put on a robe ("Do you think I want to walk around this place semi-naked?") and gone up to floor three. Of course, they made her go in a wheelchair, to add to the indignity, and when the nurse had pushed her away, she had been spitting sparks at the three men, mad as hell.

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"Zara, do you think that putting up these," here the shrink made air quotation marks "emotional walls will help you in the long run?"

Sara wanted to hit him. This stupid, dokter-freud-esque idiot had been asking her stupid questions like this for the past 45 minutes. And calling her Zara, even though she'd repeatedly told him her name was Sara.

She didn't answer him.

"Do you agree with the statement that you are 'emotionally withdrawn?'" yet again with the air quotes. "Zara?"

"It's SARA. S-A-R-A. Sa-Ra."

"Does it bother you when people mispronounce your name?"

"YES"

He made a note in his pad of paper.

"Sah-rah," he enunciated the two syllables, probably scared of setting her off again, Sara mentally snorted. "Do you agree with the statement that you are 'emotionally withdrawn?'"

"No."

"All evidence points to the contrary. You're unmarried, no long term attachments-from what you told me, no family, no life outside your work."

"My life is my work. I didn't think I was here to talk about my work."

"We are trying to get an overall view of your life, Sah-rah. Then we can begin the healing process."

"Right. Okay. Buh-bye." She stood up. No fucking way. No fucking way was she going to sit there for an hour and a half talking to this jackass.

"Zara, please. Sit down."

"IT'S FUCKING SARA! NOT ZARA! YOU STUPID FUCK!"

She stormed out of the office, and ran for the stairwell. Fuck him, fuck them all. Argh! Big deal, unmarried at 28! She wasn't that old! No long-term-attachments, well, who could fucking blame it on her? She only worked the mammoth hours she did so she wouldn't have to be alone, and then end up dwelling on all these thoughts that she couldn't bear. She helped people when she was working too, the longer she spent at work, the less killers went free. So if her work was her life, wasn't that a good thing?

She bent her head into her knees. She didn't cry, but she had a lump in her throat that wouldn't go away, no matter how many times she swallowed. She hated this. Being here, being her. She just wanted to forget.

"Excuse me? Sweetie? You okay?" she whirled her head around to see the older woman who was talking to her.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You got a relative up here?" the woman nodded to the door behind them. "It's hard seeing people when they're this way."

Sara was confused. In what way? Then it clicked in her mind. The shrinks office was in the 'mental health' ward. Where the slightly crazy people went, before proper mental hospital.

"It's my daughter. She won't be here long, she just got a touch of the, uh, "baby-blues" as they call it." Sara listened as the woman told her about her daughters recently born son, how small he was, how much he weighed, whether he could smile yet...all those things that grandparents are so proud of. After maybe 20 minutes of talking, the woman said, in a shocked voice:

"My goodness, I've been yapping for ages! I told my daughter that I was going for a quick cup of coffee! And I've held you up for ages!"

As Sara bid goodbye to the woman, and then walked down the stairs, she wondered if her mother, wherever the hell she was, talked about Sara and Edd any more, or if they were just distant memories? If she had grand parents? If her mom missed her? Sara didn't realise she was back at her room until she opened the door.

The empty room greeted her, and she collapsed on her bed...

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Grissom hated leaving the hospital. What if something happened when he was away? What if there was a repeat of what happened in the bathtub? But he knew she was in with the psychiatrist and he'd be back soon, so she wouldn't have to be on her own for long.

Ecklie had phoned his cell yet again, to ask if he would be going in that day. Grissom had taken the last week and a half off, unofficially, which he could do since he had so much over the overtime limit. But now Ecklie was starting to harass him, so he decided to take some holiday leave time, and spend it with Sara. He was determined to help her get better, and he wanted to spend more time with her. He kicked himself for missing all the years he had the opportunity to do so, but hadn't taken said opportunity.

"Gil. I was wondering when we'd see your face." Ecklie said bitterly, as Gil placed his official holiday leave form on his superiors desk. "One month. Why so long?"

"Personal reasons."

"Do you realize how short-staffed we'll be, what with Sidle not being in?"

"Is Sinnita just a decoration then?"

Ecklie frowned. "This is unreasonable. No body is entitled to this much holiday leave."

"I haven't taken a holiday leave for six years. I am entitled to this."

"But the lab..." As Ecklie tailed of, Gil knew he had won this argument. "fine, fine, fine" he heard the other man say as he strode from the office to the lab, to find the rest of the CSI's.

After talking to them for 30 minutes or so, and telling them about his time off, he all but ran to his car, desperate to get back up to Desert Palms...

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"Why's Griss taking so much time off?" Warrick asked the rest of the team.

"I reckon he's just taken on too much." Catherine was matter-of-fact. "He's was overworked the entire time Sara was, uh, away, and now she's safe, he needs some down time. Maybe he's going on a proper holiday, like to europe or somewhere."

"No, Honolulu." said Greg with a grin. "Can you imagine him in a grass skirt?" he started swaying his hips frenetically, while imitating the whine of Hawaiian music. Badly.

"Ok Greggy, cut the sexy dancing" Nick laughed as he tried to get past Greg to the coffee machine.

"But seriously-a month is a long time." Warrick was persistent.

"Rick, Gil hasn't taken a holiday in six years." Catherine suspected that it was more than just a holiday, more like something to do with a tall brunette, but she didn't want the rest of the team knowing. "Doesn't he deserve a little time off?"

"Guess so. Damn, I wish I could get a month off."

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_Jayden Bounton was in a fantastic mood. His mother was getting better, his trip to London had been enjoyable, and they had upgraded him on his flight, since they overbooked the seats. He was a little worried about his Princess though, he had only left her enough food for ten or so days, and he had been gone for nearly two weeks. He knew she'd still be alive, but he hoped that she'd be better than just alive..._

_He made his way to his beaten up ford, and lifted his small suitcase into the boot. Then, settling into the drivers eat, and turning on the radio, he made his way out of the long-term carparking area. _

_As he drove off the freeway, the radio crackled out "And now we have one of our favourite oldies, Van Morrisson!"_

_As My Brown Eyed Girl played from the speakers, Jayden laughed and started to sing along. It was a sign..._

"

Whatever happened  
To Tuesday and so slow  
Going down the old mine  
With a transistor radio  
Standing in the sunlight laughing,  
Hiding behind a rainbow's wall,  
Slipping and sliding  
All along the water fall, with you  
My brown eyed girl,  
You my brown eyed girl.

Do you remember when we used to sing,  
Sha la la la la la la la la la la te da

So hard to find my way,  
Now that I'm all on my own.  
I saw you just the other day,  
My how you have grown,  
Cast my memory back there, Lord  
Sometime I'm overcome thinking 'bout  
Making love in the green grass  
Behind the stadium with you  
My brown eyed girl  
You my brown eyed girl"

_He drove past the seven-eleven, the laundromat, the other dilapidated houses, until he had reached his falling apart house, which he had more than once compared to a shack..._

_WHAT THE FUCK!? There were two police cars outside his door. Ohfuckshitfuckuckfuckfuck. SHIT. Ohgod. What would he do? What should he do? There was a news van there too, an attractive blond man was interviewing one fat police officer. The fat police officer saw Jayden behind the wheel of the ford, and reached for his radio._

_Jayden floored it._

"_BACK UP! BACK UP! SUSPECT IS HEADING TOWARDS ROSANNA STREET, NEAR THE PARK! BACK UP NEEDED IMMEADIATELY!"_

_The other police car had driven out after the ford immediately, and was currently following it through the Las Vegas streets. _

_The reporter had started gabbling excitedly into his microphone. "And the suspect in question has just fled the scene...police are following by...kidnapping of a CSI...possibly armed...identified as...recently out of...update on the chase...back to the studio..."_

_What could he do? What? What? Ohfuck, ohfuck. He spotted a gap between two buildings and pulled into it. Engulfed by dark shadows, the police cars sped past, not noticing. He was fine. Thank fucking god. He'd lost her. He'd lost his Princess. Jayden punched his dashboard. Fucking cops. Fucking Sara. His stupid fucking mother. Okay...his plan...his plan...what could he do?_

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Grissom pushed open her door, only to see her staring mutely at the t.v.

"Sara, honey, you okay?"

She just stared at the pictures moving in front of her. "Griss. Is this-is that him?"

"What?" Confused, Grissom walked over to the t.v. And saw the news reporter say:

"Earlier today, a man wanted for the abduction and rape of a law enforcement officer managed to evade four police vehicles. The suspect, unnamed for legal reasons, was seen driving past the property where the young woman he abducted was found earlier in the week, and was spotted by one police officer," here, the camera panned to the footage of the cop shouting into his radio, "however, the suspect managed to escape police capture on the corner of watford avenue. Police are still looking. And our other headlines-" Grissom picked up the remote, and switched off the t.v.

"He got away."

Griss nodded "yes"

"He's out there."

Another nod "Yes."

"he can come find me whenever he wants. Then he's going to kill me."

"Honey, no. you're going to be safe. He won't-"

"Do you know how he's going to do it? He said he would torture me. Burn the bottom of my feet. Then make me walk on broken glass. Then tie me up. Then, he'd kill everyone I cared about in front of me. And I'd know it was my fault, because if I didn't care, they wouldn't die. He said he'd slit Nicky's throat. And shoot Greg through the stomach,so he'd bleed out. And then he said he'd rape Linsey and Cath, and make me watch. Then he'd stab War, like he did to Alyssa. After that, he would cut off your skin. And time how long it took you to die. Then he'd cut out my eyes and-" by now she was shaking, rocking backwards and forwards, sobbing and sobbing, like she'd just been told the world was going to end.

"Sara, he won't."

"I'm sorry gil. I'm sorry. He-he said he'd r-r—read my diaries. H-h-he knew who you-you all were. It's my fault. I aksed him t-t-to. I d-didn't want him to. B-b-ut it's my f-f-ault-"

Grissom couldn't stand seeing her so distraught. "Honey. Sara. Sar. It's not your fault. No body could ask for this."

Sara's eyes were full of fear and self-recrimination "b-but I d-did. I-"

"No you didn't" Grissoms voice was gentle, and he sat on the side of her bed, so that they were both leaning against the headboard. "You didn't"

"I did. I asked him t-to. You don't kn-know." She was really picking up pace, disconsolately sobbing and breathing shallowly.

"I do. Sara, I read-"

"It's my f-f-fault. H-he said s-so. I'm a s-s-slut. P-po-He said I'm a whore."

"Please don't say that honey. You're not. You're not."

Sara had totally broken down. She was inconsolable, she couldn't stop crying, and Grissom couldn't stop her whatever he said. So he pulled her closer to him, stroked her hair and she sobbed for what seemed like hours into his shoulder. After she quietened down to the occasional sniffle and hiccup.

"Sara?"

He was answered by a snuffly sort of noise, and felt her try to pull away, but he squeezed her even tighter to his side. "No Sara. You're not running away, not running off to go cut yourself in the bathroom. There are too many people who care so much about you, who don't want to let you destroy yourself. I won't let you destroy yourself. Honey, please let us help you."

"He's going to come back. He-"

"He won't. The police are conducting a search in the tristate area. His photograph is all over the news by now, as is his name. They finally got legal clearance to name him. He'll get caught soon."

"Grissom, when I said I asked him, I didn't mean J-Jayden."

"I know."

"What? How?"

"Honey, I'm sorry, but when you went missing we had to do everything to find you. Everything. So-"

"You all read my diaries." Her voice was quiet, filled with shame.

"No. only Nicky, Cath and I. Nicky only read the first one, and Cath only read- she read the second one. I was the only person that read them all."

Sara tried to pull away from him again. He wouldn't let her. "Sara, please try to-"

"You know about- about Him? About the, uh, other stuff?"

"Sara, I'm not judging you. Nobody is. Nobody ever would."

"You should. I only deserve to be judged."

"No Sara. You were only a little kid. Who was manipulated, and hurt. What would you say to a fourteen year old who came in to be processed, and told you she had been locked into a cupboard, until she asked that? Would you say she was a slut? A whore?"

"No. no. b-but-"

"But nothing."

"But after...The drugs, and promiscu-"

"It's not promiscuity honey. You were, what, fourteen? At that age, nobody could go through what you did, and not have some reaction to it."

"You've been reading psycho-babble-bullshit-books Griss, haven't you?" he was relieved to hear the smile in her voice.

"Only for you Sara. Don't tell anyone, they'll think I've gone soft."

She moved closer to his side, and he held her tightly.

"I-I just wish that I'd been a normal teenager. Done things properly, the way they should be."

"I think when they say the teenage years are the best of your life, they don't take into account the 75 of the population who have shit teenage years."

He felt Sara laugh against him. They stayed in that position, him sitting with his back straight against the metal headboard, her curled up against him. for what felt like hours to Grissom, until he noticed Sara's breathing had regulated. He could feel her breath whispering past his neck as she inhaled and exhaled with her head on his shoulder. He smelt her apple shampoo, and kissed the top of her head. "Sara, I love you."

She stirred "What?"

oh fuck. She wasn't sleeping. Screw it. He was going to grow some balls and tell her what he really thought. "I love you."

"Aw, thanks Gris. I love you too." She shifted around until she found a comfier way of lying, put her head on his chest and went back to 'sleep' Grissom let out the breath he had been holding for the past, oh, three or four minutes.

That had gone well. She hadn't told him to piss off for ignoring her all these years. She had the chance to get her own back, but she never took it. He smiled, and leant his head back. He slept, his breathing synchronising with hers...

**AWWW, how adorable! yeah, but there will be much more angst...I still have like, another 15 chaptes left to write, i have many, many ideas in my head...haha.. please read and review! C'mon, i'm a review addict! you know u want to review me...lmao. sorry, too many pixie sticks today...**


	14. Chapter 13: Spread His Shining Claws

**Chapter 13: Spread His Shining Claws...**

**Warnings n Disclaimer in chapter 1**

"how doth the little crocodile

improve his shining tail

And pour the water of the Nile

on every golden scale

How cheerfully he seems to grin

and spread his shining claws

And welcomes little fishes in

with gently smiling jaws..."

"**How doth the little crocodile..." by Lewis Carroll.**

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"_Sar-rah. Sar-rah" She was walking in a dark place. What was this dark place, and why was it dark? _

"_hello? Can you help me?"_

"_Sar-rah. Sar-rah." she heard it again. "please-who's there?"_

"_Sar, it's me!" Nicky emerged from the gloom. "It's me!" _

_His happiness and excitement were contagious, but Sara felt a sense of unease in her stomach. "Nicky, is anybody else here ?"_

"_Of course, you silly little fishie! You asked us to come!" He gestured to the group of people now standing behind him. "You made us come here!"_

"_Nicky? Some thing's wrong..."_

"_Princess, its only wrong if you make it that way." Nicky's voice was high pitched and excitable "what do we play today?"_

"_NICKY WATCH OUT!" a shadow ran forward, and slit Nicky's throat. The shadow laughed, then moved back into the crowd of people._

"_Oh my god, Nick! Somebody do something!"_

"_Why Sara? What's wrong?" Nicks head jolted around on his neck, then fell off. Sara screamed, but the head had no blood pool. The alligators came for the body, and tore it up with their huge, great jaws. _

"_oh dear! What do we do now my little fishie?" Grissom was standing beside Greg with a gun. No it wasn't Grissom. It wasn't. Was it?_

"_Griss?" He shot greg in the stomach. Greg. Her substitute brother, making her laugh with all the dopey things he said to he, and making her feel happy when she was down...that greg. _

"_NO! GREG!" It was Jayden now, he was slicing Grissoms skin like it was a piece of ham. Sara tried to go to Griss, but she couldn't, Pop's was holding her arms behind her back. "no!No! Let me go!" he pushed her and she fell into her apartment's open door. She looked at the CSI's photographing the bedsheets, and the living room carpet. She could hear them- __**"there was...there was...what looked an awful lot like semen on both the bathroom and bedroom floor"... "I mean a lot of blood. And uh- Sara's robe was on the living room floor. Covered in blood, I mean."..."So what I'm seeing is...she opens the door to whoever it is... he gets inside somehow, and he attacks her in the living room...she goes for the bookcase...maybe a weapon?"..."a lot of semen in the hall leading to the victims room, which most likely wouldn't have been there if it was consensual. We also found trip wire with our vics epithelial and blood on it."..."I think he strangled the victim before, after, or even during the rape..."-** _

_Sara ran to them. "no I'm fine, I'm okay."_

"_**...trip wire, with our vics epithelial's..."**_

"_No cath it's me! I'm here! I'm not a vic! Look at me, I'm fine!"_

_As she said this, the alligator burst from the closet, and grabbed her. "C'mon Princess." teeth were shining at her._

"_NOOOOOOOO! GRISSOM! HELP!"_

_He turned to her, alyssa's rotting skull peering at her from his shoulders. "And what do you want me to do? You killed me, you whore."_

"_NO! ALYSSA I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO! PLEASE!"_

_Alyssa was shaking Sara's body now, fingers digging into her thin shoulders._

"_honey wake up! Sara!"_

"_PLEASE DON'T KILL MEEEEE!"_

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

When Grissom first heard the groaning and mumbling in the guest room, he figured Sara must be having a dream, and he let her sleep. However, when the moans turned to frightened whimpers, then to screams, he had rushed through to wake her up. He ran into the spare room, only to hear Sara screaming and apologising to Alyssa, and begging not to be killed. He shook her gently at first, but the screaming only increased in volume, so he shook her harder.

"honey wake up! Sara!"

"PLEASE DON'T KILL MEEEE!"

"Sara, wake up!"

Her eyes snapped open. "Grissom?"

"It was just a nightmare. Just a nightmare."

"I'm fine...I...it was- it was nothing."

"Sara, I thin-"

"No! I'm fine, honestly."

"okay. You're fine." He stood up, ready to leave the room "No! Griss! Stay!"

He turned slowly to face her. "Sorry?"

"Stay with me. I hate...I hate being alone..."

Grissom didn't need her to ask twice, as she gazed at him.

"Fine. Move over."

She shifted over in the bed, as he sat on the side and kicked his shoes off. He then swung his legs up onto the bed, and lie stiffly atop the covers.

He looked at Sara, who currently had her eyes almost shut, and was moving her head about on the pillow. She yawned, then seemed to fall immediately asleep. Grissom could feel his eyes shutting too, he was exhausted after getting very little sleep when Sara was in hospital. _I'm just shutting my eyes. I'm not going to sleep. Just shutting my eyes._

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Three hours later, Grissom had to face the facts. He had indeed, shut his eyes, but he had also fallen into a deep sleep. Oops. He could feel a warm weight slung across his legs. Cracking open an eye, he was temporarily blinded by the apple-scented curly hair obscuring his eyes. Brushing it out of the way, he discovered that the warm weight currently resting on his legs, was the very warm, _very female _Sara Sidle. What appeared to be a semi-naked Sara Sidle. What the hell? He realised he was cradling the back of her head with one hand and her backside with the other, effectively making it impossible for her to move away from him...but she was lying atop of the hand that was absent-mindedly stroking the side of her underwear. So, not fully semi-naked then. And Grissom could now answer the question that Greg Sanders had asked about Sara when he first started out as a lab rat. "leather or lace?" The answer was definitely lace, but Greg would have heart failure on finding out just _how_ his boss came by that information...

Sara snuggled closer into the warm body that was currently making her feel so safe and protected. Wait- a warm _BODY_? Her heart pounding, she flung herself away from the 'body', and promptly fell from the side of the bed.

"Sara?"

"Jesus, Griss. I think I just had heart failure."

"I think you'll live." he chuckled at her red face as he looked at her sitting on the middle of the thickly carpeted floor. As she stood up, his attention was caught by her long, slim legs. Oh, shit. Good thing he was wearing relatively baggy trousers...

Sara flushed an even deeper red, when she realized she was standing in front of her supervisor in only her knickers. "um-sorry-I'll-I'll just-yeah-uh..." she tailed of as she scrambled around looking for her jeans.

The sight of Sara sticking her butt in the air, looking for her jeans, all the while wearing lace underwear, nearly gave Griss a heart attack. "yeah-uh-I'll go make-some-uh-coffee."

He excused himself, edging out the room in a crablike manner. Sara didn't notice though, she was too busy hunting for her jeans.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

After Grissom left the room, and she had found her jeans, Sara headed straight for the bathroom. She needed a shower. God, she felt rough.

To Sara, the shower was one place that her problems melted away. The sound of water, christ, there was nothing like it to her. Other people may worship at the altar of Fallout boy, amusing sitcoms, or chocolate ice-cream, but when Sara felt like shit, the only thing that really and truly worked, was a shower. Feeling the hot water cascade over her head, she titled the apple-secented hair shampoo into her hand, and shmooshed it through her hair. Smiling, Sara wanted to make the ridiculous fake-orgasm sounds the women in the Herbal Essences advert made. Yep, give Griss a coronary, she could imagine at the scene:

Enter her (dressed in towel) Oh my heavens! Gil!

Investigator: Ma'am at any point in the evening did Mr Grissom seem unwell to you?

Her: Oh, no officer. Only when I wound my naked legs around his torso, then showed him my underwear, then made orgasm sounds in the shower, did he seem slightly unwell...

Investigator (getting heart palpitations): Orgasms in the shower?...

Her: Yes, I was pretending I was on t.v...

Sara smirked to herself again, as she clambered from the shower, and wound herself in a rather fluffy towel. Woah. Back-up. Gil Grissom had fluffy towels? Well, you learnt a new thing every day...

She walked into he room towel-clad, and started to blow-dry her hair...

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Grissom heard the buzz of a hairdryer coming from Sara's room, as he prepared breakfast for them, or rather dinner. Well, early 5:30pm dinner. And it was certainly more than coffee. Doctor Ernie had told him the importance of getting Sara's weight up, and Grissom had taken it upon himself to make sure she gained at least 10 lbs through the next two months. He had already decided she would stay with him that duration, not a moment less. For one thing- well, he was worried for her safety, and for another- well, hell, he just liked her being there...she made his sterile, empty home seem a bit less sterile, a bit less empty...

"woah-Griss." Sara stepped into the kitchen, a look of surprise plastered across her face as she saw all the food he had laid out on the table. "I know they said to fatten me up, but this is kinda ridiculous..."

Two bowls of salad, three of fruit, a plate with bagels, croissants and other breads on it, and a small plate of hard-boiled eggs cut in two, with mayonnaise for dipping. Grissom couldn't expect her to eat it all!

Five minutes into their meal, he noticed that Sara had hoovered up her food. "Hungry much?" he teased her, loving how sparkly her eyes were when she laughed.

"Urgh, you have no idea how disgusting hospital veggie options are." she told him. "when I asked for an orange for breakfast, the nurse brought me a revolting floury apple, which, coincidentally, looked nothing like an orange."

She sat back in her seat. "Omigod, I've put on like twenty pounds from all that food!" Grissom smirked at this blatant exaggeration; sure her stomach was slightly more rounded, but he could still see her hip-bones poking out from under the tank-top she wore.

"Yeah, you're fat now."

"Watch it." she warned him, nudging his leg with hers under the table. They both laughed, neither realising how much they sounded like a very-much-in-love couple.

After five or so minutes, Grissom interrupted the peaceful silence. "Do you want to do something this evening? It's only six, there's still loads of movies on..."

"uhm, sure, its just- I just-"

He understood. Leaning forward he told her. "Honey, you'll be fine. I'll be with you. He'll probably have fled Nevada, if not the U.S, by now."

Sara looked up at him from her previous gazing-spot of the floor. He was surprised by the emotion he saw in her dark brown eyes. "Yeah. Okay. I want to go see a movie."

She jumped up from the table suddenly. "I'm gonna go change. Give me ten minutes."

Grissom didn't need to change his clothes, he was fine in dark jeans and a shirt, so when Sara emerged ten minutes later, to the second, they were ready to go.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"Your choice. Pick a movie." he said graciously...It was almost as if she was being handed some great honour.

"Why, thank you Griss. If you're sure."

"As long as it's not a rubbish one."

She smirked at his last comment. They had bickered good-naturedly the entire way over in the Tahoe, with Grissom slating Sara's choice of "unnatural pop culture" versus her slating his choice as "the grandaddy movies where they hand out free cups of tea."

They were both standing in the lobby of the movies, Grissoms arm slung unconsciously around Sara's slim shoulders, and her leaning into his side. It was just natural for them to stand like that, neither realised what they were doing. It was almost like, the short amount of time Sara had spent with Grissom after being abducted had intensified, making them feel like they'd been together, in every way, for years.

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"Mom. Mom.MOM!" the 12 year old honeyed blonde girl tugged on her mothers sleeve. "Isn't that Uncle Gil?"

Catherine's gaze followed the direction that her daughters finger was pointed. "Linsey, don't be- omigosh!"

"What?" Nick and Warrick simultaneously turned around to see what Catherine was squealing about.

"Look! Over there! Gil! And Sara! Together! On a date!" They tried to see who she was pointing at, as the lobby surged with people escaping from the dreadful movie they had just finished watching.

"It's OK Cath. The pressure's getting to you. It's OK. We'll find you some professional help soon." Nick told her, solemly, a smile tugging at his lower lips. Linsey giggled, she loved seeing her mom getting teased by Nick. The good looking Texan had stolen the heart of Catherine's pre-teenager without realising.

"Nick shut up. I saw them, I was so sure..."

"Of course." Warrick had joined in. "and now can we go and see the movie?"

"Fine fine." Catherine was a little pissed that they hadn't believed her, but Sara and Griss had seemed to have disappeared from sight. If it really was Sara and Gil. Hmmm...

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_Catherine and Lindsey weren't the only ones to notice the charismatic couple. Although one person paid closer attention than most, with more sinister thoughts than most..._

_Jayden hadn't entered the movies. He had simply followed Sara and 'Griss' all the way there, careful not to be spotted. He had been pissed off when he saw Grissom place his hand absently on Sara's thigh when they were in the car, and he had nearly exploded with fury when Sara's boss had put his arm around her at the movies...and she let him, the filthy slut. He'd teach them well, oh he would definitely teach them well...He put his car into gear, and drove away from the cinema duplex. _

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

They agreed on Zodiac. Clever enough for Grissom, but still in the region of pop-culture for Sara. Grissom expected her to run out at all the 'traumatic' parts of the movie, but she stayed in, utterly fascinated with the plot line, unlike himself. Where was this stupid story going? Did it even have a point? The leading journalist part in the movie was irritating to him in addition to the pointless plot, as he could hear almost every female in the room suck in a breath every time the young Jake Gyllenhaal stepped on screen.

Even Sara.

Which annoyed him, because Jake was a rubbish actor. Grissoms dislike of him had nothing to do with the young actors fantastic looks, or the fact the young actor was just plain young. Grissom just thought he was a bad actor, was all...

Stepping out into the brightness of the lobby and squinting, Gil and Sara started debating the good and bad points of the movie.

"...and the bit with the phones was so unoriginal..."

"Griss, it wasn't! We have never ever had a case like that before the Zodiac Murderer. He created a new sub-category of killer. Or more do the point, a new subcategory of deviant murder."

"That is blatantly untrue! What about..."

They continued along this vein for quite a while, all the way home, and arrived at the house, Sara tired, and Grissom turned on by the way she expressed herself when she argued...she gestured, pulling her hands close then away from her chest, wriggling in her seat when he said something she totally didn't agree with, eyes sparkling, voice laughing. He felt like he had his old Sara back. The Sara from his lecturing days. He loved that Sara, he just hoped she would stay...

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

It was at least 11:30pm when they got home...He wanted to keep normal-ish hours, so Grissom told her that he was going to go jump in the shower, before going to bed, but as he started to make his way from the room, a small voice stopped him.

"Gil, I-"

he whirled around. Sara never, never called him Gil.

"will you sleep with me tonight?" Sara rushed out "its just-its just, I don't get nightmares when you-"

"Of course honey. Of course I will."

She smiled tentatively at him, before picking up a case file from the table, and walking over to the sofa with it, snuggling into the squashy black leather.

Grissom smiled at the back of her head, then padded through to the bathroom.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

_He had to do this. Now or never. He had to do it..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

As Sara read on about Desmond Horaddo's 2 year old case, she became so focused, she nearly missed the phone ringing.

"Grissom." she answered the house phone for him.

"_Gil Grissom?"_

"I'm sorry who may I ask is calling?" Grissom was out the shower, and dressed, currently mouthing 'WHO IS IT?' to Sara.

"_Why Princess, it's me."_

Grissom watched the colour drain out of Sara's face. "Sar, honey? Is it Nicky? Is it Cath? What? Sara, sweetheart, who is it?"

"_Sara, you better not be having other lovers," Jayden hissed poisonously down the phone at her. "you're mine. Why are you at HIS house Sara?"_

Grissom saw that she wasn't reacting to him asking for the phone, so he simply reached forward, and plucked it from her hands. "hello? Nicky? Cath? Who is it? Is everything ok?"

"_I'd say it wasn't, Gil." The unfamiliar tone puzzled Grissom._

"Sorry, who is it?"

"_You're very slow to catch on for a CSI. What do you think you're doing?"_

"Excuse me? Who is this, how did you get my number?"

"_questions, Questions. I have a question for you Gil." _

Gil was so confused, what was up with Sara? Why was she just staring at him?

"_WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SCREWING MY WHORE? I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU. THEN PRINCESS, I'M GOING TO FUCKING MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE DEAD, YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE MURDERING SLUT. PRINCESS? WHAT, AREN'T YOU FUCKING LISTENING? I CAN SEE YOU MISSSSS SIDLE."_

Sara could hear every word that the psychopath screamed down the phone at Gil, who physically reacted when Jayden screamed he could see her.

"Don't hang it up griss." Sara whispered, and he covered the mouthpiece, as Jayden's apopletic tirade came burbling from the earpiece. "The longer he talk's, the more chance the phone company will have tracing the call."

Grissom nodded to her.

"_WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING NODDING AT?" _Sara shot a scared look at the window. _"THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT PRINCESS, I CAN SEE YOU. YOU LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT, CSI SIDLE," Sara looked like she was going to vomit. "I LIKE YOU IN LEATHER, PRINCESS, THE JACKET'S NICE." oh god he could really see her. Them. _

Grissom hung up the phone, mad Sara stand up, them walked them both to the bedroom, where his gun and cell phone were. Giving Sara the gun, he phoned Brass.

Sara wasn't listening. She felt sick. Why the fuck did he keep invading her privacy like this? Why?

She barely registered being pulled into the kitchen and Grissom firmly pushing down on her shoulders to make her sit on the bench. She looked at him dazed when he put a strong cup of coffee in front of her. "why Griss?"

He felt his heart break for her yet again. She looked so lost and confused. "I'm sorry sweetie-I don't know. Brass said that they're putting a watch on the house as it's obvious this-this person won't leave you alone till he's caught. He will be caught Sar, don't stress please."

"But why?" she still looked so confused, "I mean, is it how I talk? Or my hair? Or my clothes? If I just knew, I could change it, and he would leave me alone..."

"Sweetie-it's not how you do you hair, or how you talk. It's nothing to do with outwards appearance. This man is just evil, Sara, and-"

"BUT WHY" Sara's voice was lividly angry, but her eyes were terrified. "WHY? HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP?"

"Please sweetie, you-"

"WHY? I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND." She stood on her rocking on her heels back and forwards. "PLEASE GRISS, TELL ME WHY" she wasn't crying, but she looked deranged, shrieking the same question every few seconds. Griss saw how pale her skin was, to how dark her eyes had turned. She was collapse any second, if she wasn't careful.

"Am I-am I doing something wrong? Like, when I speak or walk? He said it's my spark. How do I stop it? What's my 'spark?' Griss, what is it?"

Her teeth were chattering now. Grissom was totally clueless about what to do so he just walked over to her, and scooped her into a giant hug. She pushed him away as hard as she could for the first few seconds but he held on, not tight enough to hurt her, but tight enough to let her know she was secure. It actually seemed to work...She stopped breathing shallowly, and she at least felt a little less shaky. He held onto her as her legs gave out, then moved her over to the couch, after making sure every curtain in the room was shut...not that Jayden Bounton would be back tonight with the two squad cars out on parole. This was getting too messy. He looked at Sara, who was some-where between passed out and sleeping mildly on the couch, and decided to move her into his room rather than both of them spending an uncomfortable night on the couch. He vowed not to leave her alone when there was any chance that Bounton Jr. could get her...

They knew more about Bounton Jr. and Snr. than Sara thought. When he had finished reading her diary, Grissom had immediately went and spoken to Brass confidentially. Dragging Bounton Snr's records out, he had found that the foster father had two previous counts of child molestations in different states, previous to Sandra Van Der Woodsen accusing him.

After that, in court his previous records had been held in front of a judge, who had seen fit to put the convicted paedophile away for 15 years...seven had already passed.

Grissom had been so angry at the time...if Bounton had been previously convicted in two other states, why had he been able to foster kids in Nevada? And, in Grissoms opinion, the monster hadn't been put away for nearly enough time.

He had seen abused foster kids...they tended to fall through the cracks in the broken up concrete of social Care...

Sara Sidle had been one of the unlucky ones, she had fallen through the crack, but managed to pull herself out and away from said crack, only to be grasped and pulled back through again...

After pulling up the older Bountons record, he had looked for Annie Bounton. Nothing. Then Jayden Bounton.

There was a lot for Jayden Bounton...

Grissom saw that he had been questioned by a local policeman, after over 20 cats and dogs had gone missing from the neighbourhood, and one woman had told the cop that she had seen Jayden snap a cats neck on more than one occasion.

He had been cleared of rape at just seventeen, but only just cleared...there was no DNA...

He had been put in jail at the age of 18 for 4 counts of larceny. Then he got out on bail, broken the rules set for his bail, and been taken back to Nevada state Pen for a further 2 years without bail.

He had been let out a year previous to Sara arriving at the home.

He had been convicted of rape and battery at the age of thirty, and been in prison for fifteen years.

Two years after release, he had dropped off the map...apparently in Mexico somewhere...

Only, he wasn't...Only he had kidnapped Sara...Only, he was definitely still in Nevada.

Only...he was still terrorising her, stalking them.

Grissom wanted to shoot something, or more to the point, someone...

Even more to the point, he wanted to shoot Jayden Bounton...

**OOH! scary malary! i thought it was fluffy when i wrote it, but idk if i still think it is...hmmmmm...very, very interesting...tell me what y'all think! Thanks to all u reviewers n readers, ya'll keep me going! xoxox sugar**


	15. Chapter 14: Put Your Hand In The Flame

**Chapter 14: Put Your Hand In The Flame...**

****

**Warning- see chapter 1**

**Disclaimers- damn, what i would do i owned the CSI's...I'm thinking Greg, whipped cream and vodka shots...lol...sick minded...**

The sun was shining on her face, but CSI Sidle most certainly did not want to get out of bed that afternoon.

She turned to face the man lying next to her. Grisssom had his arm loosely slung around her waist. She didn't feel protected. She didn't feel safe. She felt like she was going to hit something, though.

Sara slowly lifted his arm from her, and padded through to the kitchen. Glancing at the clock, she noticed it was early evening. They had slept for almost a full day.

After grabbing a glass of water and an apple, she steeped outside, onto the small balcony outside the kitchen, and sat on one of the padded sun-loungers.

Why was this happening? Her mind analysed her situation, she was detached. Why? And what was happening with Gil?

She decided to focus on the safer subject: the one with the entomology degree.

Why now? Why hadn't he told her that he loved her before she had been taken from her apartment? Did he have to see her injured and traumatised before he could realise that he loved her? Or was it some kinky guy thing that he had? All the guys she had slept with previously, she knew that they had all liked the sort of crazily-insane-damaged-trying-to-fix-it aspect she had to her personality. But she hadn't loved any of them. Not really. They were just a revolving door of crushes and fucks. The last person she had cared for truly, was the physics teacher, and she didn't feel a quarter of what she felt for Grissom with said teacher.

She felt so empty. What if Jayden had been right, what if she was just a whore? Sara contemplated this idea for a few minutes. Hmmm, well at least that way, you would know not to have any expectations. Whenever they had interviewed any female prostitute (and they had interviewed a few, it was Vegas, after all) Sara had recognized that look that some of them had in their eyes. She had seen it in other people, rape vics, young drug users...

Those who were clinging to what they had, wishing they had the courage to let go and just fall...

Sara recognized that look, it wasn't one of desperation, or sadness. It was a look of...acceptance, like they had seen everything they could cope with, and learnt to accept it. She never wanted to accept it, but she knew she had.

Sara had accepted, down in that hole in that squalid heap, that this wouldn't end until she was dead.

Or he was.

But she knew she'd die first. She hadn't fought him off when he had come to her apartment. What were the chances she could now?

So, she had a police escort and Grissom to protect her.

But she didn't want that.

They crushed her.

She just didn't know what to do. How to just...be...just be still be at rest, without thinking about dying, and pain, and Alyssa.

It was Alyssa she thought about most.

She hadn't told anyone of what had transcended between them, while the 17 year old lay dying.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"_Alyssa? Are you Alyssa Henders?"_

"_Oh god...oh god...it hurts so bad."_

"_Where did he hurt you Alyssa?" Sara was almost calm._

"_In my...in my stomach. He stabbed me."_

"_Put pressure on it. Do you have a t-shirt on, a sweater?"_

"_No. I'm going to die."_

"_Alyssa please, hold on, you-"_

"_I didn't think I would die at seventeen. I was going to go to Yale. My boyfriend and I-we- I was going to have his baby. I was going to have his baby. It's gone now. I just want to die."_

"_No! Please-" Sara was sobbing for the girl. _

"_My mom, it's her birthday in two weeks." Alyssa's voice was calm. "I took all the money out my bank to put a deposit on a bracelet she liked. She needs to know where it is."_

_Sara couldn't stand hearing this girl talk about her mom's birthday, while she lay dying in some stupid basement. Because of Sara._

"_I just want to stop. I've been here months. I want to stop. I want to stop."_

"_oh god, Alyssa-"_

"_I thought there'd be a tunnel with light. But I can't see one. And I'm getting cold."_

"_It's my fault you're here! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."_

"_I-that man. You need to get away from here, whoever the hell you are." Alyssa sounded terrified to Sara's ears. "He won't kill you, you know. We're lucky. We get to escape." _

"_I'm-"_

"_I didn't think I'd die. But I'm happy to right now."_

_This went on for a while. Alyssa's breathing, Sara trying to make the girl talk, to keep her alive. Alyssa kept saying she was glad to die. Sara couldn't bear it. When Alyssa's breathing became quieter, and quieter, and finally stopped, Sara held her breath in sync with the dead girl. She held her breath for three minutes. Then breathed normally. She couldn't cry. She had just heard innocence die. Alyssa went to church. She helped at her local animal centre a couple of times. She believed in abstinence. She believed in love. Sara knew this from going through Alyssa's drawers and dresser, hoping to find the missing teen._

_Yeah, she had found her. Then lost her. Alyssa didn't even get to tell her boyfriend she loved him. Her parents. Her friends. Her family. Sara had seen numerous Crime Scene's, numerous beaten and broken bodies, numerous crimes against humanity. She had seen the twin towers. She had cried along with the rest of the world for the death of hundreds. She had cried for the children dying of AIDS, she had cried for those who couldn't defend themselves. She had cried when she realised her dad wasn't coming back. She had cried so many times._

_And now she couldn't shed one single tear for the girl who had been killed, for the girl who had been killed in her place._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

He reached for her the second he woke up. She wasn't there.

"Sara?"

He left the bedroom, and was heading to the living room, when he saw the balcony door open.

"honey?"

He saw the top of her dark head resting against the sun-lounger. He steeped out, and sat down at the bottom of the lounger, next to her feet. She didn't say anything, do anything. He tried again.

"Sara, honey?"

"oh."

He saw her mouth make the noise, but her eyes stayed focused on some spot off in the trees.

"Brass called. No sign of him yet." he told her, "they think he's gone back to Mexico, to escape."

"oh"

He didn't know what to do. "Sara, can I get you a proper breakfast?" he looked at her apple

"No, I'm fine." she sounded so distant.

"honey, that stuff he said-" grissom stared into her eyes "It wasn't true. You know that."

"mhm."

"Please, say something. Stop distancing yourself. You know I want to help."

She nodded, and smiled weakly. "I know."

He stood up to go inside. "Come in soon, it's cold." Stepping through the door, he didn't hear her say

"But I can't be helped."

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Didn't Ecklie understand what 'holiday' meant? Grissom angrily slammed down the soap. This was the first one he'd taken in years. And now, now Ecklie wanted him at the lab.

"Gil, it's an emergency." he'd whined down the phone "We need an entomologist right now."

Ecklie had sworn it would be six hours maximum. Six hours max- yeah right. Grissom knew he'd be in there for at least 10 hours.

He'd asked her if she'd be fine on her own. She had nodded. Course she would. She wasn't a little kid. Go on, Griss, go be the bugman.

So he was getting out the shower, and getting ready to go to the lab 20 minutes later.

"Sara? If you need me, I have my cell."

She heard him speak but didn't recognize the words. He was talking, and talking, and talking.

"sure Griss. I'm probably going to go back to bed."

"'kay. Make sure you eat something." God, it was already 8:30pm. Ecklie had phoned at ten to.

"bye Griss."

The second he shut the front door, Sara was on her feet. Alcohol. Alcohol. Alcohol. She had rummaged through the cabinets, looking for a bottle of anything, but there was nothing. Urgh.

Sara needed a drink. Screw sobriety, she didn't even have a real DUI.

She moved to the bathroom, a plan forming in her head.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Once you put your hand in the flame  
You can never be the same  
Theres a certain satisfaction  
In a little bit of pain  
I can see you understand  
I can tell that youre the same  
If youre afraid, well rise above  
I only hurt the ones I love

I dont think you know what pain is  
I dont think youve gone that way  
I could bring you so much pleasure  
Ill come to you when you say  
I know you want me  
Im not gonna hurt you  
Im not gonna hurt you, just close your eyes

"erotica" by Madonna

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"So, beautiful, are you waiting for somebody?" She turned form the bartender to look at the man standing next to her. Mid-to-late thirties, tanned, incredibly sleazy. Yeah, he'd do.

"me?" she asked coyly. "why no, I'm not."

"Would you mind if I sat here?" he gestured to the seat next to her.

"that would be...fine." she looked at him from under her lashes. He was practically panting, the pervert.

"Would you like another drink?" he looked down the front of her dress, for what seemed like several minutes, and only looked up when she held her glass in front of her cleavage.

"Thank you. I would." she smirked lasciviously as he met her eyes.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

He hoped she was okay. He had phoned the house several minutes ago, but no answer. He reminded himself that she said she was going for a nap, and redirected his focus back to his work, trying not to worry...

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Sara was on her sixth drink. And she was utterly drunk. She didn't know what those three last cocktails were that he had put in front of her, and she wasn't sure she wanted to know.

Sara knew she wasn't a messy drunk. She knew she was a slutty one. And that was fine by her. Fine fine fucking fine. Everyone suspected that she was fucked up anyway. So what? Now she'd just be confirming it.

The dance floor was pulsing. Salsa music poured from the speakers. Thank god she knew how to dance. He was pretty good too.

He nuzzled her exposed neck, as he bent her backwards.

"did anyone tell you what beautiful skin you have baby?"

Urgh, so sleazy.

"Thank you. Many have. But none have been quite so...interesting as you, Eddie" Probably not even his real name.

He smirked at her. "do you, uh, have somewhere we can go?"

She smiled, then took his hand

They weaved their way through the couples dancing together. Even when she was going to clubs and dancing in her teens, Sara had always imagined that Salsa dancers would be sexy professionals, exotic and erotic. But there were several couples here that obviously had no idea to dance. She supposed she was lucky that way. She at least had good rhythm. She continued to move past other people, one of his hands around her hip, the other on her ass.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Greg loved salsa music. He had only been to one of these clubs before. But his date, Verity, had insisted on coming here, she said it was an 'experience he'd never forget.' Damn, he bet she was an experience he'd never forget. She was a bossy cow. And, not that pretty. Kinda rude. Not, all in all, his ideal date. He just hoped she could dance.

"Greg? Do you want to get a drink?"

"Uhm, yeah. I'll get them. What would you like?"

"No, I'll get them." Yep. Bossy cow.

"Oh, um a beer would be good."

"okay. You go find a table." she hollered at him as she walked off to the bar. He resisted rolling his eyes, and scanned the room for a table.

Was that...No way.

He squinted. It was!

"Greg? Were there no seats?"

"What? I- sorry. Excuse me a moment."

He moved towards the slim brunette in the red dress on the dance floor with the sleazy older guy. What the fuck was Sara playing at?

"Excuse me! Excuse me!" he tried to get past a drunken group of people. By the time he had pushed through, Sara and the guy had disappeared. He turned around looking for them, and spotted her walking towards the door. Did she realize that perv was pawing at her backside?

"Sara! SARA!"

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

She heard somebody calling her. She turned around, and looked round the room. Nope. She turned to face the door, and walked out, Eddie tagging along behind her, hand still on her butt. This part kinda bored her. The journey between the club, and wherever they would do it.. He hailed a taxi. They got in.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"Sara!" he tried again when he saw her look around the room. Her gaze swept over him, and she turned to step out the door, stumbling a bit. The guy with her laughed, and steadied her by her elbow. She was obviously drunk. Greg didn't know what to do. Should he just leave her alone, let her do whatever it was she was doing? But she'd only been out of hospital a few weeks, she was till traumatised.

C'mon greg, his lazy side whispered, did she look traumatised?

You have to save her! The concerned side whimpered.

Look, it was pretty obvious what they were going to do. Lazy side was matter of fact. It's her business, she's a big girl.

But Greg, concerned side sounded urgent, she's still healing. Mentally and physically. This could damage her.

Damage, shmamage. The lazy side was feeling foreign today. Go back to your date. See if you can make tonight actually a success.

"Greg?" The voice ripped him from his inner turmoil. "I found us seats."

He turned to the woman standing in front of him. What if he'd made the wrong choice?

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"That's all the information we need Gil. Go home." It was 6 am. He was pretty tired. Not exhausted though.

"If you're sure Conrad." He was sarcastic, even after Ecklie had grovelled and apologised for bringing him in during holiday leave.

Grissom strode out the lab, quickly as he could. He was pretty worried about Sara...

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"What the hell?" He put the hastily scribbled note back on the sideboard.

_Griss-_

_Staying at my place tonight. Don't worry about me, I'm fine. Phone me tomorrow. _

_Sara._

Phone her tomorrow? She was mad, going home when she knew there was a chance of Bounton still being in Nevada. Okay, like a 0.5 percent chance, but still a chance all the same.

Grissom slammed the door to his Tahoe, and drove as quickly as possible over too Sara's apartment.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

He knocked the door tentatively. "Sara?" After twisting the handle, and finding it locked, he slid the spare key Sandra had given him into the lock.

He could hear the shower in her room going. Why the hell was there underwear on the floor? He was worried. There were men boxers there, too. He knocked her bedroom door, and went in when there was no answer. Oh god, what if Bounton had her?

He noticed the room smelt like sex, alcohol and something else, the second he stepped in there. Adjusting his eyes to the semi gloom, he spotted more clothes on the floor. Then, the adjoining bathroom door opened.

"Who are you?" The man dressed only in a towel spoke to Grissom, whose head immediately started pounding.

"No, more to the point, who are you?" Grissom's voice sounded frightening, even to him. "And what the fuck are you doing here?"

"I was with pretty-pretty." he pointed at the bed. Grissom turned, and saw Sara's pale, naked back, the sheet was only pulled up to her waist at the back, even she was lying on her front.

"Get. Out. Now" Grissom turned back to face the man.

"Hey, hey. She never said she had a pimp. I figure pretty-pretty wanted a good time, I didn't know I had to pay."

Grissom felt the red anger creeping up his back.

The man continued- "She wasn't trying to make money off the books, she didn't say I had to pay"

Grissom was ready to tear this little pricks head off.

'Eddie' seemed to sense this...

"Look, here."

He picked his wallet up out his jacket pocket, and put two hundred dollar bills on the bed next to Sara, thinking it would appease Grissom. "All good, huh?"

"Out. Now." oh god, if he didn't get out, Grissom knew he would strangle this guy.

'Eddie' seemed to sense this too.

"Okay man, I'm going."

He picked up the clothes in the bedroom, and proceeded to leave the room. Grissom just hoped that he would be gone before Sara woke up. He couldn't believe this. He picked up the bills, and his heart twinged. This guy thought she was a hooker. He thought Grissom was her pimp. Christ. Sin City indeed.

He tucked the bills into her dresser drawer, but as he straightened up, he noticed the little baggie of white powder. What the fuck had she done? It wasn't hers, it belonged to that little scumbag, he told himself as he left her room to go and sit in the kitchen, wait for her to wake up. It wasn't hers...please god, don't let it be hers...

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Owwww. Sara's head pounded, and she barely made it to the bathroom to barf. Bangbangbangbangbang, went the little men with the metal shoes in her head. Ow. This was possibly the worst hangover she had had, she thought, as she retched into the toilet, feeling the sheet slide down her back. Grabbing it and leaning back against the bathtub, she wiped her mouth on the corner of it, shut her, eyes, and tried to remember last night.

Oh god. Eddie. The cocktails. The coke. Fuck, she was a teenager again, trying to rid herself of the hangover, the dirty feeling between her legs, the rash under her nose, before school. She leant over, and heaved into the toilet a second time.

Shit. This wasn't just a hangover, it was a comedown. Sara knew her body could so totally not handle hard drugs. That much she had learnt. And yet, she had snorted the shards of poisoned glass into her brain. And she had fucked him. Why? She was drunk? No excuses, girl. She thought to herself. You fucked up. You fucked up so bad.

"Are you feeling better?" Sara's head jerked up to see Grissom standing at the door, looking at her with worry evident in his eyes.

"Griss?" She hung her head. He couldn't know, could he? Oh god, he could probably read minds like E.T, or those aliens from signs, or that girl in that movie, what was it called...Her mind was off on a tangent. Could he read her mind? Sara tried to push all thoughts from her head. In pushed an image of Eddie snorting coke of her stomach, then biting her hipbone. NONONONO! Be careful Sara, this man can read your mind!

Sara's comedowns were always pretty, well, interesting...

"Sara, are you okay?"

He asked her again, this time sitting down next to her. They were sitting in her bathroom. Against the tub. Grissom was wearing jeans. She smelt of sex and vomit, of an alcohol distillery.

It was all rather amusing, she thought.

Then another roll of nausea hit her, and she leant over to the toilet to barf. Again. How embarrassing.

He rubbed her back as she puked. Her bare back. Grissom tried to think unsexy thoughts. Mind you, when you could hear someone barf right next to you, unsexy thoughts weren't hard to think...

"Griss...I'm...I'm...uh" She didn't know where to begin.

"It's fine. Get washed up, and I'll make you some coffee."

Okay. Sooooo not the reaction she expected, but okay. Good. He left the bathroom, while she just sat there, staring at the floor. Okay. Okay.

She stood up. Dropped the sheet. Got into the shower. Ahhhh, hot water.

Showers cure everything...

**ooh, quite angsty...as u guessed** **I'm a big greg sanders fan, he's HOT! I plan on making verity re-appear, hint hint, i hate that bossy biatch! lmao...so guess what? \i have another fic in the making! it's just an idea right now, but its got sara/greg, then sara/griss, and lots of angst. (yep, im an angst whore...) so, should i start writing it now, or should i concentrate on finishing this fic? tell me what to do, haha! ok, luv u all, hopefully i'll update tomorro! xoxoxoxo**


	16. Chapter 15: Hey Little Razorblade

**Chapter 15:Hey, Little Razorblade**

****

**Warnings, disclaimer: see chapter one**

_She stood up. Dropped the sheet. Got into the shower. Ahhhh, hot water._

_Showers cure everything..._

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

"Hey hey little razorblade,

Girl, you're so so dangerous  
You say you wanna try and get away  
And that's just so obvious  
But I've got the keys so lets put it into drive

Hey hey little razorblade,

Girl you're so so serious  
You're only pretty when you walk away  
And you act oblivious  
But I've got the keys so lets put it into drive

And you're right that its wrong  
To spend the night alone  
You stand on the shore as I'm treading water  
and wave as I sink like a stone..."

"Hey little razor-blade" by The Pink Spiders

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

She could smell the coffee the second she stepped out of her bedroom. She hated this apartment so much, the memories, even walking through her hallway made her feel nervous.

Grissom was in the kitchen, sitting at the table. She plopped into the seat opposite him. He looked up at her.

Sara felt weird, it was like one of the T.V shows, where the kid was sitting at the table with their parents, and then they got grounded for being out to late, then the kid swore, then the parents said, hey we're doing this because we love you, and the kid said I hate you, then they said tell us what the matter is, then the kid cried and told them, then they fixed the problem, and everyone was happy again...

Not quite.

"Sara?" his voice jerked her from her thoughts. "Coffee." he pushed the cup over to her.

"Griss. I...I can't...I don't...I...urgh."

"Sara, let me speak." Oh no, was he going to ground her? Sara wanted to laugh. Then realised that this was the guy she had wanted to sleep with since she was like, 20. That was eight years. Oh god, she was so old...

"honey, you've been through so much. I mean, with Bounto-"

"Don't say his name near me." her eyes glittered. "Don't."

"-with him, and then this, but please, Sara, acting like you did when you were younger-please, it won't help. You could've died back then, you could've died last night. Sara, how did you know he wasn't following you? How do you know if he's left Nevada or not?"

"I don't care." She didn't. She didn't care. Finally, Sara recognized what that feeling was, the one she had felt last night when she went out. The same feeling she had felt since Him. It was ambivalence.

"Honey? Sara?"

"I don't care any more Griss. I just don't care. I don't care if I'm alive or dead. I don't feel either." She fell silent.

"Please, talk to me."

She shook her head, her wet hair, starting to curl, fell down the sides of her face, so he couldn't see her eyes. "Talk to me."

He was so scared. He couldn't see her like this. He felt sick, felt his heart rip, his stomach in knots, his eyes fuzz, his brain pound. Sara was losing her spark. He had to help her get it back.

"Sara. Look at me." he put his fingers under her chin, and brought her head up. "Please baby, tell me. Please. Tell me what you're feeling." He knew he couldn't get her to go to a shrink or counsellor. He hoped this would be the next best thing. She pulled away from him, and ran from the kitchen. Ran from him.

Grissom followed Sara from the kitchen, to her bedroom, where she was furiously stripping the bed.

"Sara. Ignoring this isn't going to fucking work." he was so frustrated. He needed to help. How could he?

"No. Griss. Just- just stop."

"Sara, talk to me. Talk to someone. Please."

"LEAVE ME ALONE GRISS. STOP IT. I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS."

He backed out of the room, and walked from her apartment, into the outer hallway. Sara, his Sara, had just said she couldn't do it. She couldn't do it.

She couldn't do it.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

She finished stripping the bed. She couldn't deal. She just couldn't fucking deal. Her mind had blanked out. She punched the headboard. Harder. Harder. Her knuckles started bleeding. She kept hitting it. Harder. Harder. Harder. She couldn't fucking deal.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

He heard banging. Collecting himself, he went into the bedroom. She was punching the headboard. The tears were streaming down her face. Harder Harder Harder. She just kept hitting it. Grissom could see that she had burst the skin on her knuckles. But she kept hitting it. Harder. And harder. There was blood on the headboard. But she kept hitting it.

He went up behind her, and gently took her hand, as she brought it back to hit the headboard again.

"Don't" her voice was so quiet, compared to her screaming earlier. It hurt.

He pulled her close. "Sara. Talk to me. Please. I love you. I want to understand."

"You want to fucking understand? You can't. I want to die. It fucking hurts to smile. I'm fucking killing the outside so I can just fucking kill the thing on the inside. I hate not knowing what I'm doing. I'm not me, I'm just floating. You don't fucking understand."

"honey I-"

"Don't honey me. Don't, Grissom. I can't listen to this shit. I can't listen to how you care, how you all love me, how everyone wants me to take fucking care of myself. Please. I can't hear it. I can't listen to it."

"But Sara, we don't want you to hurt yourself, any more than you're hurting right now."

"I don't care what any of you want. Why can't everyone just leave me alone? I just- I just- I need to be not here."

"What do you mean, you need to be not here? Sara, we want to help you. I want to help you. I love you."

"oh? And it took me being fucking ABDUCTED, AND KEPT IN A FUCKING HOLE FOR YOU TO REALISE THAT?"

"No, what I m-"

"No Griss. NO. I can't- I can't fucking deal with this. I can't deal with this. Oh god. It's not right. It all...nothing is making sense to me right now Grissom."

Her voice had gone from sad to angry to sad to furious to confused. She wasn't making sense. Grissom suspected it was her coming down from a high, mixed with all her undealt with feelings. He knew that if he left it she would clam up, then they wouldn't be able to do anything until next time she did something self-damaging.

She walked out the apartment.

Grissom stood paralysed for a matter of seconds, then after locking up, followed her down the stairs. Well, he thought she's gone down the stairs to the carpark. What if she hadn't? The little rat of worry gnawed on his mind. What if she went up to the top of the building, the top floor, and... this question hung in his mind. _It's never the fall that kills you..._

She was standing by the Tahoe. Waiting for him. Where was her car? Why did it matter?

She looked at him. He opened his mouth, but she shook her head, as if to tell him not to even try.

The ride 'home' was silent.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

She woke up in the townhouse. This was all getting very confusing, all this falling asleep, then waking in different places...last thing she remembered was being in Griss's car. Grissom was sat next to her, absent mindedly stroking her hair. When he felt her stiffen, he looked down at her.

"hey."

"hey. What's the time?"

He checked his watch. "2:30pm"

"oh."

"Sara, we really, really need to talk."

"okay."

Okay? well, maybe this would go well after all.

"First, how much of that stuff did you take? Did you take it at all?"

She couldn't look him in the eye. "I'm...I don't know. I- we- I drank too much."

So she had taken it...

Silence

"Did you mean what you said earlier, about wanting to die?"

"I don't know"

"I know that the psychiatrist at the hospital was a bad experience, but you need to talk to someone. If I can ge-"

"I can't talk to anyone about it. I just want to forget that it ever happened."

"You can't do that, honey. What happened last night, it was how you coped when you were younger.," she tried to interrupt, but he put his finger on her lips. "it didn't properly work for you then, and it definitely won't work now."

"But I-"

"You can talk to me. Tell me honey. I'll listen. You need to tell someone, get it away, get it out of yourself."

"Grissom, you don't want to hear it."

"Please baby."

Maybe it was the term of endearment added to the end of his sentence. Maybe it was the serious tone of voice he used. Maybe it was his baby-blues, shining with hope and love for her. Or maybe it was just that he was right. She had to get it away from herself.

So she told him.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

It was hard just listening to her. Grissom could barely stand it. It hadn't been this bad when he was reading her diaries, that way he could distance himself from it. Here, she was talking about things that wouldn't be allowed on the most open of all talk shows. She spoke of her childhood. She spoke of her teens. Then she told him about what had gone on in that basement. The mind-fuck that he had played with her. The beatings, the torture. How she had envied the others, who had been allowed to die. How she was stripped of everything: dignity, hope, happiness. Until nothing was left.

He didn't know what to say: how to respond...saying "How awful that must have been for you" didn't exactly get him the sympathy of the year award.

While contemplating this, he hadn't realised Sara had stopped talking.

He looked down at her when he noticed the silence. "Sara, I- I just don't know what to say."

"Now do you understand? Why I just want to forget? Why I don't, and didn't want to talk about it?"

"I do. But Sara," He slid down till, he was facing her. "Sara, I meant what I said. I love you. I know it's not an appropriate time. But I love you."

Sara could feel the wall crumble. Her first defence had just been breached. Why did it have to be Griss? She had coped before. He was ruining it. And he damn well knew it.

"I can't let you hurt yourself. You mean so much to me. Do you remember when we met at that seminar? And you kept asking questions? The feelings I had for you then, I've had them for eight years. Eight years Sara. And you're kidding yourself if you think I haven't wanted to act on them. So now I've plucked up the courage to do so, I can't let you go drink yourself to death, or cut yourself, or fuck yourself up with drugs. I can't let you do it."

He could feel her shuddering, as she cried into his sweater.

He knew, he knew what had just happened had made a difference. And he knew his little 'I love you' speech had completely, and totally finished the process of changing the dynamics of their friendship.

**ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

Once she finished her marathon sobbing session, she sat up next to him, and he put his arm around and behind her shoulders.

"Do you still need to get away? Away from here?"

"I think so. Griss, I just need to clear my head, I need to figure out what to do."

"We could go together. Go away together, I mean. Where would you go, if you could go anywhere?"

Remnants of her dream floated back to her. "I would go back to Carmel."

He knew she had been to Carmel, had worked there the summer before college.

"Fine. Today or Tomorrow?"

"Huh?"

"Do you want to leave today or tomorrow?"

"Uhm Griss, the impulsiveness is nice and all, but you sort of have a job and-"

"I took some holiday time. My first in six years, you know."

She raised an eyebrow. "I've only taken one in the entire time I've worked for your lab. And I've always done overtime."

"I've been working the job longer."

"Pah. Quantity isn't the same as quality." she stuck her tongue out at him childishly, and he laughed quietly...how quickly her moods changed... She got a serious look on her face, and the humorous aftermath of their humour and joking around dissipated.

"Can we go today? But what about if Nicky, or War, or Sandra want to talk to me?" she asked him, with Grissom muttering "again." under his breath, referring to the sheer amount of calls from the sheer amount of people he had intercepted since she got out of hospital.

"just leave the message on your phone to say you'll be away for a while. Say you've gone back to san fran for a holiday"

She couldn't see any flaws, except for the obvious. "Uh Griss, what if they try and get hold of you? And don't you think its suspicious that we're both unreachable at the same time, and all?"

"Every one knows to phone me on my cell." he didn't answer the second part of her question, he just hoped nobody noticed that they were away at the same time. Sara also noticed he didn't answer the second part of her question, but decided not to speak on it. Sliding her legs off the bed, then following with the rest of her body, she ambled lazily to the guest bedroom. Grissom looked after her retreating back, feeling more than slightly confused. "Sara?"

"Didn't you say today or tomorrow?" she smiled at him over her shoulder. "I'd rather go today."

He could hear the old Sara in her voice. It wasn't a specific way she would intonate, or the tone, or accent...it was just something uniquely...Sidle...

He followed her lead by sliding off the bed, and going to go pack a small bag for the next few days...

**sorry guys, the fluffiness wil be continuing for a little bit longer...I'm gonna try update w two chapters at a time now, so i cn get back to les angstiness sooner! xoxoxox**


	17. Chapter 16: Body Like A Bandage

**Chapter 16: Body like a bandage, body like a wound**

****

**warning & disclaimer-chapter 1**

**I'm sorry about the long-assed time it took to get this up, I had to rewrite it, because the first one was so fluffy it'd choke you...tried to throw in as much angstiness as i could but its still...not my fave chappie...it's very cliched at the end...hope u enjoy, Sugar xoxoxoxoxoxo**

****

The time he had estimated that they'd be away for, had mutated in a rather interesting way. He had told himself four days, which had turned to seven, and they were now heading for ten-to-fourteen days...

He told himself that it was because he needed to holiday away from Vegas. He told himself it was because he was overworked.

But he knew it was because the more time he spent with Sara, the happier he was...she still had bad moments, he knew she had considered cutting, he had seen hesitation marks on her skin...

_She had just come out the shower, wrapped in a towel. He had said he was going to go out on a walk, and she hadn't expected him to be back for a few hours. She couldn't stay alone longer than that, she got nervous..._

_So, when she had stepped out the shower, wrapped only in a towel, she hadn't tried to conceal the little marks on her right thigh._

"_Grissom? I thought you went for a walk?"_

"_I did, but look." he pointed to the sky outside, which was currently spitting rain against the window. "I knew the good weather had to stop sometime."_

"_Damn"_

_He had looked at her again, as she gazed out the window. "Sara, what did you do to your leg?"_

_She had looked at him, eyes full of panic. "Griss-I – I didn't. I was going to- I- Nothing- I couldn't help my- honestly, I-"_

_He had cut her off. "Sara, Rome wasn't built in a day. But every time you do that-" he pointed to her leg. "you're just burning what you have built."_

_She had gone back into the bathroom then, and gotten changed, grabbing her clothes from the floor on her way. Griss hoped he had gotten through to her a little bit more, he knew they weren't full marks, they were hesitation marks, but they were marks all the same..._

Since then, things had gone pretty well. The rented room they were staying in at the quaint B&B allowed for them to be close enough to feel safe, but no so close as to feel hemmed in. Gil just wished they could stay there forever...

He wanted to take Sara out tonight. There was a beautiful restaurant near the small private beach she had taken him to, which had a very highly recommended vegetarian options, as well as seafood for his own carnivorous tastes. He had asked the B&B owner, Mrs Sopalo, what the best restaurant in the area was, and the one she had gushed over was the one he had made reservations at. Apparently, Carmel-by-the-sea was a popular tourist destination, even at the end of May...

She emerged from the bathroom. "Is this okay, what I'm wearing?"

Grissom turned to look at her.

She was in dark blue, knee length dress, similar to a sundress. She was still too thin, he noticed, but she wasn't emaciated. She was perfect

"It's perfect."

"Thank you. You look good too."

She didn't know how else to put it. He looked amazing to her. Tan slacks and a light blue shirt, opened at the collar, mad his eyes sparkle. "Where are we going?"

"Aha, you'll have to wait and see..." he smirked. Gil knew Sara couldn't stand to be kept in the dark, when it came to things such as dinner plans.

"Griss, tell meeee." she wheedled at him, almost the entire way there, in an openly good-humoured way. When they arrived at Shatzi on the Main, she had squealed in a most un-Sara way, "Griss! I've wanted to eat here since I was a teenager!" and given him a smacker of a kiss on the lips, followed by a blush that would have put the celebrity red carpet to shame. Grissom had smiled in a bemused way at her, then taken her hand, and tugged her into the restaurant's candle-lit glow.

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All the way through dinner, she had felt it...it had started when she kissed him over-excitedly, and had intensified over the past hour and a half. She was sure Griss could feel it too. It was almost a lulling hum in the atmosphere, but it buzzed and flickered too. She couldn't place it entirely. She knew what it was, but she couldn't place it. It was somewhat like the 'frisson' she had had with guys she had previously dated and consequently slept with, but with Grissom, there was something else thrown into the mix.

They had spent the entire meal laughing quietly, and joking. There was no mention of what had previously happened, Sara had put it to the back of her mind, she wasn't thinking of it. She was only aware of the soft voices around them, the delicious meal they were eating, the deceptive candle light, making every one look ten times as seductive as they usually did, and finally, she was painfully aware of his eyes. She had always been entranced by Griss's eyes, the way they sparkled with humour, or the way they would dull or shine with emotion at a difficult case, the way they would reflect what he thought. Sara truly believed that the eyes were a window to the soul, and Gil Grissom's eyes founded this opinion wholly to her.

He could feel her knee brush his under the table occasionally, and feel her laughter warm him to the tip of his toes when she let it loose. He could feel her passion for life ring through him, he could almost feel her soul...he knew what Sara's 'spark' was, he couldn't describe it, but he could feel it. It was intoxicating. He felt drunk on it. He wanted to grab it, hold it, soak some of it up into himself.

Grissom was almost feeling what Jayden Bounton felt, but for Grissom, it wasn't obsession, it was something entirely different...

They had finished their meal, and he was paid the bill when she was at the washroom. He couldn't help but watch her butt as she walked away from the table, and felt a bubbling irritation when he saw the man at the next table doing the same. He was contemplating going over and hitting him, when her voice jolted him out of doing so.

"Griss? Ready to go?"

He stood up, and followed her from the restaurant.

It was just perfect, Sara reflected, as they strolled along the quiet cobbled streets...the moon was out, it was nice, although very humid weather, and Grissom was holding her hand. Oh yes. Holding her hand. It was like a movie or something. It was just so god damn romantic...

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Those were the rights of spring and we did everything  
There was salvation every night  
We got our dreams reborn and our upholstery torn  
But everything we tried was right

She used her body just like a bandage  
She used my body just like a wound

Ill probably never know where she disappeared  
But I can see her rising up out of the back seat now  
Just like an angel rising up from a tomb

"Objects in the rearview mirror." by Meatloaf.

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Grissom could smell her appley-hair, he could hear the music of her words wash over them as they strolled their way back to the B&B. It was a beautiful evening, although the humidity was bothering him somewhat. But the moon was fully out, and he was holding her hand. It felt too perfect.

"Griss, can we stay down here for a bit?"

He jerked from his thoughts, as she spoke to him. They were at the edge of the beach, maybe three to four minutes away from the B&B.

"Uhm, sure. But we need to get back within an hour you know, Mrs Sopalo was very clear on her closing times." he smirked sardonically. Mrs Sopalo was more than clear on her closing times. More than once during their checking in, she had told them "We close at 12:30 exactly. You late, you sleep outside. Yes? You can't come in after 12:30, the doors will be LOCKED."

"Just for a few minutes Griss."

They sat on the cool sand. Sara took of her flat sandals, and dug her toes into the tiny granules.

"I loved working here. Everyone, everyone is so nice. They all talk about their kids, their grandkids, their wives, their husbands, everyone talks about their family."

Grissom was silent. He knew what she was saying was important, every word of her past that was spoken fixed a little bit of what was happening in the present...

"I always used to listen you know? When they told me. I would just like, I don't know, drink up their stories. I loved working behind the bar, everyone would talk to you. Working as Bertha's waitress at the B&B only took up a tiny amount of my time, and paid like, so little money that I had to get another job."

Grissom nodded, and she leant into him. With his back against a sort of rocky-stony beach structure, and hers against his chest, they were in a relatively comfortable position.

"So I worked in the bar a few minutes away from the Shatzi. You know, the one with the yellow umbrella outside?"

He nodded again.

"Everyone, they're just so, I dunno, interested. Like, they just want to be friendly. And they don't want anything from you. So unlike Vegas, or San Fran. It's so- so- happy."

She tailed off, and Grissom could feel her pull from his arms, then turn to face him. He could see her eyes shining at him.

"I love you Griss." she leant forward.

Her heart was thudding in her chest. His eyes could see into her soul.

She had laid her heart out bare for him.

He could smell her hair, her perfume. The stars were shining behind her.

She moved closer to him. He wasn't breathing.

They looked at each other. Faces only inches apart.

"Sara, do you truly want this?"

She could see his eyes shining at her. She loved his eyes.

"Yes."

She leant forward. He let her make all the moves.

She ran her hand down the side of his cheek.

She curled her hand at the back of his neck.

He could feel her hand on his neck. God she smelt so good.

He slid his had around her waist, and leant forward.

They made out for what felt like hours to him. And to her.

It wasn't filled with passion and lust, as Sara had imagined for all these years. She had imagined that kissing him would be red-hot, and lust filled, fuelled by sex-drive, or alcohol.

He had never felt what he was feeling right now.

Sara realised, it wasn't lust any more, it was love. She had never been in love before, not like this.

Grissom realised, it was love. He loved her. He had never felt so much emotion through a kiss before.

She pulled away.

"Sara?"

"Time, Griss. What time is it?"

"Oh. We have another half hour."

"It's like we're in high school. With a curfew."

"When you were in high school, I was over 30 years old."

"Hmmmm...breaking more than just curfew then..." she smiled at him.

The spell was broken when Grissom felt a raindrop land on his head. He thought some passing bird had crapped on him, then realised that no sane bird would be flying about after sundown.

Sara voiced his thoughts. "Fuck. Griss. Run"

"Run?"

The sky broke above them. Rain started pouring down on them, they were soaked in a matter of seconds. They were running back to the B&B, Sara carrying her sandals, and almost wetting herself laughing. They flung themselves through the door of the bed and breakfast, panting and laughing.

"What the hell just happened?" Grissom sounded a little pissed off.

"That happens all the time here. One minute, the weather's gorgeous, the next minute, it's practically a tropical rainstorm. We need to get to our room, 'else we'll wake everyone up."

They tried to get to their room making as little noise as possible. Dripping on the carpet, Sara watched Grissom shut their bedroom door.

He turned, and she walked over to him. And kissed him again. They broke apart breathless, and Sara started to unbutton the rest of his shirt.

"Sara, you don't have to-"

She peered into his eyes. "No I don't. But I want to."

He saw that she knew that she wanted to. He looked into her eyes as he slid her dress from her shoulders.

She looked into his eyes as she finished unbuttoning his shirt.

She knew she wanted to. He loved her. She loved him. There was nothing wrong with this.

Nothing wrong with it. Everything was alright. It was perfect.

Wasn't it?

He couldn't believe how she had placed all her trust in him. She wanted to do this with him. He could set it right for her. Make it right for her.

She pushed him onto the edge of the bed, and kissed him again.

And then- and then...Sara wasn't so sure what she felt. Because it was all so new to her...

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Sara could hear breathing next to her ear. She tensed. Only Grissom. It's only Griss. She had to remind herself over and over that she was safe. She was aware of their surroundings. They were spooned together.

Naked.

In a bed.

The nights events came flooding back to her, and she smiled. She wasn't sure what it was, but it was different from everything else. She pulled the comforter further up her shoulders, she was cold, and quietly waited for Gil to wake.

He had hair in his eyes. Long, brown curly hair that most certainly wasn't his. He was spooned against a naked woman. No, he was spooned against a naked Sara. Who had obviously sensed he was awake, and turned to him, propping her chin up on one hand.

"Hey."

"And a good morning to you Ms. Sidle."

She smiled at him. "so what happens now?"

"I'm rather hungry. I suggest breakfast?"

She smacked his cheek softly. "No. I mean, work and stuff?"

"I don't know. Breakfast?"

"'kay. I need to shower."

She slid away from him, out the bed, and walked over to the bathroom stark naked. Grissom gaped. Uh, okay, unsexy thoughts, unsexy thoughts...

"Problem Griss?" she asked him, smirking a little, as she slid on the robe she had picked up from the chair next to the bathroom door.

"Yes, there is a problem. I also need a shower. And breakfast finishes in 30 minutes."

"You also need a shower. Breakfast. Hmmmm, I see no reason why two mature, logical people can't share a shower."

"Ahem. No I don't see any reason why not." Grissom certainly didn't see a problem with sharing a shower with a wet naked CSI Sidle. Nope, no problem at all.

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"Well, we've definitely missed breakfast" he mumbled into her neck thirty minutes later, as she wrapped a towel around herself.

"Oh dear. Guess we'll just have to go out for breakfast."

He smirked as she sauntered from the bathroom. Then he turned on the cold water.

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Catherine really, really hated not being able to contact people when she wanted to. She really, really hated it. So she wasn't in a good mood when she came into the the lab on Thursday night.

"When the hell is Grissom on holiday until?" she asked Nicky who was standing at the coffee machine.

"Only three days to go." he replied tiredly. "I never realised how much work he and Sara did before they weren't here, y'know?"

"Three days to go. I barely remember what Linsey looks like. I don't need coffee, I need alcohol."

"Tell me about it. Have you heard from Sara at all, since she went to San Fran?"

"Nope. Have we any news on the perp?"

Nicky's reply echoed her own. "Nope. Nothin'. Uh, Cath?"

"mmmm?"

"We- we have that evidence from Sara's crime scene..."

"I realised. Why, what's the problem?"

"Some of it still needs to be processed..."

"Well, process it"

"Cath, it could be, uh, material of a sensitive nature, if you get what I mean."

Her heart sank in her chest. "Material of a sensitive nature? Nicky, what exactly is there in evidence?"

"you remember the video equipment?"

"You told me that you didn't find anything recorded when you checked the rooms."

"I, uh, only did a quick check...thing is, Greg found um, a dvd..."

"Has anyone viewed it yet?"

"No, wanted to ask you whether we should leave it till Grissom comes back."

She wasn't sure what to do...maybe they should wait, but what if it was harmless?

"Have- have Warrick and Greg look over it. Then tell them to come see me."

"Cath, you sure?"

"Jesus Nicky just have them look over it! If its something that is 'sensitive information', then we'll show it to Grissom when he comes back."

She knew she shouldn't have spoken the way she did to Nick, but she hadn't slept for 32 hours, Linsey had been so rude down the phone, she needed to shower, she needed to sleep...She needed Grissom to come back, a month without him was bad, but a month without him and Sara?

The amount of extra time the team put in was sickening...

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They had walked down to a small café, opposite the pier, for breakfast. Sara hadn't bothered blow-drying her hair, and now the curls were constantly blowing in her face as she sipped her orange juice. Grissom couldn't help smiling at the sight of her holding it back with one hand every time she had to take a drink.

"Shut up, it's not funny. I wouldn't have to do this if you hadn't rushed me." she tried to glare at him, but couldn't quite manage.

Grissom just smirked, and took a bite of his fried egg. He hadn't felt this relaxed for a while.

Then his phone rang.

And the previous sense of relaxation turned to one of dread.

"Grissom."

"_Hey, it's Catherine."_

"Hi Cath."

Sara's head snapped up at the mention of her colleagues name, and stared intently at Grissoms phone, trying to make out what Catherine was saying.

"_Listen, I'm sorry to bother you on your holidays. By the way, where the hell are you? Do I hear, like, seagulls or something?"_

"What's up?" Grissom so was not in the mood for small talk.

"_Um, do you remember the video equipment we found at the Bounton house?"_

"Yes..." as he said this he stood up and moved slightly away from the table, so Sara couldn't hear him.

"_I just wanted to check in that it'd be cool if Warr watched it."_

"Yes. Archie said he viewed the start of it, it's Alyssa Henders, Susanna Dawes and Siobhan Meadows...it's not exactly pleasant, it's a snuff film..."

"_What!? He never told me!"_

"Cath, he probably didn't even realise that you wanted to see it."

"_I don't but it's my evidence! I'm going to kick his geeky tv watching butt!"_

"He only viewed the start, I asked him to."

"_Why?!"_

"Warr was busy, and it was important to know if it had anything to do with Sara's case. What if it had just been soft pornography, and you had gotten the whole team worked up?"

"_Fine. We'll watch it. I'll phone and give you a report."_

"Goodbye Catherine."

He shut his phone without waiting for Catherine's reply, and slumped back to his seat.

"What was that about?" Sara's forehead had creased into a worried frown.

"Nothing important. Just new evidence for a recent case."

"Oh. Okay. You nearly done?"

Grissom didn't feel hungry any more. "Sure. What do you want to do for the rest of the day?"

"Can we drive over to Chessetson?" Sara referred to the small town about 20 minutes drive away. "They have this little farmers market thing on. It looks fun."

Grissom looked at her closely. She didn't give any indication that she had overheard any of his conversation. She had a relaxed smile across her lips, and she looked happy.

"I've never been to a 'farmers market thing'" he made fun of her. "I'd like to go."

She smiled at him, then after paying the bill, tugged him away from the table, back to the B&B. Grissom still relished the fact that here, he could hold her hand in public.

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Catherine looked at her phone. He had hung up on her...sort of.

"What'd he say?" Nick was worried about the DVD.

"Do you know Archie watched the start, and didn't tell me? Ridiculous. It can go in the machine later, when we've done assignments, at the end of shift."

"'kay. Shall I go get Greg and Warrick?

"Yup. Sin City just never stops with the killings..."


End file.
